So there’s this American Idol thing, right? Dan posts about it sometimes and I’m vaguely aware that quite a few other people watch the show. Something like 20-30 million viewers every week, which is a lot of people. It’s not final episode of M*A*S*H* big (106 million viewers/45% of the US population at the time) but it’s still enormous. And even though I watched the last few episodes of that INXS show “Rock Star” (I still don’t know anything about INXS) I’ve only seen a few minutes of American Idol.

But apparently everyone but me watches this show and I just got a great illustration of that concept from former documentary subject Tim McIntire (née The Reverend Tim McIntire). And it made me nostalgic for a land where people are described without irony as “wicked retarded.”

I know this isn’t a big deal or anything, and celebrities/actors are not the same as the characters they play, and the cult of celebrity is pointless and mind-sucking and stupid, but… Jason Dohring (Logan on Veronica Mars) is a Scientologist, and I’m inappropriately sad (thanks for the heads up, Go Fug Yourself). Does not respecting Scientology make me a religious bigot? Or is it sort of like not respecting a religion that endorses cannibalism or the ritual practice of stabbing oneself in one’s own eye? Or is everything just relative anyway, and anyone should be allowed to do anything they want because everything we believe is all a cultural construct?

Seriously. I need answers. Why, Logan, why?

I’m happy for you, Teri Hatcher. I really am. You’ve managed to claw your way out of Radio Shack endorsement purgatory and back into a juicy Sunday night dramedy. It’s not easy to do, just ask Daisy Fuentes.

And I’m even willing to look past this recent unfortunate fling (publicity stunt? dare?) with Ryan Seacrest. Seriously, what was that? I saw you interviewed on Access Hollywood or one of those shows and I could just see the mix of bemusement and embarassment on your face as that dipshit Billy Bush probed you about it. Seriously, Teri, why? (side note: I never really thought Ryan Seacrest was gay until this episode. And I think everyone is gay. Now, I don’t think that he could possibly be straight.)

That said, I’m not talking to you when I say this. I’m talking to your character, the loveable basketcase Susan Mayer on Desperate Housewives.

Susan, you’re a plum, but I’m sick of your shit.

Let’s just see if I’ve got this cycle straight, mkay? You fall crazy-ass in love with some dude. The relationship sours. You fall crazy-ass in love with some other dude, but you still think you love Dude #1. So when your relationship with Dude #2 reaches a high point, you end up telling some sort of lie to prevent Dude #2 from finding out about Dude #1. This all comes to a head in a screwball fashion, in some sort of public place or at a dinner party. And it’s hilarious or something.

I guess your schtick is that we’re supposed to empathize with your various madcap situations. And we toss our hands in the air and say “Oh Susan. You’re incorrigible!”

But, no! Stop it! You’ve been boning some grade-a Hollywood beefcake and you’ve single-handedly botched every single one.  That doctor was a piece of ass, you know.

And poor Julie, your long-suffering daughter! I know the whole dynamic of your relationship is supposed to be give-and-take with the maternal advice, given that she’s wise beyond her years and you haven’t yet reached your emotional bat mitzvah. But she really shouldn’t have to deal with her mom kicking her Dad out of the house (in his skivvies!) while she munches her Cocoa Puffs. Lucky for you she’s a good egg, because if she wasn’t, she’d be Charlize Theron in “Monster.”

And one more thing, what exactly do you do for a living? I know the cover story is children’s book author, but I kind of think that’s an excuse to have you sitting around the house all day swooning like a schoolgirl and thinking of new ways to sabotage your life.  Believe me, I have friends who are high up in the world of children’s publishing — I’m pretty certain they wouldn’t stand for your flightiness.

So, my advice, not that you asked.  You seem to have a pretty steady flow of hotness coming your way.  Grab one, spill your guts, get every loveable skeleton out of that walk-in closet and then chain him to your bed.

Love you,

DAN

Oh hey. It’s you. Hi what’s up. Yeah, I’m okay. What did I do this weekend? What exactly do you mean? Why are you looking at me like that? So, yeah, I know I tend to watch a lot of TV but it’s not like I have a problem or anything because people with problems I mean real problems I mean “I suck dick for coke” problems those are the people you should feel sorry for, not me, no, because I’ve got a life I’ve got a job I’ve even got a website so I don’t have a problem you assholes always trying to make me feel guilty or some shit just because I watch some TV sometimes, just because I like to watch TV, you know? You know? And just because you can replace “drugs” with “Buffy” and this page makes a lot of sense doesn’t mean this is a cry for help but THIS IS A CRY FOR HELP haha I made a joke silly me I’m not feeling quite right so sorry I have to go now, because Spike’s in love with Buffy and I cried and cried when her mom died and the finale was dramatic but didn’t make any sense because what if the key wasn’t a person, I mean how do you bleed a sofa or a rock or 18th century armoir, am I right? Well? Hello?

