Inspired by the Michael Richards fiasco.

As a cheerful counterpoint to last week's venting, and in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday, I'd like to share with you those characters I'm feeling most kindly towards this week. I tried to stick to the same shows I yelled at last week, but that was too hard (see: Grey's Anatomy); other love-fest suggestions are welcome, of course.

Toby (The Office)

I've always appreciated Toby's quiet attempts at reigning in Michael's antics. He doesn't care enough to follow through with his reprimands, but Michael still has insane reactions to everything his says, which leads to Toby's sad deadpan reaction to Michael's insanity. But he truly earned my love a couple weeks ago when he got it into his head to ask Pam out, and then couldn't. He's like Milhouse's dad, except likeable. 

Marc (Ugly Betty)

Inversely proportionate to my hatred of Walter is my love of Marc. He's less nasty than Amanda, he's very good at his job, and he's hilarious. If I were powerful enough to earn an assistant, I would want Marc. As it is, I just want to hang out with him.

Kenneth the Page (30 Rock)

He hasn't shown up since his show-stopping poker match with Alec Baldwin, but just that scene is enough to make him one of my favorite characters for the rest of the year. 

Zack (Heroes) 

Zack probably deserves a post of his own for his breakout episode of Heroes last night. But how "out" was it? That scene in Claire's bedroom was written to be incredibly vague; I think he was telling her he's gay, but he never says it, and all of his remarks could be interpreted either way. But that's not only why he's on this list–it's mostly the classic Nerds Triumph Over Popular Kids to Elect Genuinely Cool Homecoming Queen scenario that made me love him.

Jack (Studio 60)/Jack (30 Rock)

Of the two network execs named Jack on shows about the behind-the-scenes workings of live comedy shows, it's hard to pick a favorite. Alec Baldwin is funnier than any human has a right to be (see epic poker match, above). Stephen Weber is more charming and sympathetic than he has any right to be, as a man whose career highlights consist solely of "Wings" and the TV version of the Shining, on the show where he's primarily cast as a money-loving talent-hating villain. Bravo, Jacks of fake network TV.

Gaius Baltar (Battlestar Galactica)

It's a strong character that can remain believable and–shockingly, considering everything's he's done–sympathetic while being tortured and having orgies on a sentient robot base ship. There has never not been a week, even when he's literally dooming mankind, that I have not loved Gaius Baltar. 

Alert TiFaux reader Katie pointed out that Pahrump is, actually, a city, and that it does, actually, kind of suck. So… yay Studio 60? You show those jerkoffs? I don't even know anymore.

This show messes with your head. Are you a liberal? Really? Do you even like TV? Are you sure? It asks these questions in a haughty tone while rapidly walking down a hallway. Then it does a pratfall and you laugh, but you feel weird about it.

Tonight: Apparently Ricky and Ron want off. I just want to see more Jack.

Sounds like The O.C. is in its death throes. 

First, they get rid of Mischa Barton and her jutting hip bones.  Now, I hear that the guy from UVA is fighting in a cage.  Seems like there's some repeated shark-jumping going on (or has it always been this ridiculous?). 

The OC: Everyone seems to like curly-haired one, but I prefer UVA boy.

I guess it's dumb of me to mourn a show that I never watched to begin with, but I do appreciate the lovely things they've done with music.

In fact, the newest OC Mix has an interesting twist.  It's all indie bands doing indie covers.  Take a listen here.

One of my personal favorites, Mates of State, is doing the "California" song.  Modest Mouse's "Float On" is being covered by some band I've never heard of.  Rogue Wave is covering "Debaser" by The Pixies!

Hannukkah starts at sundown on December 15 this year (I just looked it up on the Internet), and to prevent you from scrambling in an effort to buy a gift for your favorite Jew, I've come up with a lovely list of television-related items available for purchase.

That is, of course, after you bought your TiFaux shirt.  Right?  Anyone?  Anyone? 

Lost

The Lost store has all sorts of shit, including action figures (Locke, Jack, Kate, Hurley and a presumably bullethole-free Shannon), t-shirts, trading cards and DVDs, but I think the best option is the Dharma Initiative notebooks ($16).  Use it to obsessively list numbers, write in Korean, or write your own fanfic sequel to Bad Twin.

For all you heterosexual Losties, though, maybe you'll want either the mens' "Get Lost with Kate" shirt or the ladies' "Get Lost with Sawyer" shirt.  They'll each set you back $25.

On the flip side, there's also an "Everything Happens For a Reason" shirt with a Lost logo on the back.  This phrase happens to be my least favorite phrase in the English language.  For real.  I'd seriously rather just have a shirt that said "Pagan."

The Office

Over at NBC, merchandise for The Office is decidedly Dwight-centric. There's the frightening "Information is Power" t-shirt that is bound to make your loved one ask "Where the hell am I going to wear this?" 

