Season Finale Watch: 24

Posted by Kyle May 23rd, 2006 at 05:51pm In Jack Bauer

As we come to the end of Jack's fifth "longest day of his life" I'd like to take a walk down memory lane and remember the season finales of days past.

• Season 1: Just when we think it's safe, Nina Myers, former girlfriend, kills Jack's wife. Rough.
• Season 2: Just when we think it's safe, Mandy tries to kill President Palmer. Cheap stunt.
• Season 3: Palmer decides not to run for re-election, so the whole supporting cast can be replaced if the producers feel like it. Also Jack chops off Chase's hand and then tells him it's OK to date Kim.
• Season 4: Just when we think it's safe, Jack has to fake his own death to avoid getting murdered by the secret service. Exciting!

And now Season 5. Will Jack catch a break? We got the requisite cold-blooded killing with Henderson. Will that 17-year-old newly minted murderer on the submarine turn him in? I think Jack's got bigger problems now. As usual I started getting worried when Jack and Audrey got all smoochy. And right on cue, just when we thought it was safe, Jack falls for the old "your daughter's on the land line in the dark room" trick. Now he's on a boat to China, destined for torture and show trials galore. Perhaps he'll be forced to fight with China's best CTU agents in an arena-style battle to the death broadcast on national television. Poor Jack. Out of the dozens of people Jack has killed in the past 5 years, Jack had to get in trouble for the one he didn't actually kill. I think it's worth bringing this up because it's been a long time since anyone mentioned it. Jack didn't kill any Chinese people. OK, maybe he invaded their embassy. That was bad. But the Chinese Consul was killed by his own guards. By accident. It wouldn't have happened if Jack hadn't busted in there all M:I style, but if they had just let him interrogate the injured Chinese dude he wouldn't have been forced to do it. Never say no to Jack Bauer.

And how awesome is Martha Logan? She started out all nutso and turned into the Jack Bauer of first ladies. For those of you keeping score at home, we also have Aaron Pierce, the Jack Bauer of the Secret Service. Just like Jack, if there's a right side to be on, Aaron has always been on it. Palmer was almost the Jack Bauer of Presidents, but he covered up for Sherry in season 3 and blew it. Sorry David, Jack Bauers are never wrong. Sherry Palmer of course was the Nina Meyers of first ladies.

Prediction for Season 5: A dimly lit Chinese prison cell. Jack Bauer crouches on the floor. His beard is weeks old and filthy. A guard approaches with a bowl of rice. Jack angrily smacks it away and yells at him in Chinese, which he now speaks fluently. Suddenly there is the sound of machine guns. Guards fall in the distance. Then footsteps. Someone is coming around the corner! Jack looks up to see Chloe, who casually throws him one of her guns. "Update your protocols Jack, I'm here to save you."