1. Hex, BBC-America. Reason I watched it: a reviewer in the New York Times said it was better than Buffy. WHAT? I said, and immediately tifauxed it in indignation. Going into it with an attitude like that… not promising. Also not promising: stories that meander and go nowhere (except very obvious places), almost no evidence of witchery or anything supernatural despite everyone being mildly scared all the time, dull as dishwater (and twice as stupid) heroine — I could go on. To be fair, I'm going to watch one more episode. But I expect my initial resentment isn't going anywhere.

2. The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, the Disney Channel. Reason I watched it: I heard it was popular with children? Honestly, I have no idea. I blame High School Musical for lowering my standards. And I guess I'm fond of the concept of a bunch of kids living in a hotel (ask me about my crappy novel). Anyway, I had no idea it was a sitcom, so that was a disappointment right away. It's about twins. That live in a hotel. Because their mother — sings there? That part wasn't clear. The janitor (pardon me, hotel engineer) is in love with their mom and apparently faints all the time, and nobody talks about the fact that he seems mildly retarded. Sharpay works for the Michel-from-Gilmore-Girls rip-off. There's a bratty Asian girl. Everyone learns a lesson. The end. The sad thing is, in fifteen years, 25-year-olds will be posting the opening credits sequence from this show and dying of nostalgia.

[Side note: Spent a long time trying to discover why Dylan and Cole Sprouse are famous. The only thing I could figure is that they were the kid in Big Daddy. To which I say: Really? That's it? Wow. They're just handing out sitcoms to any kid off the street, aren't they?]

3. Cheaper by the Dozen, TBS. Yeah, I know this is a movie. But it's been playing nonstop. Reason I watched it: It was there. Reason I continued watching it even after the commercial break, and then tifauxed it so I could see the beginning: Tom Welling. I don't even watch Smallville, but maybe I should start…

So he's slightly more beefcake than I usually care for. He's still purrrty. 

Also racing through Firefly (love, love, love it), just finished the second disk of the first season of Lost (I suspected Sawyer was a TAAGH, now I know for sure), and am taking on Undeclared over the July 4th weekend. But I'm not watching those for bad reasons. They're just good.

Bringing TV shows back from the dead after people buy lots of their DVDs (or lots of people watch the series finale) is so hot right now.

And now, for part two in the series Nickelodeon: Opening Credits of My Youth.

Here's the companion to Hey Dude, with a similarly memorable theme song, Salute Your Shorts. I don't remember anything about this show except that Budnick was a real wiseass.

And of course the show that introduced me to pop culture, sarcasm, and a healthy distrust of authority: those spunky Canadians of You Can't Do That On Television. Looking at this title sequence now, I see all sorts of weird fascist (and Monty Python) allusions, as well as the fear on the adults' faces. No wonder my parents never wanted me to watch this show.

And holy shit oh my god you guys, this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen. Remember when we were kids and we weren't totally clear on the difference between puppets and people? No? Well this has never been more obvious to me than while watching the credits for Today's Special, which is much, much older than the polished, awesome Nick shows I've featured up until this point, and is extraordinarily odd.

Stay tuned for the final entry in this series, Animated Opening Credits of My Youth. Which means… "I'll get you next time, Gadget… next time…"

In an homage to Cristin's childhood game of naming movies that wouldn't have to change their names for the adult version, here are TV shows that could easily translate into the world of porn.

Bones

Everwood

The King of Queens (gay porn)

Girlfriends

The Unit

Twins

and

Everybody Loves Raymond

Yeah.  Not a lot happening today, so I thought I'd just alert youse guys to some interesting TV headlines.

1. Futurama is coming back.  It's the Simpsons-esque animated series about madcap hijinx in space.  The series is pulling a Family Guy-style comeback, albeit on basic cable.

2. Not that you gave a rat's ass, but Big Brother is letting viewers decide which houseguests get to come back for its All-Star edition.  I shamefully admit that I have been known to watch this show (don't worry, I won't be writing about it).  I guess I'm a sucker for anything that's unscripted and features some sort of cut-throat elimination format.  Shrug.  There are twenty people you can vote for, some are relatively likeable, some are completely odious, while others are not mentally fit for competition.

