I would've written about Wednesday's crazy-ass episode of Top Chef sooner, but I just got around to watching it last night.  I forgot that it was Wednesday and ended up watching Medium instead.  What?  Why did I forget that Top Chef was on?  Because I… it was a…  okay, I was drunk, are you happy?!

We're several episodes into this season of Top Chef and the onions and capers are just beginning to sizzle.

So far, the show has eliminated about half of its contestants, including its two gays; they gave a well-deserved boot to Carlos for serving up a weak-ass salad for a "cutting edge Thanksgiving" challenge while the show served up premature walking papers to talented, bemulleted lesbian Josie — a decision that was surprising to both viewers and weepy contestants.

In any case, I TiFauxed a rerun of Wednesday's episode and watched it last night.  Whooboy!  Crazy Mia threw her body on the grenade for Elia so that she wouldn't go home, but not before dropping some f-bombs directed towards Cliff at the judges' table.  She even threw in the towel before the judges announced who was going home (leading me to believe that she thought that she was going home anyways.  After all, Elia has won the past two competitions back-to-back, so Mia's decision probably wasn't so much 'I'm doing this because it's right' as much as it was 'You can't fire me because I quit'.)

Here's how it went down: 

Cliff won immunity in the Quickfire Challenge because he made the best concoction out of the product-placed Bailey's.  The shocker was that schlubby, perenially-losing Michael was one of the top cooks for the challenge.  When the guest judge lady said she like it, everyone looked at him with shocked approval as Ilan nudged him with his elbow affectionately.  It was as if a scared five-year-old had finally managed to go into the deep end of the pool, armed with floaties, goggles and a Zinka-covered nose.  It was cute, but it made you realize that it's a travesty for him to still be in the competition.

The contestants were divided into two teams to cater a Hollywood holiday-themed red carpet event.  I guess that's how you'd describe it — I didn't really understand quite what the event was but the big dude from Studio 60 was there, acting a fool.  The orange team, made up of Sam, Marcel, Betty and Ilan chose Sam as their leader, while  the black team (Cliff, Elia, Mia and Michael) chose Elia.  And everyone wondered why they chose Halloween colors for the Christmas event.

There's the requisite bickering and flaring tempers as the chefs plan their menus, but it becomes increasingly apparent that Cliff and Mia are both too stubborn to work with each other.  They're both equally at fault for their team's communication problems, but Mia acts like a crazy person, making it much easier to blame her.  Mia also has a tendency, I've noticed, to interview that every challenge just happens to be her specialty.  She drops the phrases "I cook for cowboys," "I own my own restaurant," and "I am a professional caterer" over and over until you have absolutely no concept of what she does for a living.

In the end, Sam's team ends up with an enormous spread of more than ten appetizer-style items while Elia's team focuses on just four.  While Elia's team served up the ostensibly higher-quality fare, their execution was a mess and they couldn't keep their table stocked which led — in no small part — to their loss.

Judge Gail is gone this episode, presumably attending a scallion convention, and has been replaced by Ted from Queer Eye. When Sam finds out that he won (being the head of his team), he reacts in typical Sam fashion — by not smiling or emoting at all, but just blinking a little bit and saying thanks.  Now, let me say this, Sam is still a piece of ass, but he does carry himself with a bit of a jockish demeanor that is intimidating and a little off-putting.  That said, I'm probably just bitter because he's more successful than I'll ever be and hotter than anyone I'll ever date.

Cut to the losing team and Cliff and Mia are going at it like cats and dogs, veering away from the politely passive-aggressive blame-shifting of normal Judges Tables into out-and-out hostility.  Mia cries and swears, knowing she's kind of screwed and that Cliff has immunity.  As the judges deliberate, Mia begins ranting in the kitchen about her completely irrelevant life story — saying she was selling drugs at the age of eleven and she's the only person in her family to make something of themselves.  It was all very A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, but also quite annoying and crazy.  Cliff tells her to shut up.

All the while it becomes apparent that it's going to be either Mia or Elia going home (Cliff can't get eliminated. Elia was the leader of the losing team, Mia's judgement was questionable and Michael wisely kept his mouth shut.)  Mia becomes convinced it's going to be Elia and says she can't let that happen.

A couple of notes about Elia: 1) I keep thinking she's Israeli, even though she's Mexican.  Totally not the same thing.  2)  Whenever she's being interviewed and she has her hair done up in curls, she looks a little Flashdancey — like she should have some sort of sweatshirt-hanging-off-the-shoulder action going. 

At the Judges' Table, Mia sacrifices herself and I'm left wondering if she was going to get the boot all along.

Next week: Wolverine-haired and indisputably annoying (but hugely scapegoated) Marcel fights with Ilan.  Somebody famous comes to judge the competition, but it's probably no one anyone's ever heard of unless they're a professional chef.

It's pretty lame to admit to even watching Saturday Night Live, let alone copping to the fact that you're excited about a particular episode.