What was I — oh. Hey. What’s up. Yeah, the weekend was okay. Weather was beautiful. Yeah. That sounds nice. Bye now.

Every once in a while it’s important to step back and think about what I could’ve been doing instead of spending 60 hours watching a TV show that ended three years ago.

1) Volunteered. Why I didn’t: Selfishness.

2) Read at least 10 books. Why I didn’t: I read pretty much all the time I’m not watching TV. And I love books, but both TV and books are entertainment, essentially, you know? So what’s the difference? Right? RIGHT?

3) Cleaned my apartment. Why I didn’t: Clutter is an aesthetic.

4) Exercised. Why I didn’t: Aversion to pain.

5) Written a book (a short one). Why I didn’t: ………. I don’t like this list anymore.

Yes, I’m still watching Buffy like it’s my job. The other day I watched five episodes, which means I spent nearly as much time watching Buffy as I did working that day, taking into account the fact that I am addicted to the internet and tend to waste a lot of time on it. And now I’ve made myself sad in so many ways.

Here’s something that cheered me up: this Google image search for Marc Blucas (Riley). For some reason, just scrolling through these pictures is completely hilarious. The facial hair! The fan art! The beefcake romance novel poses!

I was going to write something now about how much I loved the season finale with the Sopranos-ass-kicking dream sequences and how this was the transitional season marked by an odd reliance on Government Chips in People’s Heads/Chests, but I’ve strangely decided all of a sudden that I probably have better things to do. Hmm. Wonder where that came from.

And up next: Well, I’m already halfway through Season Five, and It. Is. Awesome. Screw productivity!

I still feel pretty guilty about watching Grey’s Anatomy. I mean, for all of its dramatic pauses and showstopping monologues, it’s still a pretty stupid soap opera.

Despite the show’s questionable quality, the music guys seem to have some pretty good taste. There’s usually some good power poppy stuff going on in the background as Izzie bickers with whoever or McDreamy acts all indecisive about whatever or Christina gets mad and storms off wherever.

Below are some of the songs they’ve featured and links to either mp3s or videos. Enjoy.

Moonbabies — War on Sound

When I first heard this song on Grey’s Anatomy, I was really confused. You know how it is when you’re a kid and your mom shows up at school? Or your college friends appear at your office? That’s the same feeling of out-of-placeness I had when this obscure band I found showed up during the closing moments of a season one episode. The Moonbabies are a Swedish duo and this song is a super-catchy, piano-driven anthem.

The Boy Least Likely To — Be Gentle With Me (follow the link and play the song on the page)

The Boy Least Likely To is the twee-est band that ever twee-ed. Lots of little toy instruments and xylophones and snuggly British accents to curl up in. I can’t remember which episode this appeared in, but I’m sure the mood it was meant to portray was “mischief.”

The Reindeer Section — You Are My Joy (follow the link to watch the video featuring adorable Scottish puppets – and an obnoxious Diet Pepsi commercial)

This is one of the best songs on the Scottish supergroup’s second album. I remember this happened during some sort of heart transplant surgery.

Tegan and Sara — Monday Monday Monday (click the link, click on audio, download the song)

The Grey’s Anatomy folks really like Tegan and Sara. They’ve used no less than four or five songs by them in the two seasons the show’s been on the air. Monday Monday Monday hasn’t been on the show, but it’s a good song and the only one with a free mp3 download.

Iron and Wine — Naked As We Came

This song has been used on multiple episodes. Mr. And Wine’s quiet little lullabies are very conducive to pensive, thought-collecting moments. Again, I can’t remember which specific scenes this was used for, but I’d like to think it was played during a scene wherein Meredith reflects on how much she sucks .

“Hi, I’m Rory Gilmore. I used to be all shy and bookish, and I didn’t know how to talk to boys, and I could always count on my awesome mom for the perfect comeback and spot-on advice. Now I’m at Yale… and… Logan… and…

“So I’m dating a rich asshole who’s only fun because he can throw money around like it’s his job. I’m self-righteous and irritating as editor-in-chief of the Yale Daily News. But I can’t stick up for myself in my personal life and I no longer listen to my awesome mom.

“What happened to me?”

The good old days.

Rory Gilmore, I’m sick of your shit.

When you slept with Dean, that was bad. But you had had a confusing year, as the first year of college often is. For the first time in your life, boys were not lining up around the block to carry your books. Teachers seemed to expect original thought. I can see how that might bruise a girl’s fragile ego, which would cause her to seek validation in the arms of a dude who is so sweet and so harmless he could never in a million years possibly do anything callous or mean. Except cheat on his wife, of course.

