A white-backgrounded commercial you might not see on TV

Posted by Kyle May 8th, 2006 at 04:38pm In Adverts

You know how the only reason basic cable channels aren't 24-hour man-on-goat orgies is because they wouldn't get any advertisers? The broadcast networks may be hampered by the Margaret Dumonts at the FCC, but basic cable just wants to get paid. And the people who sponsor goat orgy tv shows don't pay the big bucks like companies such as, say… Philips do. Well, what happens when the advertisers turn into foul-mouthed assholes? The world goes all crazy!

Witness this website extolling the virtues of the Philips (Official Partner of the 2006 FIFA World Cup Germany™) Bodygroom.

You (men) are supposed to use this device to shave your unsightly body hair. This can include your back, chest, or armpits, but the site spends most of its time talking about shaving your cock, balls, and ass. Ok. So they beep out the "dirty" words. But they also invented a phrase much dirtier than anything they bleeped out: "Optical Inch." As in "When Hedwig shaved off all his pubic hair using the Philips Bodygroom he added an optical inch to his penis length. Optically doubling his manhood." It's a tortured, legalistic phrase designed to promise something without delivering anything.

Still, there's something oddly fascinating about this strange be-robed pitchman. He's a kind of depilated Inconsiderate Cell Phone Guy (note: in that link an ad copywriter says " 'Waiting for Guffman,' 'Best in Show,' even 'Curb Your Enthusiasm,' which are all loosely scripted, are all really funny right now." (emphasis mine)) but the asshole he's impersonating is not the butt of a joke, he's the ideal customer.

Weird.