What chu gone do with all that junk, all that junk inside that trunk

Posted by Cristin February 16th, 2006 at 01:51pm In MTV

Just because I have a small competitiveness problem, Maggie’s awesome story about being on Early Edition has prompted this counter: Neil Patrick Harris filmed a movie at my high school. Yes, THE Neil Patrick Harris. Okay, maybe it went straight to DVD, but still. I was close enough to Doogie that I could have stabbed him if I wanted to, and now I can 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon myself, regardless of having never seen the film or being able to confirm that any part of me actually appears in any part of it. I can tell you, however, that I rocked the white V-neck sweater with the plaid around the "v" with coordinating turtleneck which doubled as my 8th grade school picture day outfit, and looked pretty good for a girl who was still a few years from learning the benefits of regular eyebrow waxing appointments.

For the record: (Me– NPH {animal room}–Whoopi {clara’s heart}– Demi Moore {ghost}–Kevin Bacon {a few good men} )

I spent the majority of yesterday on a couch wondering why daytime cold medicine will never be as effective as nighttime cold medicine, and also marveling at how brave it is of our TiFaux box to wake up every morning, knowing that my roommate is going to force it to tape 8 consecutive hours of Bridezillas off the women’s network. I didn’t find aacceptableceptible on the television until we wandered to the 9-11pm time slot while playing with the guide function.

What’s that, MTV? Really? You have a two hour “documentary” called Fat Camp? You’ve taken True Life from me, but given me 120 minutes of teenage romantic drama and body issues? Check please. Sold!

I’m still confused about several points re: this show (which was billed under “MTV Docs presents”), which is odd given that my diploma for completing that Masters in MTV reality shows just came back from the framers. I think the Viacomm execs looked at their numbers on the True Life specials, realized that TL: I’m Going To Fat Camp and (I’m guessing) TL: I’m A Jersey Shore Girl topped the charts and quickly started canvasing weight loss camps and Seaside Heights “18 to party- 21 to drink” dance clubs for fresh meat. I’m praying that the 2 hour special on girls from Hawthorne, NJ getting their highlights done before heading down to the boardwalk to show their belly button rings to guys who are artfull showcasing the tribal tattoos around their upper arms by wearing sleeveless shirts is also in the MTV pipeline for a few months from now. But only if the guys are also wearing Kangol hats. Until then, I was more than thrilled with this “special” filmed at New Image Camp at Camp Pocono Trails. I want so badly to provide the time and date for the repeat showing (you know there’ll be one) but the mtv website seems to be pretending that Fat Camp didn’t exist. They’ll tell me everything I want to know about I Want A Famous Face, but Fat Camp? What Fat Camp? Was it all just a dream? The weight loss equivalent of Brigadoon? Is my task in life to recreate it for those not fortunate enough to catch it on the first go ’round? It’s a tough job…

First of all, this show had nothing to do with weight loss. It was all about the Doing It. Or, at least about the hand holding. Having spent the summer months of my formative years at an all-girls summer camp where all we talked about was horses, books about horses, movies about horses, and names we had picked out for our future horses, this fascinates me. There were no boys, and there was no Doing It. I would get letters from my friends at Hebrew camp– where they had a complicated hierarchy that awarded you points for hooking up with dudes who were elected officials on the youth board of USY, a system I tried to institute at my Catholic youth group before being doused in holy water and told that I might be more comfortable across the street at the Unitarian church– about how they made out with their hebrew camp boyfriends in the mess hall or at the bonfire and I’d think, really? at SUMMER CAMP? Who DOES that? Well, now we know.

• Marisa, or “Mo” to her friends. (I’m going to assume that no one at home in her real life calls her Mo, and that’s just some nickname she’s trying to make happen at camp, kind of like how I told everyone at Kingsburgy Hill Riding Academy that my name was Kristy while I was deep in the throes of a Babysitters Club addiction) Some backstory: Mo allegedly used to make out with Petey. He made the mistake of trying to continue their camp romance through the academic year (second only to his mistake of allowing MTV to label him as “Petey” every time he came on screen. Dude, if you never get laid, it has nothing to do with your weight. Just go by Pete), then followed it up with the mistake of telling everyone at camp that he thought Mo was fat (wait a sec… you did read the brochure, right? You’re aware that this isn’t anorexia camp, yes?), and capped it all off by giving her a letter he had written in which he declared there was a hole in his life that was only filled when she was around. She, wisely, showed it to everyone within a 2 mile radius, then they all told her that Petey had called her fat. Mo initiated her confrontation with Petey by saying “Are you bipolar” (valid question) to which he answered “Do I have bipolar disorder? Yes.” Woah now! Where did that come from? And what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be across the lake at Mt. Mohawk Manic Depression camp?
• Braelyn. At least, I think that was her name– it was that, or something else that sounds similarly like it was coughed up like a donkey. I refuse to look up how your name is spelled, because you have a dumb name. And yes, I know Cristin-With-A-C-Nicknamed-Kristy is also dumb, but at least I didn’t go on MTV during my awkward “I could use a good dermatologist/ firm grip on reality” phase. Anyway, B is a junior counselor who decideds to break all the rules and leave camp groups to get chocolate covered poptarts. In her situation, I would have made the same exact decision. She later starts macking it with a dude who–wait for it– is named Bubbles. Like life isn’t hard enough without the michael jackson jokes just writing themselves.
• Matt. Is generally adorable and my early pick for Camp Stud. Also one of Petey’s early fat joke targets when he gets bored of slamming his former flame, Mo. Ironically, Mo and Matt wind up getting it on. Oh, snap, Petey! That’s gotta hurt!

Also, another brick in the wall for Why No One Other Than The Boy In The Bubble Should Be Homeschooled (I’m lookin’ at you, Christopher Paolini. Yes, you know what it feels like to have a NYT Best Seller, but you’re a douche and you’ll never know what it feels like to touch a naked breast) is Diane. Lady Di appears to be a homeschooled only child who’ll be attending the local high school next year in the hopes to achieve the “typical high school experience,” which no one seems to have told her involves near constant emotional torture even for those that don’t have an unnatural attachment to their mothers. Which D does– her mom is one of the Fat Camp camp nurses. If you think that this means Diane will spend all of her time making new friends and only pause briefly to wave gaily at her mom from across a heated game of Nukum, well, then, you’ve never seen a single MTV show and maybe you’d feel more comfortable reading a knitting blog.