There’s something wonderful about reading about shows that don’t necessarily suck yet, even if you have to read Hollywood “trade” magazines to do so. Also I’ve always loved the concept of casting, matching the right actor to the right role, or the wrong one, for more hilarious results. In the wonderful world of high school theater we could spend hours putting together ideal casts for shows we weren’t even planning on doing. That’s how much I love casting (I know, I know — NERD!).

Highlights from the article:

• Tina Fey’s pilot, starring Alec Baldwin. Tina Fey is a very, very funny lady, and I kind of love her. I also enjoy being told I look like Tina Fey. So the more Tina Fey in the world, the better.
• Milo Ventimiglia (Jess from Gilmore Girls) in a show called Heroes. Does this mean he won’t be popping in to Stars Hollow to break up Logan and Rory any time soon? Because I will be pissed if he doesn’t. Also, this show isn’t a pilot for the CW (the new WB/UPN hybrid), which is huge step up for Mr. Ventimiglia.
• And at the very end of the article, a show starring Rob Corddry about a 32-year-old who lives with his parents. Former Daily Show correspondents, go forth and prosper! Demetri Martin will be the next one to make it big, mark my words.

The post claims that the pint sized morning show power house, Tony Danza, is going to be sentenced to doing remakes of Angels in the Outfield in order to clear room for Rachael Ray’s new show. Oh, and his daughter loves the gange. Yum-O!

The Best Week Ever kids have cooked up a Save Tony D petition which, though it makes no mention of 1989s cinematic masterpiece/ Matthew Perry breakout vehicle She’s Out Of Control, is all kinds of awesome.

Well, as we all saw on Wednesday’s “Project Runway”, the inevitable happened and our beloved Kara was sent back to South Africa.  I’m sure Nelson Mandela and Charlize Theron will offer her high-fives immediately upon de-planing.

The real tragedy in this, though, is that excessively artsy designer and unrepentant asshole Santino Rice is in the all-important final 3.  Despite several previous creations that have nearly given him the axe (like this one that looks like all of Germany got high and threw up), he will likely walk away with the throne.

In any case: poll time.  I’ve been trying to figure out who Santino reminds me of since the first episode and I’m still not sure I’ve got it 100%.  So far, I’ve got Serj Tankian (singer for Armenian political rock group System of a Down), Rumours-era Mick Fleetwood and Strawberry Shortcake nemesis the Purple Pieman.

(From left: Rice, Tankian, Fleetwood, Pieman) 

Anybody have any thoughts or suggestions? 

 

Sigh.  I still miss Nick.

Ha! Take that, world! Here’s a study that says that watching TV has no affect on children’s test scores. Extrapolating from that, I think we can say that watching too much TV as an adult isn’t going to rot your brain, either. Victory is ours!

Who doesn’t love the Olympics. Specifically, the figure skating, and even more specifically, the men’s figure skating. The matador costumes! The bold arm movements! The total badasses! (He’s here, he’s weir, get used to it! Oh, and he has a blog).

I expected all of my loyalties to lie with Johnny Be Good after seeing the documentary short that NBC put together on him in which he (a) wears a pinkie ring and (b) talks about how Republicans won’t like what he’s done to the bold sport of figure skating. I had no idea that a Belgian figure skater named Kevin Van Der Perren, despite breaking my rule of two names to every famous person, would steal my heart forever.

Who is this Van Der Perren, you ask? Let’s take a look at his sassy foreigner profile, in which he cites “movies” and “music” as being two of his hobbies.

Yes, you’re seeing that correctly. The VDP skated to the soundtrack to Pirates of the Caribbean. This guy:

Thanks, sean gillis!

Thinks he’s this guy:

I know it takes some doing, but once you wrap your head around it, you can totally see the resemblance. Whatever he’s selling, I’m buying. You may have come in 9th, Kevin VDP… but you won the gold medal. In my heart.