If you want frivolous novelties, then maybe the Dwight bobblehead?  Good for four to six minutes of solid fun!  Fifteen smackers.

There are also Dunder Mifflin tees ($22) and The Office ornaments ($10) that would look handsome on any Hannukah bush.

Etc. Etc. 

• Nothing says "I'm conflicted about it too" more than a brand new Studio 60 t-shirt!
• Everyone's favorite gay Greek (besides David Sedaris), Project Runway Season 2's Nick Verreos, designed a cute apron for Top Chef.
• Know someone who still watches Queer Eye?  Well there's nothing gayer than a 2(x)ist pair of boxer briefs, let me tell you, and the Queer Eye store is hocking them.

John, hi. Long time listener, first time writer. Right off the bat, let me say I celebrate your entire catalogue. Granted, I was forced to when my college boyfriend did the whole "hey I got you tickets to a concert that I really want to see for your birthday!" thing to celebrate my graceful entry to my twenties, but that is neither here nor there. I accept your ridiculous name changing and your acquiring and dismissing of jungle cat monikers, and that you are Indiana's answer to Bon Jovi. What I do not accept, however, is your new Chevy commercial.

 Take that pirate shirt off right now, John. That, you have to earn.

You know the one I speak of, right? You're singing that little tune "Our Country" and when you do the line "from the east coast/ to the west coast" you do a series of hand motions that exactly replicate the ones my 3rd grade class did when we hit the "from california/ to the new york island" line in "This Land Is Your Land." Did you get to see the final cut of this before they put it on the air? I'm guessing that Chevy would send a copy of it over as a courtesy, but just in case it got lost among the mounds of denim shirts and cowboy hats at your casa, I transcribed the scenes for you.

People waving hats –> cars driving –> an auto factory–> vinyl records –> beach party –> hula-hooping –> You, John, tastefully shot playing the acoustic guitar –> Rosa Parks –> babies on the beach –> suburban bike riding –> Muhammad Ali –> Vietnam –> hippies –> march on washington –> Martin Luther Kind Jr –> More hippies –> Nixon –> a cowboy –> Chevy logo –> you playing more guitar –> a forest fire –> Nascar    –> a hurricane blowing the roof of a house off –> New Orleans post-Katrina –> houses for poor people –>   a caravan of Chevy trucks –> a house raising –> pillars of light from Ground Zero –> Red Rock –> firemen   –> cowboys –> babies –> wheat –> Chevy logo –> cowboy

Quite the little lineup of images they have playing over your song there, John. I don't recall Bob Seger agreeing to any of this emotionally manipulative shit when Chevy was still using "Like a Rock." How did this happen? Were you the third choice after the theme song from "Team America: World Police" and that Toby Keith "We'll put a boot in your ass/ it's the american way" song? Even though I was born in a Small Town filled with Little Pink Houses where Jack & Diane live, I still know how to R.O.C.K in the USA, John, and this commercial does NOT make me want to do so. It doesn't even Hurt So Good, friend, it just Hurts.

Maybe next time you could make sure the contract guarantees your songs to be used along with photos of kids with cancer, abused puppies, and the coffins of soldiers being returned from Iraq coupled with shots of amber waves of grain, baseball, and republicans soliciting twelve year olds on the internet, because I think that would really drive home Chevy's point about what it means to be American. Thanks for listening, John.

Love,

CRISTIN.  

Coffee in the afternoon makes my eye twitch.

• Seriously, how fucked up is this?  So, remember when O.J. Simpson killed all those people when we were in high school?  Well, the FOX network is going to air a hypothetical interview with O.J. saying that if he had, in fact, killed his ex-wife and her friend, how exactly he would have done it. The two-part interview will be done by book publisher Judith Regan and will be called O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened.  It'll will air Nov. 27 and Nov. 29.  I swear to God I'm not making this up.
• In hot, hot Survivor news, rumor has it that smokin' hot contestants J.P. and Brad are an item.  Brad clumsily danced around the issue in an interview with After Elton.  The big news out of this is that it wasn't clear that J.P. was even gay beforehand.  In fact, it was insinuated that he had a flirtation with Cecilia early in the season.
• After Elton has a sister site called After Ellen.  No joke.  And they are very happy about Tina Fey and her lesbionic friend's portrayal on 30 Rock.  
• Also, skinny, scraggly Survivor castaway Ozzy was apparently in a porn.  Seems very unappealing. 
• Mitch Hurwitz, the guy who did Arrested Development, is adapting a BBC series called The Thick of It for American TV.  The British show deals with a minister in Parliament and his wacky staff.  The American version will center around a member of Congress.  Hopefully this means they'll do exterior shots of the Capitol and I can walk around on my lunch break to try to get in them.  Sounds like a plan to me! 
• Meredith Grey got her skinny ass engaged. 
• Dancing With the Stars ends tonight.  Hopefully Dimples Adulterystein won't win.

