USA Today. I can’t say I would ever go to you for reputable cultural or artistic criticism.

Case in point, this review of 30 Rock.

Were numbers the only problem, Rock fans might be able to relax. The show, after all, has already been renewed for next season. But since the strike, this once-dependable sitcom has also lost its way creatively, ditching plot and character in a desperate, scattershot search for laughs, as if its new goal were to become a live-action version of Family Guy.

Certainly, that’s the approach taken in tonight’s hectic finale. On the plus side, it does yield some funny moments from Alec Baldwin, Jack McBrayer and Matthew Broderick as a Bush official who is desperate to join the ranks of the unemployed. (Even those who dislike the administration, however, may not want to see a network sitcom go so far out of its way to mock it.)

But as often happens lately, the jokes come at the expense of our attachment to the characters and to the show’s fraying links to reality.

…

Liz doesn’t have to be sane, but when she’s as unstable as the nuts circling around her, you get a show that plays more like a barely related series of sketches than a sitcom.

It’s possible that 30 Rock is trying to learn from the failure of Studio 60, which took the efforts involved in producing comedy too seriously. But as is so often the case in life and art, one can also fail by moving too far in the other direction. If the show she’s writing doesn’t matter, then there’s nothing at risk for Liz — and no reason for us to care about Jack’s efforts to mentor her, which were once 30 Rock’s best asset.

A few things:

1. Doesn’t everyone want to see the Bush administration mocked?
2. Aren’t the show’s “fraying links to reality” what makes the show fun?
3. I feel like the Family Guy analogy isn’t apt. It’s more like The Simpsons — chock full of non sequiturs, subtle jokes that only make sense if you are really paying attention and non-verbal jokes that you only pick up on during repeated views. However, it always comes back to the main plot.
4. Boo!

Alright, guys… I need more entries for the 24 giveaway.

I’m guessing I made it too hard on you. Maybe the whole “come up with a cheesy saying for Jack Bauer to mutter after biting that guys neck off” contest was too much to ask. I mean, I get it. It’s a lot of pressure to have to come up with something and be happy with it and then send it in when you have no idea how many people were entering.

Suffice to say, response has been wanting.

But believe me, it’s okay. I used to be the same way — agonizing over every word I wrote on this precious blog. But now, all I really do is type stream-of-consciousness style and cross my fingers that it is actually comprehensible and not some sort of William Faulkner-style rant (on that note, I’m going to refer to Maggie and John as Quentin and Quentin just to make things unnecessarily confusing. Sound and the Fury joke! I say it like I understood the book, but I never finished it even though I was supposed to read it for two separate classes).

Where was I?  Oh, 24…

Okay, I really need to boost these numbers so I’m going to change the game. Here’s the new deal:

If you want to win the first season of 24 on DVD, send an e-mail to tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com, put “24 giveaway” in the subject line and give me the name of your favorite vegetable. It can be any vegetable. For example, a carrot.

Seriously, that’s just one. If you need help, here’s a list of vegetables to choose from.

• I’m shocked: Some college kids say they get high before watching “Yo Gabba Gabba!”
• Craig Ferguson to release memoirs detailing his drunken suicidal punk rock days
• Choose your spin: Katherine Heigl is dragging down Grey’s - or - Heigl is too big of a star for Grey’s
• Gossip Girl gets a 24 episode season next year
• Watch Britney’s return to HIMYM right here
• American Idol reject busted for chattin’ up the little boys
• Say that 5 times fast: Weather Channel sex scandal!
• Is 30 Rock becoming too Family Guy-ish?
• Tim Gunn’s new cohost for Guide to Style has been announced
• The many faces of Michael Scott
• Claire from Lost talks to E! Kristin
• Adam Sandler to bone Ms. Garrett from Facts of life
• Just what Heroes needs, more characters!
• Dwight Schrute’s Xterra auctioned on eBay, then pulled, but should be posted again soon
• This day in lists: 17 comedic actors who moved into dramatic roles

Good news, bad news.

Bad news first. The end of 30 Rock’s season is tonight. Sad, I know.

The good news? We, um… have a preview of tonight’s finale. I know that’s not really enough good news to outweigh the bad…

Look! A baby rabbit!

I love it when we get to do giveaways.  Makes me feel fancy.

You know what makes me feel even fancier? When we get to give away good shit. Case in point: this here giveaway.

As you can see by Jack Bauer’s rugged, furrowed visage above, we’re giving away something 24-related. In fact, we’re giving away the new special edition DVD of 24’s first season. The DVD set includes all 24 episodes (get it — 24?) and is packed with over three hours of never-before-seen special features including a season seven trailer, over 25 deleted and extended scenes, two all-new behind-the-scenes featurettes and more.

The good folks at M80 are helping us out with the giveaway, including our friendly publicist Derek (Hi Derek! Nice shirt.). Derek has given us not one, but two copies of the box set to give away.

Full disclosure: I don’t watch 24. It’s just one of those shows that I’ve never gotten around to watching even though everyone who watches it loves it (kind of like The Wire, although people tend to be a little more hyperbolic about that one). Regardless, I’m sure this’ll be a great giveaway, especially given the fact that the box set retails for sixty bucks.

So, how do you win this lovely prize? Well, I’m going to make you work for it. Nothing comes easy, suckers, not even in the blogosphere.