I really like Kyle MacLachlan. I really like The Onion AV Club. But man did they steer me wrong tonight. The AV Club has a feature this week about this year’s mid-season replacement shows which, as you may know, are historically very bad programs. They gave a B+ to a show called “In Justice” starring Kyle MacLachlan. For a midseason show that’s a hearty endorsement. So I decided to watch an episode. Maggie warned me that the presence of the 2nd greatest Kyle in a TV show wasn’t really enough to make me enjoy it. It certainly didn’t work for Sex and the City. Ugh.

So Maggie was right. Where do I start? How about the title? In. Justice. It’s like a play on words. It’s about these do-gooder lawyers headed by the K man, whose dad is a powerful California congressman. They don’t get along. Big surprise. Next problem is the opening sequence. It has a voiceover explaining that things don’t always go right at trials and these are their stories, or something. Hmmm, where have I heard a voiceover at the beginning of a procedural drama before? I can think of three right off the top of my head, and they all start with Law & Order.

The episode I watched started with a kid typing “innocent man help for no money” in Google. Now there’s a search that’s bound to fail, I thought to myself. But no, this kid was Feeling Lucky. His first two hits were actually pro bono legal services. They’re called The Innocent League, and Laws of Man (which is also a great Christian rock band). They’re even in California, but not close enough for his taste. He needs one on a local bus route.  But what do you know? The third one has a goofy-looking picture of the K-ster. It’s called The National Justice Project. And it’s in Oakland, which this kid knows he can get to on the C730 bus which leaves in 15 minutes. All three of the websites look like they were designed in 1997.

OK, so now we finally meet Sir K. Man, he looks awful. Get a haircut. What happened to Special Agent Dale Cooper? He is very close to a serious downgrade on the all-time list of Kyles. One great thing he does on the show is write completely illegible notes on a white-board. Just like House, you can tell he doesn’t let anyone else touch that thing.

He has a whole bunch of interchangeable, idealisticish minions who I guess will provide the supporting stories, but there are so many of them it’s hard to keep track. At one point a pair of them was questioning a witness in the ridiculous case they were working on and actually pulled a Columbo. The guy seemed to think that they had come out there just to ask if he was doing all right, and just when he thought he was off the hook: BAM! Oh… JUST ONE MORE QUESTION… that didn’t get old 20 years ago did it?

My favorite part was when the kid got to visit his dad in jail and his mom came too and the kid made them all hug. Apparently San Quentin doesn’t have the same “no touching” rules they have at the O.C Prison (don’t call it that).

Anyway, it’s my duty to advise you not to watch this show.

Just because I have a small competitiveness problem, Maggie’s awesome story about being on Early Edition has prompted this counter: Neil Patrick Harris filmed a movie at my high school. Yes, THE Neil Patrick Harris. Okay, maybe it went straight to DVD, but still. I was close enough to Doogie that I could have stabbed him if I wanted to, and now I can 6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon myself, regardless of having never seen the film or being able to confirm that any part of me actually appears in any part of it. I can tell you, however, that I rocked the white V-neck sweater with the plaid around the "v" with coordinating turtleneck which doubled as my 8th grade school picture day outfit, and looked pretty good for a girl who was still a few years from learning the benefits of regular eyebrow waxing appointments.

For the record: (Me– NPH {animal room}–Whoopi {clara’s heart}– Demi Moore {ghost}–Kevin Bacon {a few good men} )

I spent the majority of yesterday on a couch wondering why daytime cold medicine will never be as effective as nighttime cold medicine, and also marveling at how brave it is of our TiFaux box to wake up every morning, knowing that my roommate is going to force it to tape 8 consecutive hours of Bridezillas off the women’s network. I didn’t find aacceptableceptible on the television until we wandered to the 9-11pm time slot while playing with the guide function.

What’s that, MTV? Really? You have a two hour “documentary” called Fat Camp? You’ve taken True Life from me, but given me 120 minutes of teenage romantic drama and body issues? Check please. Sold!

