Didn’t they almost have it all?

Posted by Cristin May 31st, 2006 at 12:13pm In Vintage

Back in high school when I was working towards the title of Cleverist Person Ever on Earth Ever–only to walk away with little more than the "Most Sarcastic" and "Loudest" Senior Superlatives–I had the extremely clever idea to write a clever high school newspaper article about lessons I learned from watching Saved By The Bell. Because, obviously, I was/ am the only person on the planet whose fits of nostalgia repeatedly lead them back to Bayside (Beat Valley!), and that idea totally hadn't already been played out by 1999. Of course not. So clever, this one.

Part of the article, which was later cut by ruthless section editors, was a Where Are They Now sidebar on the cast. It went a little something like this, recreated here with updated updates:

Mario Lopez: Heartbreaking portrayal of Greg Louganis in that made for tv movie. Hosted pet talent show on cable. Now hosts odd hybrid of Entertainment Tonight and SportsCenter on ESPN. Continues to confuse me with hairstyle choices.

Mark Paul Gosselaar: groundbreaking performance as a frat boy date rapist in Lifetime original movie "She Cried No." Lead character on the short-lived "Hyperion Bay." Affixed to the back of Cristin's bedroom door in the form of a Tiger Beat poster. Stint on NYPD Blue.

Tiffani Thiessen: Hobags McGee.

Elizabeth Berkely: Was, is, and will always be Nomi Malone of Showgirls fame. Also, recently showed up at the grand opening of the midtown 24 hour apple store. Seen doing a violent pole dance on the E train after wards to an unnamed Pointer Sisters song.

Dustin Diamond: Starred on Celebrity Boxing Reality Show. Stand up comedian. Freelance school song writer.

Lark Voorhies: Whereabouts unknown.

That is… until now. If your mom was mad for crashing her car before prom, I can only imagine what she'll do now that you've got a taste for the devil's dandruff, Lisa.