The Hills: She’s Got Issues, episode 1

Posted by Cristin June 5th, 2006 at 01:17pm In Reality The Hills

The Hills (also known as the Laguna spin-off that didn't get canceled after two episodes– sorry Kristin) premiered last week. I haven't been so primed to like something since I went to go see the Britney Spears movie on opening night my junior year of college (with tifaux dan in tow. Let me save you from wondering: he loved it). Which is why I was so distraught when LC started boring me all of, I don't know, 3 minutes into it. I spent days trying to wrap my head around the problems I have with the show, but have hit some trouble in boiling them down to a tifaux snack-sized paragraph. (To wit, will request that Webmaster Kyle hide part of this post behind one of those snazzy "click here for more!" cuts. Because I can barely MySpace stalk the people I hated in high school, let alone do stuff like that). Granted, none of these problems will keep me from watching Every. Single. Episode the moment it airs whilst tifauxing it, and then watching it again the following day in case I missed anything.

We open episode one on LC packing (hey, remember when season 2 opened this way? And she was all leaving for college and stuff? then she was packing again cause she was all dropping out of college and stuff? Good times, good times) and she voiceovers to introduce herself as lauren (issue #1: Your name is LC. I can tell by the way that Kristin always said "LC" as if it had invisible air quotes around it that you picked that nicknamed out in middle school after stephen said it was "kinda cute" and then forced everyone to call you by it. You can't go back. That's like having "Deborah Gibson stars in Beauty & The Beast!" splashed all over broadway, as it was a few years ago. No one was fooled, we still all busted out "Electric Youth!" every time we saw it. Cut this "Lauren" bullshit). Then LC is cruising along to LA (issue #2: With two suitcases in the back of her beemer. All orange county chicks are light packers) to the dulcet tones of Natasha Bedingfield (who's making out with Nick Lachey, who used to make out with Kristin Cavalleri, who was in Laguna Beach with LC! Suck it, Kevin Bacon!) which is inspiring me to make some kind of "Unwritten"/ LC is illiterate joke, but she's just so effing cute. She arrives at her apartment complex which she apparently signed on for sight unseen (issue #3, but only 'cause I live in manhattan) and looks around at the ridiculously gorgeous apartment pool and goes "This is cute" (issue #4: Baby ducks are cute. If you use it for anything else, it's an insult. When people call my apartment cute, I automatically assume their first instinct was to say "small"). Then she meets her squealy roommate Heidi. I'm tempted to make Heidi issues Nos. 5-through-mobius strip, but that wouldn't make for very interesting writing. Instead, I'll just announce my Give Heidi A Heinous Nickname contest because I can't come up with a fitting moniker that word-plays off her name that adequately expresses what a waste of the gift of life this girl is.

They go inside to see their first big-girl apartment (issue #5: see isues 3-4. I can't look at "normal" real estate any other way than through the dirty, dirty lense of NY, so seeing college dropouts in a duplex is not the way to my heart. I'm over it now) and do some squealing and bouncing. Then LC gets a call that her TeenVogue interview has been moved up to, like, 10 minutes ago and she's gotta bust ass over there. She gets dressed (issue #6: No, I have no problem with her using a hair flat iron to de-wrinkle her skirt while said skirt was on her. I did the same thing this morning, except I used an actual iron on a piece of clothing I was already wearing. No shame. I do, however, take umbrage at her interview outfit– really putting the Hills front and center, up close and personal there, if ya' know what I mean. and I think you do) and they take her in to meet the head editrix who asks "Why TeenVogue?" which should be vague enough even for LC to pull something out of her butt. Or, heaving cleavage. Instead, she says that she likes the mag because "in each one they have, like, an issue." In each what, LC? In each… issue? (issue #7). Editrix asks if she can write, and LC replies in the affirmative, because covering 4 pages of your British Lit notebook with "LC + Stephen 4EVA" totally counts as writing experience. Editrix follows up with "…Good?" (issue #8: Consolidated, this question becomes "Can you write good?" Can't be too hard to get a magazine job these days, LC, don't fret!)

