Semi-Homemade, Semi-Extraterrestrial

Posted by Dan January 9th, 2007 at 03:10pm In Food Network Guilty Pleasures

I’m becoming a little bit obsessed with Sandra Lee.

For those of you who don’t know her, she’s the blondest, WASPiest thing to ever hit the Food Network with her show Semi-Homemade. It’s a cute concept — take half pre-packaged goods and half fresh ingredients to save yourself time and make yourself seem more talented than you really are.

The things she makes usually look pretty good, but I’m kind of fascinated with her whole persona. I mean, she’s the second-hottest chef on the Food Network, and she has that exacting brand of Stepford perfection that you can’t believe is for real. Every time I see Sandra her blonde hair is more and more feathered — like she’s just about to go head-to-head with a seventies-era Farrah Fawcett.

I know nothing about Sandra Lee’s actual story. For all I know, she grew up in South Central LA (have to admit, though, I’m strongly doubting it). But I like to think that she has a husband who was a high school football hero and now is the back-slapping kind of barrel-chested middle-aged guy who you would recruit to help you move a piece of furniture into your house. He’d gladly oblige and maybe he’d call you “sport.”

Sandra Lee likely has two children, a boy named Hunter and a girl named Taylor. Hunter is the star forward for his little league team and Taylor takes piano lessons. They are both heterosexual.

The best parts of every show come at the end, though. The first comes is her daily tablescape — a craft-laden table, with a flawlessly executed theme meant to enhance the dining experience. It has such psychotic attention to detail that you just know she spent multiple hours whittling decorations on sticks of butter and arranging faux foliage on table just so. More than any reasonable person would do.

The second part that I love, love, love is the fact that she always makes a cocktail with every meal. It’s usually something fruity, garnished with fresh blueberries, and she’ll sample it right there for you. I really want to know what goes on behind the scenes at Semi-Homemade. Does she have to go through multiple takes sampling the drinks? Does she demand that they do extra takes? You just know there have been a few drunken episodes where she starts chugging strawberry schnappes from the bottle and yelling insults at Molto Mario.