This is the first of a whenever-we-feel-like-it series of taking on classic TV series and calling them out as crap. For every entry, another TiFauxer will provide a rebuttal in the series' defense.  We should also note that we stole this concept from The Onion.

Of all of television's sacred cows, there's none that I'd rather slaughter, grind, add cilantro/worcestershire sauce/finely chopped onion to, grill and devour than Seinfeld. 

That is, I hate that God damned show.

While I can probably expound upon a list of reasons to hate Seinfeld, most of them are based in this one sentiment: the characters are so unlikable and annoying that it sours any sort of comic nuggets the show contains.

I'm not saying all comedies must have likable characters.  Obviously, Dwight from The Office is a gas and a half even though no one would really say he's likable, per se. But, then again, Dwight isn't the heart of The Office — Jim and Pam are.  Even Michael, with his desperate clawing for affection and admiration, is sympathetic much of the time.

Now, given that Seinfeld is one of the Jewiest shows to ever hit it big, I feel like I can throw in some Yiddish here.  This whole series is full of mishigas ('craziness' for the goyim).  Everyone's just so nutty and neurotic, so full of irrationality, that I find it hard to get invested in any of the characters.  Whether it's Jerry's something's-always-going-wrong mentality, George's shrill complaining, Elaine's self-involvement or Kramer's collection of tics and mischief, I just want to throw my hands in the air and say "feh" at all of their antics. 

I find Kramer and George to be the worst characters, with Kramer having a wacky, rubber chicken approach to comedy and George just being endlessly grating.

Furthermore, I feel like there's an underlying meanspiritedness to the show.  It's not overwhelming, in fact, it's pretty subtle.  It's probably more apparent in Curb Your Enthusiasm, Seinfeld mastermind (and basis for George) Larry David's current HBO series.  David is a curmudgeon and while (I guess) that can be played up for comedic effect in instances where he's a fish out of water, most of the time I just find it wearying.  Seinfeld's meanspiritedness is most evident in parts like the characters' interactions with annoying neighbor Newman and the death of George's fiance Susan. 

Funny material can come from a lot of places: exaggerated characters, outlandish situations and calling out bullshit/hypocrisy.  To me, being mean is the opposite of funny (Carlos Mencia, I'm looking at you), and the Larry David-inspired curmudgeonry (new word - I just made it up) never makes me laugh. 

I have one final point, but it's one that I can't really fault the show for.  But it adds to my general hatred of the show nonetheless: Seinfeld is one of those shows where people tend to repeat the jokes/plots of episodes and try to recapture the comedic essence.  Never works.  Whether it's saying in some sort of garbled, almost racist accent "No soup for you!" or doing the Elaine dance, it's the kind of thing that your pit-stained, cream polo shirt-wearing, fifty-something co-worker in accounts payable will try to "have a moment" with you about.  And it's always awkward and you try to force a smile before getting off the elevator.

By the way, when I say "you," I probably just mean "me."  And again, this isn't the show's fault, but it just adds fuel to the fire.

Kyle Responds:

I feel an obligation to warn you about something that's out there. It's called Nobody's Watching. And you shouldn't watch it. I've carved out a niche here on Tifaux for posting about online video, which is a medium I really want to succeed, but it's still lacking a bit in the quality department. I still haven't found much video on YouTube that approaches good production values and wasn't stolen. But I'm still looking. Trust me, you'll know when I find it.

So along comes this TV pilot. The New York Times wrote about it recently, but not so recently that you can read the article for free. I forgot about it until Maggie reminded me today. So I watched it. Because I'll watch shit on the Internet that I wouldn't watch on TV. And vice-versa. Depending on the situation. I wouldn't watch some of my own movies if I came across them onllne. It's just a different level of attention. In one way I have a much higher tolerance for Internet videos because my standards have been systematically lowered. But I'm also constantly aware of the infinite number of monkeys currently uploading new videos, and any one of them could be the Internet video equivalent of Hamlet which makes me a little anxious to try something else.

I watched the first two minutes of Nobody's Watching for my own curiosity. But I watched the rest for you people. The show was produced for the WB. It wasn't picked up. It's about two buffoons who love TV. The WB offers them the chance to make a sitcom. They get to live on a sound stage, everything is recorded, and they have their own studio audience, which the two gentlemen immediately pander to shamelessly. They impulsively hire two girls to work on the show. One is a blond, sensitive babe with huge breasts, and the other a tough, friendless executive assistant with small breasts. If there was any irony to the introduction of these walking cliches it went right over my head.

The actresses do fine in their empty roles, but what is it with young male comedians? Why do they overact so badly? I see a lot of Jim Carrey in their performances, but Jim Carrey was never this bad. They're the guys who wouldn't stop quoting Ace Ventura in high school and never really broke the habit when they started acting. Dudes: the microphone is really close to you. We can hear you just fine.

