One of my favorite parts of the second half of the Survivor season is when they introduce the jury at every tribal council.  The booted castaways always look supa-hot — showered, shaved, plucked and coiffed.

The season finale of Survivor: Exile Island featured this dude named Shane on the jury.  On his stay on the island, Shane was notorious for his mental instablity.  Initially triggered by the fact that he kicked a 20-year, 3-pack-a-day cigarette habit on his first day on the island, he continued to flip out with manic outbursts and mild hallucinations (there was this whole episode where he was typing on a piece of wood like a blackberry). 

In any case, I just felt like sharing this fetching get-up that somebody dressed him in for the final tribal council.  On the left is a picture of how everyone remembers Shane: crazy eyes, protruding belly and scary Cape Fear tattoos.  On the right is Shane at tribal council in, dare I say, the daintiest blouse I ever did see.

Like a newborn first finding its way into the cold cruel world, the UPN/WB hybrid the CW debuts its first primetime line-up today. I have to admit a certain fondness for both the WB and UPN — the WB brought me Gilmore Girls and Dawson's Creek in its prime, and UPN has brought me Veronica Mars and Everybody Hates Chris. If only they could combine the best of both these worlds… Unfortunately, they've decided to bring back 7th Heaven, which means they can't be trusted, as that is by far the Worst. Show. Ever.

But here, in all its newborn glory, is the first primetime lineup of the CW (this is not the official press release; I'll post it when I manage to find it — UPDATE: Here's the full release).

Of note: There are practically no new shows in this schedule. But… VERONICA MARS! VERONICA MARS! VERONICA MARS! People who like Everwood are bummed. I used to be one of you. But I got over-committed with other nonsense and it had to go. 7th Heaven sucks; have I mentioned? 

And that's it for the network upfronts. You may argue that I ignored the other new network, MyNetworkTV. I did not. I just chose not to acknowledge it. So there. 

Fox, I know you're the sleaziest of the networks. I despise your news arm, and anything you do in the "reality" category, including American Idol (hooray, Dan!). But, to be completely honest, Fox, you come up with the best, most original, most watchable shows currently haunting my TiFaux. To wit: House and 24. I also hear good things about Prison Break from people who I trust, though the premise was too ridiculous for me to watch myself. So, what have we to look forward to next year?

Here's the 2006-2007 Fox primetime schedule.

Of note: HOUSE! 24! Yay! Fox still shows Cops and America's Most Wanted. Who knew? Ron Livingstone has a new show (Standoff) that's called a cross between Moonlighting and 24 in the press release — could be absolutely absurd, but actually kind of sounds a teensy bit interesting. Rob Corddry's sitcom (The Winner) is currently unscheduled and sounds like it could be awful, but it's Rob Corddry. And with his brother Nate on Studio 60, the Corddrys are taking over Hollywood, people! Watch out! On the Lot sounds absolutely terrifying. I think the concept is fantastic but I don't think we'll be able to watch it in our house because of a combination of nerves/jealousy/righteous anger.

I really love House. 

I didn't see the last 6 episodes thanks to my Berlin-based lifestyle, but I read the news today, oh boy. BJ Averell, my friend who would have been voted most likely to star on a reality TV show–if they did superlatives at Harvard–won $1 million on The Amazing Race 9 along with Best Friend Tyler. Congratulations BJ and Tyler. Have you ever considered financing independent films?

Last night I finally realized that I hate American Idol. 

This realization has been a long time coming and the only real reason I've persevered as long as I have is because of the ugly-sexiness of one Elliot Yamin.

I just hate everything about it.  And I know no one cares, but I just have to get this burst of negativity out and then I'll go hang out with the other gals at the Sanrio store.

For instance, I hate the judges.  Every week they pretend to fight, with Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell engaging in bickering that ranges from flirty pillowtalk to mean-spirited barbs that make everyone uncomfortable.  Then there's Paula "Where's My OxyContin?" Abdul, slurring and giving effusive praise no matter how crappy the performance was, and Randy Jackson, who says the same things over and over (and, I swear to God, he mentions his career in Journey all the time.  If I were him, I'd try to sweep that under the rug just the way Lost's Evangeline Lilly doesn't advertise her past on dating hotline commercials). 

Last week, as I'm sure you've heard, faux rocker Chris Daughtry had the rug pulled out from under him as he was unceremoniously booted off the show. 

I felt bad for a while.  Then I stopped.

Daughtry was edgy for Idol, he was pretty lame by any other standard.  I mean, he's got a rocker growl so generic that Fuel asked him to be their lead singer.  Fuel!

Between the S-burns (the tilda-shaped squiggles by his ears) and the cowboy-of-death wardrobe, he's got all the fixin's to make a successful career as a forgettable rock star, but I don't know if he'd ever really make music that I'd ever call good.  In fact, I don't think I'd really ever buy a record by anyone on AI.

And this is why American Idol will always suck: because it relies on the judgement of the public at large.  The same public that elected George W. Bush to two terms, the same public that sustained "Everybody Loves Raymond" for a bajillion seasons, the same public that caused a sequel to Martin Lawrence's "Big Momma's House." 

Anything aims to appeal that broadly is immediately suspect in my eyes.  The fact that I am a snob about music is beside the point.

