Project Asshole

Posted by Kyle August 8th, 2006 at 01:57pm In Project Runway Reality

Something big happened on Project Runway last week. What could it be??????

The show starts off with a model switch-off. In a surprising turn of events, several designers straight-up switch their models without so much as an explanation. This is how it should be. Switch models as often as possible. Don't allow the possibility that your model is somehow negatively influencing the judges. Believe me, they can handle rejection.

This week's challenge is to design an outfit for INC, a Macy's brand. Do they still have Macy's stores outside of 34th St? Do people buy clothes there? I know they have a big parade every year. Apparently Angela is excited about the opportunity. But maybe it's because she desperately needs to prove she's not completely worthless. She still has trouble with the whole "sketching" thing. "I don't really sketch as part of my process…" That's great, but as you learned with Miss USA, you can't talk your way into being team leader. Luckily for Angela—as she mentions repeatedly over the next hour—she was inspired by the sun over The Empire State Building. And apparently that inspiration and the very real possibility that she'll be kicked off the show motivated her to put a pencil on paper and move it around a little. Was that so hard Angela?

Robert, Bonnie, and Keith are named team leaders. No surprise. They had good plans. And in a shocking twist dramatically acted by Mehmet Tangoren, Macy's VP of Sportswear and Microwave Oven Programming, Angela is the final team leader! Gasp!

Pause for a Saturn commercial featuring Tim Gunn visiting the cloisters—one of New York Magazine's top NYC makeout spots—and some foreshadowing that after the break we'll learn that somebody did something wrong. Who could it be?????

Nobody wants to be on Angela's team. Michael and Laura take the bullet. Bradley is picked last, for good reason. He's a "fish out of water. A squid with no ocean," but I hope he sticks around because he says the darndest things.

Keith gives all the hard work to his teammates. Complain while you can kids, it's not getting any easier.

Angela and Michael get all huggy at the fabric store. It looks just like the Empire State Building! Say Empire State Building one more goddamn time, Angela. I dare you. Meanwhile, Keith asks for a deal on thread because they overspent on fabric. Ominous music plays. Could Threadgate be the scandal that rocks Project Runway?????

Keith, the self-proclaimed awesome designer, turns out to be pretty useless making the design he's come up with. I hope he turns things around. That kid's got a bright future. But what's this? Kayne saw something verboten in Keith's room. A pattern-making book!!! That's against the rules. Tim Gunn explains that they have rules on Project Runway and they must be followed. In a hastily-recorded voiceover, he further explains that Keith left the set and used the Internet. Keith is summarily dismissed!!!! Scandal! Scandal! Scandal! Keith decides to take it like an asshole and calls himself a scapegoat. Really Keith? Maybe you're just a dumbass. He claims he didn't use the pattern books to give himself an unfair advantage. Does that mean he used them but it didn't give him an unfair advantage? Does it depend on your definition of "unfair" or "advantage" or "used?"

All this talk of rules and disqualification reminds Vincent that this is a contest, which apparently isn't the first thing on his mind. What's the first thing on his mind? Dog hats. Alison gets all weepy. The only person besides Keith who's disappointed.

Michael and Laura bond over their hatred of Angela's "grandma things," the ridiculous rosettes that she likes so damn much. And in a stroke of genius Laura creates a compromise and actually integrates them into a good design. Nice work Laura.

Bradley makes an ugly pair of pants. Team Keith does just fine without their fearless leader. Team Robert makes a skirt with a skanky slit in the back and a flight attendant collar in the front.

On the runway, Heidi proves once again that she is the most adorable person ever. Team Keith's design is hip and polished. Team Angela's is exceptionally well sewn and fitted. They're the top two teams, but we won't find out who wins until later when the design is placed in a window display at Macy's, in a transparent ploy to prove that Macy's does in fact still exist. Mehmet seems to like the rosettes. And Angela, what was it that inspired your color selection? Which building? I can't remember?

Nobody likes Bonnie's design. Especially the pants. Bradley!!! Robert's design has a weird loose, bunched jacket that doesn't make any sense. Vincent predictably sells out Robert. He was just following orders.

In the discussion Mehmet pulls out a real zinger, calling Bonnie's design "triple LY. Last Year. Last Year. Last Year." Mehmet's not used to being on television.

Bonnie is out. A good choice. Her design was definitely the ugliest of the bunch. And Bradley can't take the blame for the ugly pants. It was just bad execution all around.

The next day Angela's outfit appears in the Macy's store window. A classic reality TV redemption. Nice work Angela.

Next week: Angela ruins it for everyone, and The Return of Michael Kors!