You may have noticed a new television program sprouting from the fertile soil of American Idol on Wednesday. It’s called Free Ride, and I watched it for you. You can thank me later. It’s a single-camera sitcom about a wacky family, but it only resembles Arrested Development just enough to make me mad about AD in comparison.

Sometimes it seems unfair to judge a show’s first episode, because so much of the backstory and introductions have to be shoehorned in, and nobody involved with the show (writers, actors) are really comfortable with it yet. But I feel confident warning people away from Free Ride, because that is how unfunny this program was.

Free Ride is about a kid, Nate, who graduates from college and comes home to stay with his parents for a few weeks. But then he runs into this girl he knew from high school, who’s, like, so hot now, and suddenly his stay becomes indefinite, because she’s getting married, and he has to stick around and win her away from her fiance because he has nothing better to do. Bravo, Nate. Way to use a girl as a Substitute Life Plan.

The show’s “funny” is derived from such gems as: He lives in the garage on an air mattress! There’s nothing to do in town! His parents want him to go away so they can have sex! You get the idea. I predict themes of future episodes will include: Nate’s parents are too involved in his personal life! Nate’s friends from college think he’s a loser! And living in the garage really sucks! Too bad I won’t be around to watch any of those.

I am not too far removed from college and not having a plan and having to move and all that horrible everything, so it’s just not that funny to me when everywhere Nate goes he runs into someone he went to high school with. That’s the kind of anxiety that really starts to get to you when you visit your hometown, but it doesn’t seem to bother Nate at all. You get the sense he kind of likes feeling superior to everyone who never managed to get away. And that’s just unattractive. Now if he were supposed to be unattractive, say, like GOB Bluth or George Costanza, that would be an excellent way to make fun of his pretentiousness. But we’re supposed to sympathize with him, which makes his unconscious reaction to the townies kind of gross.

And the whole staying-in-town-for-the-girl thing. Maybe, for once, the guy she’s with is a good guy and totally right for her, and perhaps not a pretentious prick, and you getting in there being charming and disarming and laying down the hard sell is just going to ruin her life, Nate. Though that’s obviously not the case in Free Ride, however, as the first thing Substitute Life Plan’s fiance does is punch our hero in the face. Of course, Nate was hitting on his fiancee, so some might say he was justified. Still, violence is not the answer! Except if you’re McDreamy.

Bottom line is, the show was boring. Nate and Substitute Life Plan were boring, and had about as much chemistry as the leads in a junior high musical. The wacky loser who befriends Nate was so forced it actually looked like it hurt him to speak. Mom and Dad were clearly capable of making funny, but weren’t given anything to do other than make predictable inappropriate remarks.

So please, please, Don’t Watch This Show.

If not, I fear I may have failed at my life’s mission. So here’s an interview with BJ Novak, previously stalked in this space.