The reason I watch “American Idol” is not because I enjoy it, per se. In fact, I usually spend much of the hour hiding my face or searching for distractions around the room. I don’t really enjoy the performances as a rule.  I’m a big enough music snob (buy the new album by The Go! Team) that I don’t like Whitney Houston songs when Whitney sings them (when she’s sober), much less an imitator.

The reason I watch AI is because I can’t help it. It’s on every night of the week and I can’t help but get caught up in the human drama. It’s a battlefield of the flamboyantly delusional and inexplicably resilient and we get to see the carnage up close. Tonight marks the end of the endless audition phase/Hollywood Week phase of the competition (the part where the Simon, Paula and Randy actually have jobs, rather than spending the rest of the season giving inconsequential commentary and acting surly, stoned and stupid, respectively).

So, here’s a rundown of some of the more interesting contestants.  And I won’t really say much about their voices because it’s a lot more fun to judge people based on the way they look.  Wouldn’t you say?

Taylor Hicks.
You know him as: Prematurely grey guy.
Most people know him as the dude with a head of prematurely grey hair. I know him as the guy who looks uncomfortably like my ex-boyfriend. In any case, he has this bluesy, Southern way of singing and looks like he is in pain during performances — twitching and jerking his face, twisting his lip, bending his elbows at odd angles. It’s not as much Jamie Foxx in “Ray” as it is Daniel Day-Lewis in “My Left Foot.”

Ace Young.
You know him as: That hot guy.
I can’t help but like Ace because he is so fucking nice to look at. And this completely betrays my policy of categorically disliking the conventionally attractive. Between the flowing locks, the nice-guy dimples and those high-as-an-elephant’s-eye cheekbones, it’s just ridiculous the genetic gifts that were bestowed on this boy, but something about him just makes me want to bake him some sort of delicious treat.

Chris Daughrty.
You know him as: Hot scary guy.
Chris Daughtry is also hot, but he’s kind of scary too. It’s probably the creative facial hair. He’s not as much a singer as much as he is a howler and I think his love songs might be weirdly intense.

David Radford
You know him as: The crooner.
Every year, some skinny dude comes along and starts crooning it up, trying to singlehandedly wake Sammy Davis Jr. from the dead. Remember John Stevens (aka Paddy O’Cantsing), who train-wrecked on “Crocodile Rock” a couple of seasons ago? Remember Judd Whatsisface from last season who got axed first (thank God)? Yeah. Not really going to happen.

Bucky Covington
You know him as: Yikes.
Stay with me on this.  You know on that episode of “South Park” where Mr. Hanky introduces the kids to his family?  All of the kids are normal except for the one who is a little challenged because he was born with a peanut fragment in his head?  I think that Bucky Covington might be the peanut sibling of Kid Rock.  Am I right?  (note: I totally just looked at his actual page and realized he’s obsessed with Kid Rock.  And he has a twin brother.  My theory could be correct.)

Kelly Pickler
You know her as: Southern blonde girl with the dad in jail.
Can you imagine an American Idol named Pickler? Neon lights reading “Pickler: LIVE!” This girl is plenty cute, even though she had the potential to be plenty annoying.  And I think she is just genuine enough for me to consider loving her.  I mean, in a totally non-physical way

Mandisa
You know her as: Honestly? The fat chick.
So when she first auditioned, Simon made some crass comments about her weight. Specifically, that she was the size of a country known for its stinky cheese. And I was all on board the sympathy train for her, even though I had an is-that-really-necessary reaction to her use of a single name (a la Cher, Prince). But then, while telling off Simon on last week’s episode, she started blowing everyone away with J-bombs. Jesus forgives, Jesus dies, Jesus saves, Jesus sells cabbage. And her AI Web page looks like it was hijacked by Kirk Cameron what with Jesus rearing his thorn-crowned head all over the place. And I don’t want to be a “hater” (is that what the kids call it?), but a little discretion please.  Even Reuben waited a while before releasing that gospel album no one realized he made.

Paris.
You know her as: The one everyone’s talking about.
Is it too early to say that she’s already won?

Okay, so I used to be a cheerleader. But only through, like 6th grade and mainly because my dad thought it was cute to have me running around in saddle shoes yelling “Push Em Back! Push Em Back! Waaaaaaay BACK!” Before you make that mental note to skip all of my posts and only read Maggie’s, please know that she was also a pre-teen cheerleader, and she could do a split, which I could never do, so she was obviously better at it than I was. And she probably got to be a flyer, too, since she wasn’t 5′10 in the 5th grade. Moving on.

You now understand why I gasped audibly when TVgasm pointed out what I hope (::fingers crossed::) will rapidly become my new favorite thing to DVR ever; Lifetime’s Cheerleader Nation, a real-life mother daughter drama of blood sweat and cheers. (Am I alone in thinking that this sounds disturbingly like that case in Texas where the mom had the cheerleading captain killed so her daughter could make the squad? I loved that duo. Hate to think what happened a few years down the road when lil susie got cut from Kappa Kappa Gamma in round 3).

Cannot wait. Bring it On! Be Aggressive! B-E Aggressive!