That being said, and not to get all pre-teen-ish on you, but Justin Timberlake is hosting and performing on tomorrow's SNL, and I'm… well… I'm looking forward to it. Ahem. His last host/performing appearance was probably my favorite episode of that season. He's funny. And he sings nicely. And he's cute. I don't think much can go wrong with that formula. Right? RIGHT?

I mean, remember when he did his Ashton Kutcher imitation?

That wasn't even my favorite sketch that night.

Also I'm sure TiFaux readers are anxiously awaiting tonight's Battlestar Galactica. Frankly, I'm nervous. Things have been going not that suckily for a couple of weeks (besides all the radiation and starvation — which, pish! they've dealt with worse), so I'm guessing something truly horrible is about to happen. Bring. It. On.  

They make my face swell up like no other. 

• David Denman, aka Roy from The Office, gives an interesting interview to TV Guide about his character's recent rehabilitation.
• The guy who won The Biggest Loser, Erik, lost 52.58% of his body weight, going from 407 to 193 pounds.  The second biggest weight-loser, Brian, lost 156 pounds (50.65%).
• Ted Danson's latest lead balloon, Help Me Help You, is on the road to cancellation. 
• The Sopranos is coming back in April for its final season.  It was supposed to come back in March, but it has probably been held up by combative contract negotiations, injuries and the fact that the cast can't stop getting arrested .
• The Chicago Tribune says that Battlestar Galactica fans are in store for a big shocker. They're being cryptic about it, though.
• For those of you compulsively gathering Christmas music, you can download the version of O Holy Night that the New Orleans musicians played on Studio 60 the other week.  Look for the link on the right-hand side of the page.
• Natalie Dee draws about TV.
• It's your last chance to vote for TiFaux!  Let's finish strong!  While you're at it, maybe think about giving some love to Lesbian Dad in the Best New Blog category.  Lesbians are fun!  Plus, if she doesn't win it's going to be a blog called Hang Right Politics.

It's her.  That girl from that movie with the thing. 

Illeana Douglas, indie film queen, is a starring in a new show called Illeanarama that is streaming its first two episodes on YouTube.  I'm having trouble figuring out if this is just a spliced-up pilot or what, but it is kind of funny (not a gut-busting knee-slapper) and co-stars Justine Bateman and Jane Lynch (from Best in Show and other Christopher Guest movies).

The premise is that Illeana has retired from show business and has take a job at the Supermarket of the Stars.  It's all very self-deprecating, which I appreciate.

Yeah, I had no idea either.  View the complete list of nominations, for TV and film, here. 

But here are the highlights:

Four TiFaux favorites are up for Best Drama.  Well, three TiFaux favorites and a TiFaux vice (24, Lost, Heroes and Grey's Anatomy).  They're all up against Big Love, which will probably end up winning.  I'm a little disappointed, but not surprised to see that Dexter wasn't nominated.

However, Michael C. Hall is nominated for Best Actor in a Drama for Dexter.  He's up against Dr. McDreamy, Dr. House, Jack Bauer and Big Love polygamist man.  For the ladies, it looks like the Arquette family has bribed someone new into nominating Patricia for an award (I saw an episode of Medium for the first time this season last night and was reminded anew of her stilted and awkward dialogue).  She's up against Ellen Pompeo, Evangeline Lilly, Edie Falco and Kyra Sedgwick (for The Closer — a show that I'm convinced doesn't actually exist).

For the comedies, it's a weird assortment: Desperate Housewives, Entourage, The Office, Ugly Betty and Weeds.  Actress nods go to Marcia Cross, America Ferrera, Felicity Huffman, Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Mary Louise Parker.  Although it shouldn't really be a surprise, I'm pleased to see Alec Baldwin nominated for best actor on 30 Rock, along with Zach Braff, Steve Carrell, Jason Lee and Tony Shalhoub.

Then, the Golden Globes does that annoying thing where they lump all of the supporting categories togethers — comedies, dramas and mini-series that no one's ever seen but take up 2 hours of the telecast.  The only supporting nominations worth mentioning are Izzy from Grey's Anatomy, Harriette on Studio 60 and Hiro from Heroes (awww!).  No Jim, no Pam, no Veronica Mars or Battlestar Galactica.

Bad news first, just the way I like it.  Rip off that band-aid in one go.

Guess who's getting his own animated show on Comedy Central?  Larry the fucking Cable Guy.  I imagine most of you know who he is, but for those of you who don't, he's what a faith-based initiative would look like if it had legs and poorly groomed facial hair.  I guess I can't shake my head at Comedy Central too much, given that they are responsible for The Daily Show and The Colbert Report.  But what's wrong with them?  The bright side is that they've only ordered a pilot, so hopefully it won't get picked up.

If you want to read more about why Larry's objectionable, David Cross explains it (at length) better than I ever could. 

But wait, there's more.

Guess who's also getting her own animated show?  Amy Poehler!  Yay!  Forces of light and good! 

The show, called "Mighty B" features Poehler as the voice of Bessie Higgenbottom, described as "the world's most ambitious and lovably unhinged 10-year-old Honeybee scout" who, despite having earned more Bee Badges than any Honeybee before her, will not rest until she's earned every single one.

The down side is that the show isn't set to premiere til 2008 on Nickelodeon.

