Given that I have never gotten sucked into the Jack Bauer Swoon Cult, there’s really nothing on on Mondays. So, I often find myself watching this crappy show called Medium.
Medium follows the life Allison DuBois: psychic, crimefighter, soccer mom. By day, she works in the district attorney’s office, offering cryptic half-leads to her good-hearted, but political-minded boss and a hot, surly detective. By night, Allison is a busy suburban mom with a station wagon, a rocket scientist husband and three little girls who are all as blonde as the day is long.
Patricia Arquette acts. Badly.
The average episode goes something like this: Something morbid happens. Allison wakes up, cluing you into the fact that it was a dream, but you still have no idea what’s going on. Allison tells her boss and the detective, but no one believes her even though she’s AN EFFING PSYCHIC! In the end, Allison is vindicated as the pieces fall into place and she saves the day. Meanwhile, one of Allison’s little baby psychics (oh, and they are) has some boring problem at school. It is eventually solved with some butting of parental heads and, often, superpowers.
So, what makes Medium so crappy? Most of the responsibility rests squarely on the shoulders of Patricia Arquette, the World’s Worst Actress. Despite the fact that she won the Emmy for Best Actress in a Drama for Medium’s first season (check out the tragic Emmy hair), I really can’t focus on half of what goes on in the show because of her flat delivery. It’s like she knows what she’s supposed to emote, but is trying too hard to remember her lines to actually do it. Plus, not to get petty, but she’s got something weird going on with her teeth — like they’re all flat across the front of her mouth or something.
And the bad acting, I’m afraid, really doesn’t stop there.
Okay, so I know I’m totally going to hell. It’s fine. I’ve come to terms with it. It’ll be me and Oscar Wilde chillin’ in the sulphurous blaze. But I’ve got to say: there’s this child actor that plays the middle daughter who bugs the crap out of me. I just can’t get over it. She says everything with this “Well, golly!” tone and just hams up every line she’s given. Maybe my discomfort stems from the fact that she somewhat reminds me of the way I would have been if I had been a child actor (I was an attention whorish youth myself).
Now that sweeps is upon us, Medium has been rolling out the b- and c-list guest stars. Last night: Molly Ringwald as a blind woman being kissed by a ghost. Next Monday: Kelsey Grammer as, I shit you not, Death himself.