3. While Big Brother is one of the trashiest veteran reality shows, Celebrity Fit Club is in a class all its own just in terms of its taunting of the (lack of) careers of its participants.  Somehow, they've managed to round up a new batch of pudgy C and D-listers for the show's fourth (can you believe it?) season.  Who do they have this time?  Tina Yothers from Family Ties, Carnie Wilson from Wilson Phillips, a rapper named Bone Crusher, R&B singer Angie Stone and Ted Lange from The Love Boat.  God, I'm depressed.

Let me be upfront with you: I'm only posting about ABC's "How to Get The Guy" because, with 24 off the air and having only worked my way through half of season one of veronica mars, I am in danger of becoming a full time MTV whore between The Hills and Fresh Meat. Something's gotta give. And there is nothing you could take from me that I would not more willingly give than this show.

4 Single Ladies in San Francisco who have decided that THIS IS THE YEAR they find true love. Luckily, they each have convenient stereotypes for the purposes of keeping them straight: Everyone's Best Friend, Hobag, Militant and Closeted Lesbian, Hippie.

 Try to guess which is which.

Oh, but they're not just throwing them into the wild. No, no. They get love coaches! Thank christ! One of which is a Hal Sparks bootleg named JD.

 Never trust a grown man who still goes by initials.

Some of the techniques the love coaches come up with are "traditional" (online dating, speed dating) but some are just "utterly moronic" (have dinner with a blindfold on so you're not judging your date based on his looks!). Nearly all of them "make me want to kill myself and those around me."

I couldn't bring myself to do a full recap because I'm too busy bemoaning the demise of my gender, but there's a suitably snarky one here. Go with god.

This is a project I like to call Nickelodeon: Opening Credits of My Youth. Hope you enjoy.

First up, Hey Dude, featuring the future Mrs. Ben Stiller, Christine Taylor.

Next, we have Roundhouse, a little-known shown that was way ahead of its time: it was a musical. Bring Roundhouse back! The kids today would eat it up! Also, I have been unable to forget the words to this intro. It's catchy as hell. 

And finally, the classic, shades-of-Errol-Morris-and-Blossom credits sequence for Clarissa Explains it All. She really did explain it all, you know. 

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic lately. I wrote a post for 02138 about The Adventures of Pete and Pete, which I will link to when it's up. No alumni connection, but I did compare the show to Thomas Pynchon, so the pretentiousness quota is definitely met. 

I can't say I'm surprised by reports that Katie Lee Joel, host/dead weight of Bravo's Top Chef, has been dropped for the series' second season.  After all, on the few moments of every episode in which she appeared, she seemed completely confused and wooden.

Guess she's going to have some more time to look after husband/grandpa Billy Joel. 

Recap: 

Dan writes:

Episode 4 finds Wes continuing to be the douchiest douche that ever douched, Tina and Kenny in the hot seat (but not really) and everyone else excited that they don't have to make a decision for another week because Wes and Johanna are obviously going into exile.

The show starts off with a mini-profile of Tina and Kenny.  The verdict?  Tina's loud and Kenny's kind of a smug tool, but they seem to get along well enough — playfully pushing each other fully-clothed in the pool.  Oh youth! 

While the attention is nice, the only reason the editors have chosen to spotlight Tina and Kenny is to cast a little bit of doubt as to whether someone besides Wes will be immediately voted into exile.

The challenge this week, "Climber's Paradise," is basically a rock-climbing wall where the players have to create their own grips by matching shapes and inserting pegs into the wall.  It's not that exciting and half the teams don't even finish in time.  Tina and Kenny get DQed when she makes a swan dive after the second step.

So Coral and Evan eke out a victory over Shane/Linnette and Tonya/Johnny who tie for second.  At this point, Wes puts on his mastermind hat, desperately trying to convince Coral that Tina and Kenny deserve to go more than anyone.  She listens more politely than I imagined she would, but in the end the choice is obvious and Wes' reaction is even more obvious.

Now Wes has turned his attention to Johanna, trying to get her to rally for getting ouster of Tina/Kenny, in so doing, proves that he is not only an egomaniacal blowhard, but wildly abusive as well.  It gets ugly and Johanna throws a water bottle at him.  She's read same the tea leaves that everyone else has (except apparently, Wes) and at the deliberation, she's voted into exile wearing gigantic Nicole Ritchie sunglasses to conceal her weeping.