The biggest tragedy in this whole thing is that Dialidol.com has been extremely accurate and has consistently picked Taylor Hicks as the top vote-getter.  He's been destined to win all along, joining the sweet-as-pie-and-just-as-smart Carrie Underwood in the ranks of American Idols.

I've never really seen somebody who is so enamored with his own bullshit like Taylor Hicks.  He's constantly shouting "Soul Patrol" like it's some sort of Tourettes-related tic.  When he finally stops shouting, he grins like he couldn't be prouder of his own annoying enthusiasm.

And this, friends, is America's choice. 

CBS, what have you done for me lately? Yes, you've gotten me to watch How I Met Your Mother, but I sometimes I feel like I was tricked into it through wonderful casting (Neil Patrick Harris! Jason Segel from Freaks and Geeks! Alyson Hannigan from Buffy! Alyson Hannigan's husband!). But other than that, you've been kind of a void, mostly because I don't watch CSI, nor do I understand the appeal of CSI. So are you going to step up? Offer something I might like to take a chance on?

Here's the 2006-2007 CBS primetime schedule.

Of note: How I Met Your Mother is moving to 8 pm. Who cares. The actor who plays my favorite character from the Broadway show The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee (character: Leaf Coneybear, actor: Jesse Tyler Ferguson) is in The Class, the sitcom they're putting on right after HIMYM. That's reason enough for me to watch it, even though I (much like the networks, it seems) have a deep distrust of standard old-school 4-camera sitcoms. Also, I think I once saw him on the street. But once again, who cares. I am SO OVER heist stuff, so Smith is out. James Woods is gross, so Shark is out. And the mushroom-cloud show (Jericho) sounds genuinely frightening, but not necessarily in a way that's making me pumped to watch it.

That's all you've got, CBS?

In other news, I heard Veronica Mars is officially on the CW schedule… though maybe only for 13 episodes. More tomorrow. 

Survivor ended on Sunday.  Perhaps I'll write something about it at a later time, but right now laziness trumps productivity.  For now, I'll just say that Aras' victory was decidedly "meh" and I'm just pleased that Terry didn't win.

However, I do think it's interesting that original Survivor winner Richard Hatch is going to be spending 51 months in the hoosegow for not paying taxes on his million bucks.  His sentence was worse than anyone expected because he pissed the judge off by repeatedly committing perjury during the trial.

I should be doing this, instead of whatever I'm doing now.

You know, I really hate ABC. Granted, I watch Grey's Anatomy. All the time. But sometimes I hate it, you know? And I hate myself for watching it? But it's addictive anyway? But there's absolutely nothing else they offer that I'm remotely interested in. I suppose I'd probably like Lost, if I ever got around to watching it, which, hey, maybe I'll do that this summer. Not a bad idea. Still, they have the worst possible taste in comedies, and their relentless family feel-good style makes me queasy.

So anyway, it's the upfronts, here's ABC's fall schedule.

Of note: Let's Rob Mick Jagger is the clear winner here, and pretty much the only new show I'm even remotely "jazzed" about. The Nine makes me think of Donald Kaufman's screenplay in Adaptation, The Three, which means in my head it might have a motorcycle and horse chase ("it's like technology vs. horse") but will in no way be any good. Best title: Betty the Ugly. Best casting: Hope Davis and Campbell Scott, Six Degrees. Worst schedule change: Grey's Anatomy is moving to Thursday at 9, putting it up against Studio 60.

Here's the press release for NBC's 2006-2007 primetime schedule.

Of note: Naturally, the one that everyone's so goddamn excited about, Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Aaron Sorkin's new show, Thursdays at 9. But also, Tina Fey's new show (which is the exact same premise, only a sitcom, not a drama), 30 Rock, Wednesdays at 9:30. The return of The Office! Thursdays at 8:30! And I like the sound of Heroes, about people with superpowers, Mondays at 9. But it could be stupid. Who knows! That's the fun of the upfronts, people! 

I like that Kyle Chandler has a new show, but that's only because I've met him. There's no way I'm watching some football drama. 

I guess Kidnapped could be good. 

Last year I really knew I had turned a corner in my television watching/obsessing when I learned about the upfronts, that wonderful week when the networks present their fall seasons to advertisers. And now I am imparting this fabulous knowledge to you, so you can join me in the unhealthy brooding. They're happening this week. Here's the schedule:

Monday: NBC (Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, Tina Fey's show)

Tuesday: ABC

Wednesday: CBS

Thursday: CW (Veronica Mars?), Fox

I can read your mind. You're asking yourself, why do I care? And also, why does Maggie care? Well besides the obvious — dear God, will Veronica Mars be back? — I find this whole ritual delightful. The networks present clips of their shows, and are generally enthusiastic and verging on giddy. They sometimes do fun things like have Amy Poehler and Tina Fey present the shows "Weekend Update"-style. It reminds me of the day that cast lists for plays are posted. Which is always fun, or was in high school. If I could take a week of vacation and just go hang out at Radio City Music Hall to see this stuff in person, I absolutely would. And that's my confession of the day.

Update: So you're intrigued? You want to read more? I understand.

A TV Upfront Checklist

NYT's NBC speculation

Where Do All the Pilots Go?