Why is everyone excited about this useless show? Well, somebody put it on YouTube. And 360,000 people have watched the first part since it was posted a month ago. And some network executives heard about this and thought they could save their job for another week if they took some meetings about it. But you know what? Only 120,000 watched the second part. That's a big drop off. If this was actually on TV they might say it had bad retention. And you know what happens when 120,000 people watch a TV show? It gets cancelled. And to put this in a more appropriate context, let me show you a video that's been watched by 146,000 people IN THE PAST DAY. It's much funnier. And the New York Times didn't even write an article about it. Think about that.

Recap 

Cristin writes: 

Going into this episode, both Tonya & Johnnie and Wes & Casey were facing exile. Tonya viciously spits out "my goal is TINA" early on this week, and MTV treats us to some flashbacks to Battle of the Sexes II where Tina yelled at Tonya, who looked much better with longer hair. Linette is sporting a puppy dog crush on Theo — big whoop, so am I — and manages to use every relationship cliche available when describing their situation. She's "getting over a long relationship," "seeing where it goes," and "wants him to respect {her}" as they "take it step by step." The Fresh Meat boys laugh at her, deservedly.

This challenge is called The Incredible Deflating Kayak and involves inflating a kayak, paddling, and deflating it. I get the distinct feeling that Viacomm was letting the interns run the show when this one was planned because it's neither exciting nor difficult. The highlight for me was when Derrik outlined his team gameplan: "Me and D's (sic) strategy is full out intensity. Go, go, go, go." Oh, alright. That clears up a lot. Wes gets DQ'd by putting his foot in the water, which doesn't much matter because Shane and Linette take it home, winning trips for 2 to costa rica and giving Theo another reason to give all of his "respect" to Linette.

Heading into exile, we have a full 13 minutes of the episode left, which makes me foolishly excited and hopeful that something awesome will happen. Nope. Tonya and Johnnie have to carry more than twice the weight that wes and casey do, and also botch both checkpoint challenges. Wes and Casey win easily, prompting an awesome booty dance by Casey who, admittably, really brought the pain this time around. "I have to baby her, and pretend I'm a nice guy," Wes tells us in confidence. Oh, Johanna, you are a lucky girl! For his parting words, Johnnie goes with "The only think I would have done differently would be to switch partners." Another chapter in the gigantic book of Duh.

Cristin's two cents

This seemed like a relatively drama-free episode. I loves me some Theo and I'm glad he's scoring some 18 year old ass, but he's making Linette look like an idiot, which I'm kind of okay with since she wears mascara to the challenges.

Dan's two cents

I'm really beginning to get sick of the whole format of the Exile.  Number one, because it's boring.  Pretty much just a foot race with heavy backpacks with one of those little Mensa brain teasers thrown in for good measure.  Number two, because it's not fair.  Why should it matter how much crap somebody puts in their bag?  I'm sure Tonya's straightjackets weighed a ton, and it's not like she can go without them. 

The Scoreboard:

Teams:
Cristin's Blue Iguanas: Katie/Eric; Johanna/Jesse; Tonya/Johnnie; Theo/Chanda; Shane/Linette
Dan's Green Monkeys: Coral/Evan; Melinda/Ryan; Tina/Kenny; Darrell/Aviv; Derrick/Diem

Dan's old total:31

Dan's new total: 31

I watched a new show this weekend: USA Network's Pysch, the latest in their roster of Persnickety Hero-Geniuses and the current "character" to be "welcomed." Get it? Characters welcome? … Nevermind.

It's trying for the sweetness/silliness combination of Monk, which is a worthy goal. And there were some genuinely funny moments. But I worry about the lead character. I like eccentric geniuses just as much as the next girl, but he doesn't seem to be tortured enough about his skills, his life, the crimes, etc. So he doesn't get along with his father. It's not like his father was a monster who locked him in his room until he could solve crimes by sense of smell. The dad just seems to be a regular guy trying to give a hyperactive kid some focus. What's the big deal?

Maybe we'll meet his mom and realize there's some totally weird Oedipus shit going down. That might add some complexity/awkwardness to his general glib know-it-all-ness. Or he starts being mean to everyone around him rather than (literally) charming the pants off them, and they take their pants off anyway. That's the type of perverse, conflicted character I like to see on my basic cable original programming.

I have a flow chart to back this up:

Charming behavior - - -> everyone is charmed: dull (this show, Clark Kent, Riley Finn)
Obnoxious behavior - - -> everyone is annoyed: predictable (terrorists in 24, Marisa Cooper)
Charming behavior - - -> everyone is skeezed out: getting there (Sam Malone, Logan Huntzberger)
Obnoxious behavior - - -> everyone is in love despite themselves: awesome (all my favorite shows)

I know some of those examples don't work. This flow chart is still in its development stage.