I’m still confused about several points re: this show (which was billed under “MTV Docs presents”), which is odd given that my diploma for completing that Masters in MTV reality shows just came back from the framers. I think the Viacomm execs looked at their numbers on the True Life specials, realized that TL: I’m Going To Fat Camp and (I’m guessing) TL: I’m A Jersey Shore Girl topped the charts and quickly started canvasing weight loss camps and Seaside Heights “18 to party- 21 to drink” dance clubs for fresh meat. I’m praying that the 2 hour special on girls from Hawthorne, NJ getting their highlights done before heading down to the boardwalk to show their belly button rings to guys who are artfull showcasing the tribal tattoos around their upper arms by wearing sleeveless shirts is also in the MTV pipeline for a few months from now. But only if the guys are also wearing Kangol hats. Until then, I was more than thrilled with this “special” filmed at New Image Camp at Camp Pocono Trails. I want so badly to provide the time and date for the repeat showing (you know there’ll be one) but the mtv website seems to be pretending that Fat Camp didn’t exist. They’ll tell me everything I want to know about I Want A Famous Face, but Fat Camp? What Fat Camp? Was it all just a dream? The weight loss equivalent of Brigadoon? Is my task in life to recreate it for those not fortunate enough to catch it on the first go ’round? It’s a tough job…

First of all, this show had nothing to do with weight loss. It was all about the Doing It. Or, at least about the hand holding. Having spent the summer months of my formative years at an all-girls summer camp where all we talked about was horses, books about horses, movies about horses, and names we had picked out for our future horses, this fascinates me. There were no boys, and there was no Doing It. I would get letters from my friends at Hebrew camp– where they had a complicated hierarchy that awarded you points for hooking up with dudes who were elected officials on the youth board of USY, a system I tried to institute at my Catholic youth group before being doused in holy water and told that I might be more comfortable across the street at the Unitarian church– about how they made out with their hebrew camp boyfriends in the mess hall or at the bonfire and I’d think, really? at SUMMER CAMP? Who DOES that? Well, now we know.

• Marisa, or “Mo” to her friends. (I’m going to assume that no one at home in her real life calls her Mo, and that’s just some nickname she’s trying to make happen at camp, kind of like how I told everyone at Kingsburgy Hill Riding Academy that my name was Kristy while I was deep in the throes of a Babysitters Club addiction) Some backstory: Mo allegedly used to make out with Petey. He made the mistake of trying to continue their camp romance through the academic year (second only to his mistake of allowing MTV to label him as “Petey” every time he came on screen. Dude, if you never get laid, it has nothing to do with your weight. Just go by Pete), then followed it up with the mistake of telling everyone at camp that he thought Mo was fat (wait a sec… you did read the brochure, right? You’re aware that this isn’t anorexia camp, yes?), and capped it all off by giving her a letter he had written in which he declared there was a hole in his life that was only filled when she was around. She, wisely, showed it to everyone within a 2 mile radius, then they all told her that Petey had called her fat. Mo initiated her confrontation with Petey by saying “Are you bipolar” (valid question) to which he answered “Do I have bipolar disorder? Yes.” Woah now! Where did that come from? And what are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be across the lake at Mt. Mohawk Manic Depression camp?
• Braelyn. At least, I think that was her name– it was that, or something else that sounds similarly like it was coughed up like a donkey. I refuse to look up how your name is spelled, because you have a dumb name. And yes, I know Cristin-With-A-C-Nicknamed-Kristy is also dumb, but at least I didn’t go on MTV during my awkward “I could use a good dermatologist/ firm grip on reality” phase. Anyway, B is a junior counselor who decideds to break all the rules and leave camp groups to get chocolate covered poptarts. In her situation, I would have made the same exact decision. She later starts macking it with a dude who–wait for it– is named Bubbles. Like life isn’t hard enough without the michael jackson jokes just writing themselves.
• Matt. Is generally adorable and my early pick for Camp Stud. Also one of Petey’s early fat joke targets when he gets bored of slamming his former flame, Mo. Ironically, Mo and Matt wind up getting it on. Oh, snap, Petey! That’s gotta hurt!