I can't help but be turned on by budgets and powerpoints.  And neither can you, admit it. 

• Zach, Claire's nerdy friend on Heroes, is the subject of much debate on the sexual orientation front.  First, he was supposed to come out, now he's not.  AfterElton sorts it all out in much detail.
• SURVIVOR SPOILER: Click here for a big change in the way the season finale is going to be run. 
• A new Ask Ausiello Q&A is online at TV Guide's Web site.  He provides spoilers for all sorts of shows and this week he features a big surprise from Greys Anatomy as well as a synopsis of the season finale of Dexter!  Don't read it if you don't want things ruined.
• Steven Spielberg is developing two dramas for Fox: one about the fashion industry and one about time travel.  True story: my grandfather dated Steven Spielberg's mom.  We called him "Uncle Steve" for years to piss my grandmother off.
• Road Rules, which has been off the radar for years, will be making a resurgence.  This time, it's some weirdo format featuring all alumni cast members and it will be shot in real time over the span of many weeks.  I don't understand it either.  In related news, The Real World's NINETEENTH SEASON will be held in Detroit, Montreal, Sydney, Atlanta or Washington, D.C. (just sayin', the DC thing seems long overdue).
• Plus: have you voted for TiFaux today?

We've been doing plenty of self-promotion lately with our race for Third Best Culture Blog on the Weblog awards. (If you haven't voted on three different computers today you haven't been doing your part) But now it's time for you-promotion. That's where you promote TiFaux instead of us. We've resisted adding those little icons you see in the space at the bottom of other people's blog posts these days (known as "Iconistan") because a) We don't use those things and b) We don't like clutter. But thanks to Alex King's fancy "Share This" plugin, we've eliminated the b) objection. So if you happen to use any of those services like del.icio.us or Digg, please share our stories with your "peeps." 

The Hater points out that SNL's digital shorts have suspiciously resembled other viral videos the past couple of months. What struck me as suspicious on Saturday wasn't the videos, though — it was the final-minutes sketch about a law firm for cats whose crazy owners left them millionaires of dollars when they died.

That sketch, if you happen to watch anything with Jon Stewart as obsessively as we here at TiFaux do, will immediately bring to mind Comedy Central's recent autism benefit show. Steve Carrell did a pre-taped segment where he urged millionaire inheritance cats to give to the autism charity. He spoke in "cat," directly to the kitties. Oscar translated into "Spanish cat."

Granted, these are two totally different approaches to the millionaire cat premise. But… did you just read that sentence? The millionaire cat premise. 

Do we live in a world so overrun with millionaire cats that there are actually multiple ways of mocking them? Is the problem of crazy-inheritance pets so widespread that it deserves two different sketches?

Basically what I'm asking is, what are the odds that both Steve Carrell and the writers at SNL both independently thought to themselves, Millionaire cats! Genius!, and that SNL didn't — subconsciously or not — rip off the autism benefit? Pretty slim, I think. 

Just because it's an autism benefit on Comedy Central doesn't mean nobody's watching. In fact, I'd venture to say that it's pretty likely the same people watch both SNL and the CC benefit. I did, at least. 

And now I've just spent an hour trying to find evidence that anyone, anywhere actually left money to their pets in their will. All I've found is this short film from 1932, which probably means "cat" in the "he's a hep cat, dig?" type of way. Major points to whoever can link to a Crazy Cat Lady Will. 

A while ago, Maggie advised me of the upcoming A&E made-for-TV movie Wedding Wars, starring John Stamos.  It promises to be the gayest event of the holiday season.

The film stars John Stamos and Eric "McSteamy" Dane as brothers, gay and straight respectively.  Stamos' character Shel (no relation, presumably) is a fabulous party planner who is set to plan the wedding of his campaign manager brother Ben.  When Shel finds out that Ben is behind the governor's speech against gay marriage (Ben is betrothed to the governor's daughter, Maggie), he decides to go on strike for equal rights.  Somehow, one lonely gay's plight becomes a national cause.

Gay mayhem ensues — presumably leaving high school theater productions unrehearsed, hair salons unmanned and the cast of Disney on Ice reduced to Goofy and two dwarfs.

I'm curious to see how Stamos plays gay — if he'll throw in some swishy mannerisms just to sell it a little bit or if he'll just maintain his current level of butch.  Not that he's some sort of lumberjack now — he has a Ryan Seacrest level of well-coiffed masculinity — but we'll see how it goes. 

Also, I'd like Shel to have some sort of actual love interest and have a real screen kiss.  That wish is both political and self-serving.

As I watch it, I expect the following: 

1.  Stamos in snugly-fitting t-shirts.

2.  The nagging feeling that Dane and Stamos should be holding hands the whole time.

3.  At some point there will be a "shocking" outing of a character — thereby showing that we're all the same after all.  Or something. 

So let's all watch and then report back tomorrow.  It's probably going to be awful, but it'll probably be a well intentioned liberal love-fest and that's good enough for me. 

Heroes isn't on again until next year, so you won't be missing anything.  Showtime's at 9 on A&E.