Farewell, Love Monkey, we hardly knew ye.

Looks like Jason Priestly won’t actually be getting a W-2 for 2006.

Dear Meredith, 

When I was a child, growing up amidst poverty in nineteenth-century England, life was barely worth living.  My neighborhood was full of thieves and prostitutes.  We had no bread and there was very little coal to keep us warm.  I was raised by my dear grandmama (pronounced grand-muh-MA), until she was hanged for stealing a bobbin of thread to mend my winter coat.

That said, quit your bitching, Meredith Grey, things could be a lot worse.  I’m sick of your shit.

 

 

I get it.  You fell hard for McDreamy and then drew the short straw when it came time for him to choose between you and his wife (who is, let’s face it, hotter than you).  Still, it’s been like twenty years in medical drama time and you’re still complaining.  In the time it has taken you to get over McDreamy, Luca Kovach on ER has banged at least eight to ten nurses.

You may have had your heart broken, but at least you got to have a few good rolls in the hay with Patrick Dempsey.  If I were afforded the same opportunity, I would have immortalized the moment in a diorama or a snowglobe and not gotten wrapped up in whether we were going to have itty-bitty babies with stubble and salt-and-pepper hair.

And another thing, re: the voiceovers.  It’s just too much.  You wrap up every episode with a series of haikus about love and life.  But when you really give these morals any thought, they either A) make no sense, or B) are completely obvious.  And you recite these lines with such a cool, collected tone it almost makes me forget that you learn nothing from week to week.  Guess what, Meredith? I may not have smug ruminations on what it means to be a life-saving doctor, but at least I can get out of bed in the morning without Sandra Oh standing up and kicking the covers off.

That said, here’s my advice:  Bang George, because he deserves it.  Stop squinting so much.  Most importantly, start whoring it up around the hospital to make McDreamy uncomfortable and help you get your confidence back.

Of course, if you get blown up next episode (as if), then I guess this advice is moot.

Love,
DAN

Ladies and gentlemen, cancel your plans. From 8-10 tonight, you and your television have a date: the last 4 episodes of Arrested Development.

It’s a sad (and probably hilarious) day for television.