As we come to the end of Jack's fifth "longest day of his life" I'd like to take a walk down memory lane and remember the season finales of days past.

• Season 1: Just when we think it's safe, Nina Myers, former girlfriend, kills Jack's wife. Rough.
• Season 2: Just when we think it's safe, Mandy tries to kill President Palmer. Cheap stunt.
• Season 3: Palmer decides not to run for re-election, so the whole supporting cast can be replaced if the producers feel like it. Also Jack chops off Chase's hand and then tells him it's OK to date Kim.
• Season 4: Just when we think it's safe, Jack has to fake his own death to avoid getting murdered by the secret service. Exciting!

And now Season 5. Will Jack catch a break? We got the requisite cold-blooded killing with Henderson. Will that 17-year-old newly minted murderer on the submarine turn him in? I think Jack's got bigger problems now. As usual I started getting worried when Jack and Audrey got all smoochy. And right on cue, just when we thought it was safe, Jack falls for the old "your daughter's on the land line in the dark room" trick. Now he's on a boat to China, destined for torture and show trials galore. Perhaps he'll be forced to fight with China's best CTU agents in an arena-style battle to the death broadcast on national television. Poor Jack. Out of the dozens of people Jack has killed in the past 5 years, Jack had to get in trouble for the one he didn't actually kill. I think it's worth bringing this up because it's been a long time since anyone mentioned it. Jack didn't kill any Chinese people. OK, maybe he invaded their embassy. That was bad. But the Chinese Consul was killed by his own guards. By accident. It wouldn't have happened if Jack hadn't busted in there all M:I style, but if they had just let him interrogate the injured Chinese dude he wouldn't have been forced to do it. Never say no to Jack Bauer.

And how awesome is Martha Logan? She started out all nutso and turned into the Jack Bauer of first ladies. For those of you keeping score at home, we also have Aaron Pierce, the Jack Bauer of the Secret Service. Just like Jack, if there's a right side to be on, Aaron has always been on it. Palmer was almost the Jack Bauer of Presidents, but he covered up for Sherry in season 3 and blew it. Sorry David, Jack Bauers are never wrong. Sherry Palmer of course was the Nina Meyers of first ladies.

Prediction for Season 5: A dimly lit Chinese prison cell. Jack Bauer crouches on the floor. His beard is weeks old and filthy. A guard approaches with a bowl of rice. Jack angrily smacks it away and yells at him in Chinese, which he now speaks fluently. Suddenly there is the sound of machine guns. Guards fall in the distance. Then footsteps. Someone is coming around the corner! Jack looks up to see Chloe, who casually throws him one of her guns. "Update your protocols Jack, I'm here to save you."

Lately, Ameriprise, a financial services company, has been running a series of irritating commercials aimed squarely at the baby boomer demographic.

The spots feature grainy, 60s- and 70s-era home video footage (fake?) of young people being young.  They dance in decade-specific garb, sport ridiculous hairstyles and ride motorcyles (because that's what you did back then).  Halfway through the longest commercial, entitled "Back Then," it switches to the present day, with average-to-good-looking fiftysomethings kayaking, swinging at baseballs, rollerskating with teenagers and going on safaris (because that's what they do now).  All the while, a narrator says "a generation as unique as this needs a new generation of personal financial planning."

While this commercial is indeed ass-kissy and vexing in its own right, the worst commercial is the one entitled "Meaningful Relationship," which features similar stock footage, this time of nuzzling lovebirds with narration saying that "you're a generation that gave new meaning to the meaningful relationship." 

Blah, blah, blah, buy something from Ameriprise.

It's all really condescending and irksome, and I'm not even the one being talked down to. 

In thirty years, I'm looking forward to seeing similar pieces of nostalgia: in the eighties you see kids watching The Smurfs while wearing pajamas with feet; in the nineties you've got greasy-haired, flannel-wearing teens trying to form guitar chords; in the 2000s you have people amazed at the novelty of the blogosphere; and in the 2010s you have thirtysomethings revelling in the newfound economic stability of the first term of the Obama/Affleck administration.

On the one hand, Robert Rey, black belt, star of the E! Channel's "Doctor 90210" and all-around cheeseball, brought his own brand of justice to a recent plane ride to LAX.  Apparently, when the plane was getting ready to land, some old dude freaked out and got out of his seat, shoving a flight attendant.  As he strutted into first class, Rey sprung into action.

"When you get a black belt, at that stage your brain just clicks into action," he said. "I restrained this gentleman in a very aggressive way without hurting him."

Robert Rey, TiFaux salutes you.

On a side note, my favorite part of the above article is this last paragraph: 

Rey also appears as himself on a Carl's Jr. commercial in which he advises a chicken to undergo breast augmentation surgery.

On the other hand, that Michelle Rodriguez just can't seem to keep her nose clean.

The continuing fallout from her drunk driving arrest involves an LA judge ordering her to serve 60 days in jail and 30 days worth of community service.

Now we all know Europe has been on the forefront of reality TV programming, usually inventing our favorite shows first and doing it with more boobs. But did you know that Europe has had an American-Idol style song contest going on for over 50 years? The latest one happened over the weekend and despite living right in the middle of Europe I had no idea. Of course, I stopped trying to watch German TV after the first week, so I guess that's not surprising. Leave it to Slate to let me know what I missed. Finnish "rockers" Lordi took home the top prize in a performance that must be seen to be believed.

Obviously the "best" performers never win phone-based voting contests, but I'm pretty sure lyrics like "Arockalypse" or "Day of Rockening" should be grounds for disqualification.

Also, that song you think this sounds exactly like is "Eye of the Tiger."