The Hills: She’s Got Issues, episode 7
Posted by Cristin
July 24th, 2006 at 11:32am
In The Hills
Previously: Yeah, it was so long ago, I don't really remember it, either. But I bet it was all kinds of awesome.
We open on another shopping montage– could it be more golf clubs? another asymmetrical bathing suit/ straight jacket for heidi? Ah, no, it looks as though Jason is about to be the proud recipient of some custom made dog tags, courtesy of one LC. Dog tags. DOG tags. No obvious jokes here. No sir.
The MTV think tank is back from that two week "sabbatical" to Juno Springs and has titled this episode "Somebody always has to cry." Please let it be heidi. Please let it be heidi.
The kids go shopping for a christmas tree then do a couples- only tree decorating session. (Sorry, audrina. Maybe if you could have Taken It To The Next Level we might have invited you). (issue #79: I don't mean to be a crazy stalker here– okay, yeah I do– but jason's birthday is January 11th. So why did it happen before New Years? Is this like Fraggle Rock, where you get to pick what day your birthday is every year?) "My mom never lets us decorate our tree," LC comments. (issue #80: Okay, LC Sr, what are you, a communist? Would that be the same woman who had palm trees air lifted into your backyard on the series premiere episode of Laguna? Shocking. No christmas tree ornaments for you! and NO WIRE HANGARS… EVER). Heidi makes the episode-title comment, and, when questioned, further elaborates "I always cry at our christmas! I never get the present I want, Holly gets all the attention…" (Issue #81: wait, your sister HOLLY gets the attention at christmas? Do you also get upset when your brother valentino gets a little extra rah-rah around mid-February?).
Heidi, LC, and LC's headband go to lunch. LC name drops some purse she wants, and Heidi is all but holding a tape recorder up in order to report back to Jason to get it for her. Discreet. Really. I cannot wait for the day Jason askes Heidi to design LC's engagement ring. LC asks Heidi what she wants and she responds "A poopy." This makes sense. It's probably hard to create a bowel movement when you don't actually eat solid food. Lc pushes further and Heidi stops gnawing on her own tongue long enough to enunciate "a puppy." Oooh, gotcha. (Issue #82: Also, what a great idea. Let's put the responsibility for one of God's creatures in Heidi's hands. Maybe we should start you small– maybe a grow-a-frog this year, or one of those tamagachis we all had in 8th grade. Actually, how about we just buy you a copy of The Sims and you can see how long you can keep a virtual human alive, okay?)
At "The Grove" in LA, Heidi wears tassled ugg-ish boots and tries to slow dance with her cammo-clad boyfriend in front of a fountain. (issue #83: Cammo, Bfb? Really? What front lines are you on?) There's much cuddling and exclaiming over fake snow. I wish audrina were here. If only she'd achieved next level-dom with OtherBrad. Sigh. It's going to be a long, cold winter.
Back at the ranch, it's present opening time. Jason unveils his dog tags and LC chirps "I designed them!" (issue #84: Best 19k you've ever spent, eh, Mr Conrad?). Heidi gets BfB something thugged out as well, and LC and Jason declare that they'll be getting BfB a tattoo for christmas. (Issue #85: Why is it that the richest kids always have to act like they're prison inmates?) LC gets the aforementioned bag, and Heidi gets what appears to be a stuffed taco bell dog. She can barely conceal her disappointment. Then BfB produces a box with air holes that contains Heidi's Poopy and she's so stunned and happy and almost human that I almost like her. Again. Damn you, MTV.
LC and Heidi exclaim over their new years plans to take a limo to Lobby. There's some Jason texting drama that alludes to a phone call LC got from a former mini-fling, David, which apparently pissed Jason off. (Issue #86: so, you're fine with her not showering for 7 straight weeks, but THIS makes you mad?).
Jason and BfB primp and dress each other for new year's (I'm assuming the brokeback scenes were edited out here) and BfB promptly falls down the stairs on the way to the limo. Not gonna lie, it's pretty much the greatest thing that's happened on this show since Audrina's date proclaimed "this salad is like a party!" I wish those two had taken it to the next level.
LC says she's never had a real new year's kiss, and the Foreshadowing Dept over at Viacomm wets itself. While at Lobby, Jason starts spouting off lines that are either edited really, really poorly, or completely fueled by the devil's dandruff. "I want to talk about a friendly relationship. Just being close friends. You'll find out what that means," he taunts LC in an evil way as she, understandably confused (both as to why she's dating such a piece of shit and why he thought that top hat went well with his diamond earrings), responds "I just want to have a good New Years." Shades of "I don't want to fight with you on your birthday." (Issue #87: Or is THIS foreshadowing, since his birthday hasnt actually happened yet? and my head just exploded).
Jason continues his tirade of needless hatred, including such stunners as "how about you just listen and never talk again," "everyone says you were wrong," and "I want you stop apologizing– you keep making the same mistakes over and over again." (issue #88: taking him back, clearly, topping the list here. Also, if I were LC, I would have lasted all of .3 seconds before bringing up that jason cheated on her with Jessica and her gigantic boobs of doom last year). I would be really confused and upset on LC's behalf in this scene if I weren't distracted by (a) the fact that she calls jason "Woobie" somewhere in the middle of it and (b) Destiny's Child "Loose My Breath" is playing in the background. Rock on, 2005!
LC wisely takes off, trailed by Heidi, who is instructed to stay but comes anyway. Good job, heidi! Friend points! "I don't have good new yearses," LC says. "No one ever does," replies heidi, and I kind of agree… with Heidi. Wait, what?
Back at Hell's Lobby, Jason realizes that he's officially the Biggest Douche On The Planet and seeks bad advice from BfB, who has it at the ready. Jason buys some flowers and spurs the limo driver towards his beloved, who is currently in a cab saying "it's not okay that jason does this" (first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem) and threatening to kiss Heidi at midnight, most likely to the tune of thousands of middle school boys unzipping their pants and reaching for the baby oil. "I didn't like my hair anyway," heidi says as they arrive home and, somehow, it's the exact right comment for this moment. (issue #89: What is going ON with me and heidi tonight? Suddenly she can do no wrong. Is Heidi the new Kristin? Jesus. Someone needs a drink).
Jason manages to coax LC into a romantic parking garage where, at midnight (or so MTV tells us, but it could be 4pm on May 27th for all I trust these tv bastards), he stumbles out of the car holding a cigarette and shoves his tongue down LC's throat. Happy new year, indeed.
I felt really, really bad for LC in this epsidoe — Jason is such an asshat. And, yeah, Heidi really stepped up to the plate and I kind of liked her too and then immediately had a beer to wash away that feeling.
Mmm, beer.
does anyone know what breed of dog that heidi got for xmas. i really want to know
I NEED HEIDIS DRESS!!! IT IS THE CUTEST THING IN THE UNIVERSE! EVEN A PICTURE! PLEASE!
Yea..I deff. don*t like Heidi..