A while back, the Onion AV Club came up with a list of loathed TV characters. I think it's time for an update, because I am full of rage right now at several people.

Walter, Betty's Boyfriend (Ugly Betty)

I know I said I was going to stop watching this show, but you know what? I lied. I still watch it. Every week. It's fun. But you know what's not fun, at all? WALTER. Walter is the opposite of fun. He's whiny, controlling, needy, pushy, a cheater, and not too bright. I HATE Walter. I have not hated a character this much since they introduced Ana Lucia. If they don't break up in the next four episodes, I may have to stop watching this show. And I'm serious this time. 

Logan Huntzberger, Rory's Boyfriend (Gilmore Girls)

Most of the rage on the internet is directed at Christopher, Rory's formerly absent but now all-too-present dad, but I think this is just distracting from the more important issue: Logan's complete and utter awfulness, and how he's slowly transferring his awfulness to Rory. Sure, he's out of the country, but his privileged, smug, jocular, manipulating, fundamentally unsympathetic influence can be felt all across the state of Connecticutt.

Danny Tripp/Matt Albie (Studio 60)

Sometimes it's Danny. Sometimes it's Matt. Sometimes it's neither, and I'm happy. But fairly frequently, I want to say: Stop arguing my side of the debate because you're getting it all wrong. Or, you're making good points, but you're leaving logic holes the size of Nevada (that quaint and sort-of-hick-ish state) all over the place. Or, why aren't you spending more time making your show funny instead of sermonizing? Or, JUST STOP. STOP TALKING.

Preston Burke (Grey's Anatomy)

This was a tough one. How to choose? They're all so uniquely horrible, all despicable and blind in their own special ways — what makes poor Preston worse than the rest? I think, in the end, it's that he's risking all these people's lives, just for the sake of his ego. Sure, he doesn't talk about it as much, and he's not as whiny and predictable and sentimental as the rest, but that's pretty bad.

Mohinder Suresh (Heroes)

It's not so much that I hate Mohinder, though I do, it's that I hate his whole storyline. It could not possibly be any more boring than it is. And the voice-overs? I zone out and look at the pretty pictures. It's not his character's fault, but I blame him anyway. 

This post includes widely-known spoilers for the next couple of Gilmore Girls episodes, but is primarily composed of rampant speculation.

Gilmore Girls is in trouble. Everyone who writes about the show tends to agree — this Lorelai and Christopher thing is boxing them into a corner that they're going to have a really, really hard time getting out of it.

What's really scary is that Chris and Lorelai are eloping. That's right, eloping. This means they'll be married. Annoying! How on earth is Lorelai going to get rid of him once she's bound to him til death?

That's where I got my theory: The show's going to kill Christopher. Suddenly, in an accident. His death will have the following effects:

• Lorelai and Rory will be very sad.
• They will also be independently wealthy.
• Lorelai will start to be friends with Luke again. Friends only, like at the beginning of the series.
• Hopefully, Logan's reaction to Rory's grief will be so terrible that she will be forced to dump him. Or, she dumps him because he reminds her too much of her dad. Or, he just leaves. Leave, Logan! You're not wanted, either!

I can't say it's a good idea, but I also can't think of any other options. It's a little too late in their relationship to discover they actually can't stand each other.

Thoughts?

Whenever I find myself remembering way too much about television shows, it makes me feel bad about myself.  I'll be able to recite entire episodes of Roseanne or Will and Grace, but my knowledge of American history is very "Lincoln freed the slaves!  George Washington chopped down the cherry tree!"

On that note, I've been thinking a lot lately about the Super Friends.

I don't remember a lot about it (it went off the air when I was six), but I remember being obsessed with it.  The premise, if you recall, was that it was basically a more kidsy version of the Justice League — the crime-fighting conglomerate of Superman, Batman, Robin, Wonder Woman, Aquaman and others.  They fought the Legion of Doom, which was a team of all the heroes' worst enemies.

They must have gone all out with the merchandising, because all of my memories of the show have to do with toys.  I had a Hawkman action figure where if you squeezed his legs, his wings flapped.  And I remember being upset about not getting some Super Friends-related crap and throwing a fit in the toy store.

Since I don't really have that much to say about this show other than "Remember the Superfriends?", here's a quick game.  On the list of names below which is a lesser-known Super Friends recurring character and which is a DC-area gay bar?

Cobalt

Giganta

Zan 

El Dorado 

The Eagle

Apex

Atom 

Remington

The Green Lantern

Firestorm 

(answers after the jump)