Also, another brick in the wall for Why No One Other Than The Boy In The Bubble Should Be Homeschooled (I’m lookin’ at you, Christopher Paolini. Yes, you know what it feels like to have a NYT Best Seller, but you’re a douche and you’ll never know what it feels like to touch a naked breast) is Diane. Lady Di appears to be a homeschooled only child who’ll be attending the local high school next year in the hopes to achieve the “typical high school experience,” which no one seems to have told her involves near constant emotional torture even for those that don’t have an unnatural attachment to their mothers. Which D does– her mom is one of the Fat Camp camp nurses. If you think that this means Diane will spend all of her time making new friends and only pause briefly to wave gaily at her mom from across a heated game of Nukum, well, then, you’ve never seen a single MTV show and maybe you’d feel more comfortable reading a knitting blog.

I’m sorry. I know I’ve let you down, I’ve let the team down, and most importantly, I’ve let myself down. I instead went to see West Side Story on the big screen, which is truly the ultimate “High School Musical,” at least for me because I was in it in high school. Also, it makes me ashamed on behalf of High School Musical.

Considering I didn’t watch any TV last night, this might have been the perfect opportunity for me to tell my How I Met Kyle Chandler story, but then I realized there really wasn’t ever going to be a perfect opportunity for that story, as it’s not as exciting as the title might suggest, and the title’s not even all that exciting, so I might as well just tell the story quickly otherwise it’ll haunt me for weeks. Kyle Chandler, by the way, is the actor who just got blown to bits as Bomb Squad Guy on Grey’s Anatomy and recently starred as a doodlehead actor in King Kong.

I need to start moving on with my life, so all you need to know is that I was an extra and a stand-in one day in high school for the show Early Edition. You can see me in several shots in the episode, wearing a hideous green corduroy oversized jacket and no bangs, both of which were huge mistakes. I met Kyle Chandler, I shook his pinky (he was carrying a pile of books at the time), and I was on network TV. And I almost, until Monday, completely forgot about it.

Early Edition was the show where he magically gets the newspaper a day early, and then has to stop horrible things from happening. It’s okay, I didn’t watch it either. Which may be why I forgot all about my pinky-shake with greatness.

Luckily, I am saved from recounting any other repressed TV memories as tonight we have a new episode of Project Runway to have heart palpitations over. It’s sort of a no-brainer that it’s Kara’s turn to auf Wiedersehen, but perhaps they’re just setting us up for a ridiculous upset. Tension! Excitement!

Television is a “push” medium, meaning the content is sent to you automatically. Before the TiFaux, you had to be there at the right time to receive it, or else learn how to program your VCR and buy a bunch of $3 VHS tapes. The simple idea behind the TiVo/TiFaux revolution is that maybe you like to watch the shows you like, not the shows that are on when you sit down to watch TV. They call it timeshifting, we call it love.

I got my TiFaux about a year ago and never looked back. Every time I wanted to watch TV I could sit down and a TV show I LIKED WAS ALWAYS ON! It was as if I had become a network programmer and replaced all the garbage with The Daily Show and 4 episodes of the Simpsons every day. The lousy bastards who were still technically in charge of programming could even shuffle the schedule to make it harder to find that struggling comedy I liked so damn much and the TiFaux would adjust like nothing had changed. Sometimes I didn’t even know it had happened. Obviously I started watching more TV than I had before, but I didn’t feel guilty about it, because I wasn’t watching reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond, I was watching really great television.

But now I don’t have a TiFaux. I’m in Germany, and I get two English language stations, neither of which would be TiFauxed even if I had one. What I have is the Internet, and it’s forced me to re-evaluate my viewing habits.

As we learned from the debacle of that Wired “Push” article (it’s officially their worst article ever) the Internet did not become a “push” medium. It remains a “pull” medium. If I want to get something from the Internet I have to do it myself. Yeah, it’s a lot easier to get TV using Bittorrent than it was a few years ago when you had nightmare P2P software like Limewire and Kazaa. But I still have to actively seek out the episodes I want to watch. I have to remember that 24 is on Monday nights which means I can download it in Germany on Tuesday morning. I have to remember that The Daily Show is on 4 days a week and it’s always available for downloading whenever I want. But I forget. There’s nothing pushing the shows at me. And I need that. Otherwise I stop watching TV. If it weren’t for this blog I might even forget to download The Office, which is the best comedy on TV right now. And I’ve stopped watching The Colbert Report (a show I truly love) completely.

