Vito and Johnnycakes dare to dream.

Last night wasn’t much in terms of violence on The Sopranos. In fact, aside from Vito and his would-be love interest getting into a knock-down drag-out fist fight, there really wasn’t any to speak of at all.

There was, however, lots of uncomfortable sex/nudity to be enjoyed by my brother, my mom and myself. Here’s the run-down.

1. The first moments of the episode feature Carmella and Tony going at it.  For her part, Carmella looks horrified (or maybe I’m just projecting).  Really, I’d probably be worried about Tony’s belly scar bursting open and being covered in mafia guts.

2. So, Vito’s been celibate ever since running away from home when he was outed.  He found himself in this quaint, sleepy New Hampshire town that just happens to be chock full of gays (it probably has a name — I’ll just call it Gayberry).  He settles down in Gayberry and begins a flirtation with the guy who runs the local diner and fries up a mean stack of Johnnycakes.  The guy, who looks kind of like a more Harley-Davidsonish version of the guy from Seven Mary Three [W&M represent!]), seems to reciprocate Vito’s affections.
Jumping ahead, Vito screws up by pretending he’s not actually gay, they get into a fight and Johnnycakes leaves Vito in a bloody heap in a parking lot.  Despite all this, Vito manages to walk into the diner again patch things up and one montage later they’re on a blanket in the meadow and Vito is taking off Johnnycakes’ shirt.
Meanwhile, I’m staring at the television screen, shouting in my head “OhmyGodchangethesceneohmygodchangethesceneohmygodchangethescene.”  The scene lasted for about 5 seconds, but, I swear to God, it felt like a half hour.

3. A.J. gets an erotic massage from some blonde who thinks its cool that his dad’s a gangster.  It doesn’t really go any further than that (that we see, anyway), but it’s strange to see the slimmed-down, grown-up A.J., having gone from this to this.

4. Remember Julianna Marguiles?  Last time you saw her, she was reuniting with special guest star George Clooney on E.R.  Last night she was a Century 21 realtor (named Julianna) who was having her panties graphically ripped off by Mr. Soprano.  Unfortunately for Julianna, Tony gets a case of the guilts and storms out.  Later on, he gets pissed about copping out and yells at Carmella for not getting smoked turkey.
And this is what I don’t get — what is it about these roly-poly mafia men that is making them attract people that (in other circumstances) would be way out of their league?  Is it just that stench of power and suaveness?

1. Numerous items related to the MTV nighttime soap opera/ softcore porn “Undressed,” where none of the plotlines carried over from night to night and it didn’t matter, anyway. Specifically, I’d like to rid myself of the sorority-themed episodes, where one co-ed pledges a particular sorority because she wants to use their career connections later on in life and has to endure a series of unfunny and unrealistic hazing stints in order to become a sister. (A) No one joins sororities for career connections. The only connections I wanted out of my sorority were the ones to free beer and boys. I guarantee that that particular pledge went on to an entirely different career, never used her sorority connections, and was pissed of that she put up with instructions to pick a pencil up off the ground without bending her knees, after removing her underware from beneath her skirt. (B). Bitch, please. Like any of their sassy-ass hazing would actually happen. Next time go for something real, like making them drink until they can’t stand, or sending them to the health center to get a free breast exam during breast cancer awareness week. (#2 actually happened at my school. Not my house, though. We were too busy studying).

2. The song in the granny panty commercial that trilled “My way is Hanes Her Way!” and showed active women of the day (circa 1987) in a variety of activities that were in no way inhibited by uncomfortable underware. Curiously (or, not curiously at all) none of them showed the women getting any sweet, sweet loving- obviously, because they were wearing single color cotton undertrousers with an elastic waistband an inch thick. Look, I love comfortable underware as much as the next chick. As I type this, I’m wearing boy cut royal blue underware with the Superman insignia on the front. Don’t try to tell me my life will be improved with your underware. Clearly, I already know what’s up. (insert kryptonite jokes here… insert, hah! I really shouldn’t be saying this having just learned that maggie’s mom reads this blog. Hi, maggie’s mom!).

3. All of the character names on nickelodeon’s “Salute Your Shorts,” including Telly, the athletic sassy tomboy (isn’t Telly also the name of one of the guys who spreads AIDS to 14 year olds in the movie “Kids?”), Donkey Lips, the fat kid with the lisp and the heart of gold, and Ug, their bumbling counselor who just wants some respect. Was this the worst show ever made? If so, why would I watch it for 12 hours straight if it showed up on my guide function tonight?

4. The made for TV movie with ben affleck about steroids. Particularly the part where he’s all roid-raging and starts pounding himself in the chest. I will, however, be keeping the scene in the Buffy The Vampire Slayer movie where Ben Affleck plays one of the unnamed basketball players, and the scene in School Ties where he is also unnamed and lingering in the background of a roomful of racists that hate Brendan Frasier, because I like pre-veneers Affleck ’cause it’s important to stay true to your roots.

5. This isn’t so much of letting go of memories as it is letting go of deep seeded anger– winnie cooper, I forgive you for the time that you sat with all of the jocks at the high school lunch table and didn’t make room for kevin. Even though my soul burned when I saw the look of anguish on his face, I forgive you, Winnie. Let’s be frank here. You’re at least 300% hotter than Kevin, even with the bangs, and you turned in a stunning performance as Emily in “Our Town” (“remember how you used to say? All the time, you used to say– that I was YOUR girl”) and kevin won’t ever be good enough for you. I would have done the same thing, if I had your hair.

6. The commercials for Talking Battleship. Actually, I’d like to forget that Talking Battleship ever existed. As far as I’m concerned, the whole point of battleship was to cheat by casually moving your ships around as the game progressed, and sometimes stacking them on top of each other should the situation allow it. Talking Battleship made this impossible and, thusly, unfun. You are dead to me, Talking Battleship.

7. The episode of Dawson’s Creek where the chick from Sweet Valley High (who totally got caught making out with Dawson on the auditorium stage in front of the whole school– how convenient) shows up in Capeside because she’s the illegitimate daughter of Jen’s mom, and jen’s half-sister. Don’t think I didn’t notice that this was never wrapped up, WB. I could have done with a throwaway line two seasons later about how she was killed in a car accident. Something– ANYTHING. Don’t just leave me hanging. Also, in the final episode, I’d like to forget the image of Joey’s manhattan apartment. By my math, she was something like 3 years out of college and working in publishing which, last time I checked, was my exact life description. Unless she’s screwing her landlord, no chance in hell she’s in a setup like that. No chance.

(off topic, and I know everyone’s disgusted by her naming the baby Suri– not that she had any choice in the matter, I’m sure–but is anyone else having the problem I’m having where every time it’s mentioned you start singing the soundtrack to Oklahoma!? “When I take you out in the suri with the friiiinge on top!” Anyone? Like that scene in “When Harry Met Sally?”).

Maybe it’s just me. The cheese stands alone.