Last night I finally realized that I hate American Idol. 

This realization has been a long time coming and the only real reason I've persevered as long as I have is because of the ugly-sexiness of one Elliot Yamin.

I just hate everything about it.  And I know no one cares, but I just have to get this burst of negativity out and then I'll go hang out with the other gals at the Sanrio store.

For instance, I hate the judges.  Every week they pretend to fight, with Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell engaging in bickering that ranges from flirty pillowtalk to mean-spirited barbs that make everyone uncomfortable.  Then there's Paula "Where's My OxyContin?" Abdul, slurring and giving effusive praise no matter how crappy the performance was, and Randy Jackson, who says the same things over and over (and, I swear to God, he mentions his career in Journey all the time.  If I were him, I'd try to sweep that under the rug just the way Lost's Evangeline Lilly doesn't advertise her past on dating hotline commercials). 

Last week, as I'm sure you've heard, faux rocker Chris Daughtry had the rug pulled out from under him as he was unceremoniously booted off the show. 

I felt bad for a while.  Then I stopped.

Daughtry was edgy for Idol, he was pretty lame by any other standard.  I mean, he's got a rocker growl so generic that Fuel asked him to be their lead singer.  Fuel!

Between the S-burns (the tilda-shaped squiggles by his ears) and the cowboy-of-death wardrobe, he's got all the fixin's to make a successful career as a forgettable rock star, but I don't know if he'd ever really make music that I'd ever call good.  In fact, I don't think I'd really ever buy a record by anyone on AI.

And this is why American Idol will always suck: because it relies on the judgement of the public at large.  The same public that elected George W. Bush to two terms, the same public that sustained "Everybody Loves Raymond" for a bajillion seasons, the same public that caused a sequel to Martin Lawrence's "Big Momma's House." 

Anything aims to appeal that broadly is immediately suspect in my eyes.  The fact that I am a snob about music is beside the point.

The biggest tragedy in this whole thing is that Dialidol.com has been extremely accurate and has consistently picked Taylor Hicks as the top vote-getter.  He's been destined to win all along, joining the sweet-as-pie-and-just-as-smart Carrie Underwood in the ranks of American Idols.

I've never really seen somebody who is so enamored with his own bullshit like Taylor Hicks.  He's constantly shouting "Soul Patrol" like it's some sort of Tourettes-related tic.  When he finally stops shouting, he grins like he couldn't be prouder of his own annoying enthusiasm.

And this, friends, is America's choice. 

CBS, what have you done for me lately? Yes, you've gotten me to watch How I Met Your Mother, but I sometimes I feel like I was tricked into it through wonderful casting (Neil Patrick Harris! Jason Segel from Freaks and Geeks! Alyson Hannigan from Buffy! Alyson Hannigan's husband!). But other than that, you've been kind of a void, mostly because I don't watch CSI, nor do I understand the appeal of CSI. So are you going to step up? Offer something I might like to take a chance on?

Here's the 2006-2007 CBS primetime schedule.

Of note: How I Met Your Mother is moving to 8 pm. Who cares. The actor who plays my favorite character from the Broadway show The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (character: Leaf Coneybear, actor: Jesse Tyler Ferguson) is in The Class, the sitcom they're putting on right after HIMYM. That's reason enough for me to watch it, even though I (much like the networks, it seems) have a deep distrust of standard old-school 4-camera sitcoms. Also, I think I once saw him on the street. But once again, who cares. I am SO OVER heist stuff, so Smith is out. James Woods is gross, so Shark is out. And the mushroom-cloud show (Jericho) sounds genuinely frightening, but not necessarily in a way that's making me pumped to watch it.

That's all you've got, CBS?

In other news, I heard Veronica Mars is officially on the CW schedule… though maybe only for 13 episodes. More tomorrow.