Back at the pool, Heidi has made a skin cancer friend Audrina (issue #9: Your name is stupid. And, if you've been wooed by Heidi, you should be forced to wear protective gear everyday to keep from injuring yourself during routine daily occurences such as laundry or sleeping). Then we get a shot of Heidi and LC at "registration day" for their "college," FIDM. (issue #10: if you're registering today, why are you doing it in person? Do they not have computers at fashion school? And if they want to keep an eye on the little freshman to make sure they don't load up with 18 credits of the History of Polka Dots while ignoring totally Chiffon Through The Ages, why are you meeting with the admissions director? Is she trying to earn street cred with her 14 year old? Can't you just buy her some schmirnoff ice and accomplish the same goal?). LC breezes through her interview, wherein we learn that her 1 semester GPA at WhateverCollege of Being Close to Stephen San Francisco was a point higher than her graduating high school GPA… of 2.7. Smart cookie. Explains her fondness for those unfortunate denim capris, anyway. Heidi comes in to chat, announces that she didn't do any work or learn anything in high school and that her "ultimate goal is to be, like, the fun party PR girl in LA." (issue #11: Do you need to go to college for that? Or to "college," even?) I find myself expecting her to tack on "…and stuff" to every sentence she says. Her solo time on camera makes me want to drop some kind of nerve gas over the entire LA area that sterilizes on contact, just to make sure she never reproduces. Ever. (someone's in 24 withdrawl). (issue #12: Does Heidi's lower face/ voice combo remind anyone else of natalie portman? Is this the most disturbing thing ever? I can't think of two less-similar people. Like realizing that Tara Reid has shades of Nelson Mandela in her. Also, is Jake Gyllenhall really currently giving it to the NP? Can we get a confirmation on this?)

Editrix's lipliner has gone to her head, and she's hired LC. Wheeee! I'm sure it's all about her good writing skills and has nothing to do with opportunities for cross promotion. LC shows up for day one and is paired with InternWhitney, whom LC fully eye-stabs all the way down the long, hallowed halls of TeenVogue. I've never seen such a vicious once-over. Whitney is oblivious. Before the interns can be paraded in front of anyone important, their outfits have to be appraised (issue #13: this is done by some total kd lang fan. I would never let someone with high-waisted khakis and a buzz cut pick out my cropped jacket, but whatevs. LC had a C average in high school and Whitney looks totally coked out. Besides, LC has no standards– JWahl, what? Oh snap). They then get to work hand addressing envelopes for a totally rocking party (issue #14: two words for you ladies: mail merge. issue #15: they don't immediately photocopy the invite list with addresses for personal use. What if you want to stalk Tad Hamilton during your down time?). LC returns to pool-side with MelanoHeidi (no? not working?) who visibly pouts when LC gives her the No Way In Hell Will I Get You Into The Hollywood Party speech.

LC and intern Whitney work the young hollywood party (issue #16: the best the MTV cameras can do is a fleeting shot of paris hilton. How do we not have stock footage to beef this part up?). LC's job is to guard a VIP section, making sure no one (particularly not herself) sits down there while we wait for some unnamed celebrities to show up and chillax in section LC. (don't fret– this never happens. If a VIP section lays barren with no VIPs, was it ever really a VIP section at all?). Heidi and some trashy friends show up and make LC let them in (issue #17: she actually does it. And, I'm assuming, doesn't then go home to poison Heidi's sun-in. Issue #18: I'm sure the producers came up with this idea for heidi. There's no way she can string together two logical thoughts, and I'm still blaming MTV for a host of issues from Laguna, up to and including Stephen trying to have 2 dates for Valentine's). They commence doing everything wrong they can possibly do at LC's workplace: they drink, they have screaming matches, and THE SIT IN THE VIP SECTION. The editrix gets mad at LC, and she seems genuinely shocked that she's about to get in trouble for doing something that she was expressly told not to do in words of one syllable that a 3 year old could have understood.

Episode issue tally: 18. Season issue tally: 18. Oh, but we're just warming up….