But then Logan. Listen, I’m trying not to judge. Really. I myself went to a fancy pants school, and on the first day there, after meeting my roomates (three other white chicks from the suburbs — thanks for the diversity, freshman dean’s office) and some other nice kids, I met this guy who would eventually become a very good friend and then six years later star in a WB reality TV show (btw: Dutch Aristocracy, my ass). I thought to myself, Shit. There are going to be guys like this All Over the Place! But… a) No there aren’t, and b) the ones that are, are actually real people, and nothing like Logan’s caricature of “Being a Rich Guy.” Not that I’m defending rich assholes. I just think that even rich assholes have more depth and nuance than Logan Huntzberger.

Also, I’m a Jess fan. (Though Jess is also a caricature — “Poor Hipster Tortured Artist” — I forgive him because he seems to have layers.) What’s wrong with you, Rory? Going to Philly to toy with him? Telling him you love Logan? Give the guy a break already! Like you haven’t made him suffer enough for treating you badly. He seems like he’s cleaned up his act, so let the man live his life. Or run off with him. Damn. Do something.

Just do NOT stay with Logan Huntzberger and act like a boring married couple and get used to the luxury so that you’ll never be able to have a normal relationship ever again. It’s crazy and stupid. Little Rory in her private school uniform and with her high ideals would laugh in your pathetic boring face.

She’d also be completely ashamed that you are so weak and hopeless that you actually stole a boat and quit school because Logan’s dad said some mean things to you. As is every viewer of this show. Don’t think I’ve forgiven you for that, Ms. Gilmore.

As Stephen Colbert would say, grow some balls. Get your shit together, and stop annoying me already.

The team at TiFaux, along with Tori, Kristin and Keifer, wishes our readers warm Passover greetings!

Have you removed all the leavened products from your household?

I can just picture the scene in MTV’s hq when the second season of Laguna Beach set the effing place on fire. I’ve always loved the laguna, but I thought it was kind of niche programming, appealing to those of us who, say, watched all of the My Super Sweet 16 reunion shows. Twice. (New season premieres tomorrow at 10 pm. Just putting it out there). But lo, the laguna exploded, and it was good. I’m sure the morning the ratings rolled in they commissioned everyone to find The Next Laguna, something to hold us over between the season 2 finale and a time when LC will be able to doe-eye her way through “The Hills” (premiere May 24th) while Kristin starts nailing Jessica Simpson’s leftovers. Kristin, by the way, has the hardest working publicist in town, and made her way into Jane magazine’s “30 Under 30.” Granted, this list also included a female DPW worker in new york, but still. Mazel tov, Kristin.

The question remains– how do you follow up the laguna? Like catching lightning in a jar, no? What could people want to watch more than rich white kids? Skinny pretty people! Dur!

It took me awhile to warm up on 8th and Ocean. The first episode isn’t all that great, it mostly just introduced the “characters” and laid some groundwork. There’s the eponymous owner of the Irene Marie modeling agency, looking as though she had been tanned and weather-sealed by an old west saddle maker. There’s Vinci, the 6 figure arrogant male model who has trouble (a) stringing together an intelligible sentence and (b) getting out of bed before 11 am, despite his somewhat lax schedule of laying by the pool and nailing bitches. We also have Kelly and Sabrina, identical twins who starred in an Acuvue 2 commercial, who have the most intricate and manipulative relationship involving skin care and boob jobs that I’ve ever seen. Then there’s Teddy John, playa extrordinaire, who sets his sights early on Britt, a fresh-faced midwestern girl who was homeschooled (red flag!) before moving to Florida to refuse to do modeling shoots that involve wearing anything less covering than a nun’s habit.

During his pursuit of Britt, Teddy John manages to bag another female model in a hot tub, within 50 yards of where Britt looked on from her model apartment balcony. Clearly, he was able to do this with his talent for the spoken word:

TJ: You’re hot. Do you think I’m hot?

Chick: You’re a hottie. Wait, you hate that word.

TJ: You’re gorgeous. You’re a gorgeous-ie.

Kids, stay in school.

Sadly for Teddy John, Britt spends one of the early episodes in a church basement meeting of Pretty People for Jesus in which she declares the big JC both her “maker” and “husband.” Huh, how does that work, I wonder? Also, how do you find your way to said meetings? Are there some kind of markers leading you to them?

Oh, good. I can only hope that this meeting was taking place right next to Grammar Enthusiasts for Ganesh.

ABC airs shows online.   National employee productivity drops to all-time low.