There is hope though. There is a form of RSS that encloses Bittorrents instead of the traditional MP3s or videos (known neologistically as torrentcasting) which I am enthusiastic about. That means you would subscribe to an RSS feed using a Bittorrent client that supports it and the torrents will be sent to you automatically, just like a TiFaux, but with lower quality. Right now I’ve been unable to find any RSS feeds that suit my needs, but I suspect it will happen very soon.

As always, you shouldn’t do illegal things on the Internet. Watching television without the commercials is like taking food out of Maggie Stewart’s mouth.

UPDATE: It turns out I was thinking of this the wrong way. I was expecting to find a site that hand-selected the best Daily Show torrents and put them in an RSS feed. It turns out most of the big Bittorrent sites already have RSS feeds and it’s my job to set up filters to find the shows I want. This method allows for a lot more customization, but it’s hard to get the filters right. Still, it’s a step in the right direction.

Last night, I took one for the TiFaux team and watched the Disney Channel’s incredibly popular original movie, High School Musical. And let me just say up front, I did not regret a single second of it. (As the Simpsons would ask, “Are you being sarcastic?” To which I’d reply, “I don’t even know anymore.” In all honesty, I can’t decide if I enjoyed this sincerely, ironically, post-ironically, or post-post-ironically. Maybe a little bit of each?) There’s something innately entertaining about a bunch of kids really mugging the hell out of a ridiculous script. They’re not doing it ironically, I can tell you that much. Just look at them.

As the curtain rises (so to speak), we meet Gabriella (beautiful bookworm) and Troy (sensitive jock), the two most talented sight-readers in the history of singing. Seriously, they don’t even need to know the notes — just give them the words and they’re harmonizing like pros at a New Year’s karaoke bash. Hey, I’ve never sung like that in front of people before! Me neither! You were really good! So were you! So I guess I’ll never see you again, huh? Okay bye!

But wait! If you’ve seen Grease, you can imagine what’s coming. If you haven’t, you can probably also imagine what’s coming. Take out all the clever or dirty bits and you’ve got an idea of the rest of the plot. Should they audition for the musical (pardon me, the Twinkletown Musicale) together? Will their friends/coaches/teammates understand? The answers are yes, and of course not. But in the end we learn that in fact anyone can do anything they want. That guy from the basketball team loves baking — bake away. That chubby girl nerd loves hip hop — bring it on. And Troy and Gabriella just gotta sing, and win the big game and the scholastic bowl, respectively. Why not? (But no kissing.)

Even though I could not stop smiling at this wonder of the small screen, I did have slight a problem with the moral here. As a person who was forced to quit math team a record three years in a row due to theatrical commitments (NERD!), I just don’t think it’s actually possible for them to be the awesomest at literally everything they do. Coaches get mad. Directors are unreasonable. There’s a little thing called “homework.” And it’s just not practical to plan on pulling the fire alarm every day so you can make it to both practice and rehearsal.

The climax of this movie wasn’t even a performance, it was the audition, which means they haven’t even started dealing with being totally over-scheduled. Though with the crowd the audition gathered, and the special effects used, I doubt the school has the budget or the audience left to go through with the real thing.

Oh man, speaking of low budgets, one of my favorite parts of the movie happens when Troy invites Gabriella up to his secret rooftop hiding place, so they can talk about how much they really like to sing and definitely not make out.

(Gabriella walks up the stairs to a deck filled with approximately a dozen small potted plants.)

Gabriella: Wow, it’s like a jungle up here!

Yes, just like a jungle, Gabriella. Watch out for that lion hiding out by the tiny cactus behind Troy’s head.

In the end, “moral” aside, there’s not much not to love about High School Musical. It’s got it all (but no kissing). It’s the classic and eternal struggle between the sports and the arts, between smart kids and not-so-smart kids, between mean superficial people and nice ones, between being yourself and being more of yourself, and between singers and people who like to watch singing. That last one doesn’t really have much conflict. But then, neither does the movie.