Cristin's two cents:

And we have the line of the season: Theo (on Wes): "I can't really understand him because I don't speak idiot." Oh Theo, you can be my last comic standing any day! I've never wished an STD on someone so hard as I have with Wes. He's a misogynistic asshole and shouldn't be allowed to touch Johanna, Peruvian whore that she might be. Also, I liked that MTV had to blur out Tonya's chest even while she was wearing a shirt. That girl is a heat seeking nipple when it comes to nudity. Girlfriend loves to take it off.

Dan's two cents:

Normally, I'd be endlessly frustrated by a reality character as arrogant as Wes.  However, it's made a lot easier for me based on the facts that he a) is the object of the entire cast's scorn b) consistently blows the challenges.  I've also found myself having a growing affection for Theo/Chanda, the lunk-headed southerner who fancies himself a comedian and the strong black woman.  I don't know, they're just cute.

The Scoreboard:

Teams:
Cristin's Blue Iguanas: Katie/Eric; Johanna/Jesse; Tonya/Johnnie; Theo/Chanda; Shane/Linette
Dan's Green Monkeys: Coral/Evan; Melinda/Ryan; Tina/Kenny; Darrell/Aviv; Derrick/Diem

Dan's old total: 11

Dan's new total: 18

Much like the Persnickety Hero-Genius, except with a far more complicated name, the Truth-Telling Anti-Hero Asshole with a Heart of Gold is one of my favorite subsets of television character. The TAAHG is that character you know you're supposed to hate. In fact, you probably did hate him, vehemently, the first dozen or so times you laid eyes on him. He's just so mean. And not just mean — he may actually have done bad things. Very bad things. Everyone else is pulling toward a common goal, but he's arrogantly standing in the opposite direction, making terrible choices, mocking our heroes, and lashing out at anyone who gets close.

But then, ever so slowly, you start to realize that all that bickering is actually kind of hot. There's something refreshing about all his brutal honesty; why won't anyone else tell it like it is? And maybe he lashes out not because he's inherently evil, but because he's sensitve. Suffering, in some way. He's too proud to admit it, but dammit, you know he just wants to be loved.

So you do. You fall in love with him. You're so predictable. 

Of course I'm primarily talking about Logan Echolls of Veronica Mars and Spike of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Don't they look like a couple of smug assholes? ….Exactly.

There are others, of course, but these two present the distilled, ideal version of the TAAHG. Let's break it down:

1. The "Badness." Logan organized bumfights, burned public pools, made racial slurs, slept with people he shouldn't, and was generally, as Veronica introduced him, a "psychotic jackass." Spike murdered, raped, and pillaged his way across the world for over a hundred years.
2. The Suffering. Logan's girlfriend got murdered, and he has a lot of other personal family issues that I won't repeat right now because Cristin borrowed my DVDs and isn't done yet. Suffice to say, his life kind of sucks. Spike's chip in the brain didn't cause much actual suffering, but falling in love with Buffy and then regaining his soul certainly did.
3. The Irresistable Appeal of Truth. They may be mean, but what they're saying wouldn't be nearly as cutting if it weren't essentially true.
4. The Doomed Love. It may keep them from being bad for a while, but it's too dark and dangerous to maintain.
5. Not So Much Thinkers, These Guys. They tend to act from their hearts rather than heads, and they're not exactly known for their deep philosophizing. Understanding emotions come naturally to them — understanding other things is more of a challenge.
6. The Redemption. Thanks to the Doomed Love and all the constant Suffering, the Anti-Hero eventually gets his chance to become Hero, generally by saving people's lives (Buffy, Veronica, the whole world, etc). Usually, he overcomes his inner demons and does the right thing. But will it stick?

Of course, now I'm constantly on the lookout for these guys in every show, so I tend to skip the original hating-him stage. I started Lost (being only five episodes into the first season, I am still new to this whole thing, so forgive me if I'm wrong) and immediately saw Sawyer and thought "This guy's a TAAGH. I love TAAGHs!" and now I giggle helplessly at every asshole thing he says as opposed to maintaining some sort of critical distance until I figured out who he actually was.

Any other good Truth-Telling Anti-Hero Assholes with a Hearts of Golds out there? Alex Karev of Grey's Anatomy? Mr. Darcy from Pride and Prejudice? Once you start noticing them, they're everywhere.