One thing I do know about 24 is that at some point Jack Bauer had to bite some dude in the neck to save himself from some sort of imprisonment. Your task is to come up with the cheesiest/stupidest/weirdest thing Jack could possibly say afterwards. For instance, “I always knew I’d take a bite out of crime!”

Submit your answer to tifaux -at- gmail -dot- com with the subject line “24 bites.” We’ll post the winner in good time.

• Now jumping the shark: Gossip Girl
• Ugly Betty moving to NYC to save some bucks
• Another Extreme Home Makeover winner tries to sell their house since they can’t afford heating a 40,000 sq ft McMansion
• Still bitter: NBC sues Lifetime to prevent them from promoting Project Runway
• Remember the crazy bitch who divorced her husband on youtube? Check her out next season on the Real Housewives of New York
• Does Seinfeld still hold up after 10 years?
• The Hills season 4 debuts in August
• Product placement in TV shows is way up this season. I blame 30 Rock
• Grieving mother denied Bart Simpson headstone for her child
• Steve Carell to host SNL finale
• Esai Morales, a star who’s appeared in a million things I’ve never heard of, land the role of Adama’s dad on Caprica
• This day in lists: 50 greatest commercial parodies of all time

Take a look at what to expect…

Before I am done with TiFaux, I won’t be happy until I’ve turned it into a vaguely indie version of Bop or Tiger Beat.

That is to say, I want to keep one of our steady focuses on boys and why they are so dreamy. Forget quality writing, forget interesting performances — I’m a man who knows what he likes. While I may put up this exterior of a savvy, sophisticated bon vivant (and don’t even front — I know I do), I’m really just a schoolboy scrawling Mrs. Daniel Gyllenhaal into the margins of my notebooks and dotting the i’s with hearts.

On that note, I’ve made no secret of my love of the tattoos. There are few things hotter than a well done sleeve of ink (other than, perhaps, holding some sort of ethnic baby. And, even then, that’s more cute than hot).

So I’ve rounded up a list of some of reality TV’s hottest tattooed folks. I’ve even thrown in some ladies to satisfy our minority of heterosexual male readers (and, hopefully, growing readership of lesbians). Not that we don’t love all our readers just the same.

At the end, you get to vote for your favorite. Hooray!

Trainer Bob

Show: The Biggest Loser

Oh, Bob. Such a contradiction. On one hand, you’re the Southern drawling, caring nurturer. You contrast sharply with Jillian’s unsmiling taskmaster. On the other hand, your tattoos speak of a strange edge that is otherwise undetectable. It’s very intriguing.

Kat Von D

Show: LA Ink

Kat Von D is the star of LA Ink, spin-off of the TLC show Miami Ink. It’s the show where people get all tatted up and explain why their near-death experience being bitten by a shark is the reason why they need a tooth emblazened across their back. Von D is very eighties metal in her style (leather, studs, hair, hair, hair). It makes sense that Wikipedia reports that she is dating Motley Crue’s Nikki Sixx.

Kevin Christiana

Show: Project Runway

The most recent season of Project Runway was bizarrely tattoo heavy. Even bird-like winner Christian was inked up with a picture of a squid. And because Rami was unadorned, we must turn our attention to token straightie Kevin Christiana. Kevin’s tattoos were a bit punk rock — or maybe I just think that because he usually wore black.

Angie

Show: Survivor — Palau

Angie is from an obscure season of Survivor (well, they’re all kind of obscure after a certain point), but I really have fond memories of her. She was the tattoed, awkward loner who never excelled in gym class, blah, blah. But then she turned around to totally dominate in challenges. She got cut lamentably early, but I’m still a huge fan.

Mark

Show: Top Chef

The good thing about these featured walking canvasses is the fact that their tattoos are compared with something unexpected (a smiley, centered fitness trainer; a fashion designer). With Mark, it’s a curly-headed cook with a New Zealand accent. I like the tribal design, even though in this picture he looks pretty ridiculous with the aviator shades and sleeveless number.

Starbuck

Show: Battlestar Galactica

I know this isn’t a reality show. In fact, it’s about as far away as you can get. However, I can’t let a notable tattoo like this go unnoticed.  Anders has a matching one, if you recall.  I like how it’s kind of tribal, which conflicts with the fact that they’re on a spaceship. That’s the good thing about Battlestar, when you get down to it — they focus on real issues and characters without getting bogged down on the science fiction (which is just an effective backdrop).

Here’s the current status of this season’s contestants as of episode 8 and where they ranked. High means the contestant appeared in the top but did not win, low means the contestant appeared in the bottom but did not get kicked off.

And using an arbitrary Tifaux scoring system (2 points for a win, 1 point for either a quick fire win or appearance in the top, and -1 point for appearing in the bottom) here are the rankings, and our best guesstimate, on who will appear in the top and bottom of tonight’s episode:

• This is getting ridiculous: Sign up for the Veronica Mars cruise
• Pretty sneaky sis: Project Runway may leave, but NBC keeps its producers
• Angela Kinsey from The Office gave birth on Saturday
• Lindsay Lohan will appear in a 6 episode stint on Ugly Betty
• Fox Reality Channel to launch new reality show recap show called Reality Binge
• Deadwood prostitute gets gig on Caprica
• Stephen Colbert wins a Webby for being the Internet’s “Person of the Year”
• Battlestar Galactica Last Supper photo analysis: Logically the final Cylon should be…
• Look for 2 hours of Office reruns every Sunday on NBC
• The Reaper Save Our Show campaign is up and running
• This day in lists: TV characters who were recast mid-series