The Hills are alive! Season 2, episode 1 recap

Posted by Cristin January 16th, 2007 at 12:50pm In MTV The Hills

After the suckfest that was season 1, I swore I'd never do this again, and then MTV had to go and put a pregnancy test in the previews. There are few things I can't resist in life, and they include jelly beans and, as anyone who lived with me in college during my Maury Povich phase will tell you, a good pregnancy scare/ paternity testing scandal. And so, we meet again, LC.

LC gives us the summer recap in a whirlwind 15 seconds. This onslaught of information will prove to be more interesting than the remaining 27 minutes of the show: When LC flaked on Paris, Whitney got to go in her place (I'm sorry, what? Wasn't Whitney going to NY to take a TeenVoid internship there? And yes, I'm going to make all the same jokes I did last season). Does that mean that in the hierarchy of desirable internships Paris is above NY (okay, makes sense) and, according to who was offered what, in the hierarchy of desirable interns, LC was ABOVE whitney?? No chance. Audrina ditched her weird studio job and took one at Epic records. We're treated to a shot of her standing up from behind a reception desk to shake hands with someone as LC tells us Audrina "wasted no time fitting right in." According to that clip, she's doing… exactly what she was doing at her last job. I guess the censors wouldn't allow for the shot of the bottoms of her feet sticking out from under her boss's desk. Huh.

Heidi was promoted at Bolthouse (again, I question the meritocracy in place in all LA area businesses) and now works the door at the "hottest" clubs. "You like my earpiece?!?" Heidi squeals from out in front of one of said clubs, gesturing at the headset that'll come in enormously helpful when she's working at Wendy's next week. Heidi has also been hitting it with Spencer, who appears to be the bastard love child of Ian Ziering, Anthony Michael Hall, and the kid with elephant man disease in that Cher movie. AND he's also dating Audrina. SCANDAL!

LC then confirms what we already knew about her split from JWahl, and we get to watch her dropping all of his things off at his house. Jason is entirely too cheerful through this whole exchange ("Damn! Golf clubs!" he happily proclaims with more enthusiasm than he did when LC had actually gifted them to him), especially considering that LC can't stop crying. I can't imagine why. Stay strong, LC! "You still my buddy?" JWahl asks, and I'm guessing that MTV edited out the Eff bomb from somewhere in that sentence. LC, to her credit, declines buddyhood.

And the Bedingfield song is back for the credits! New shots include LC tying a bikini onto a skeletal model and Heidi twirling around in a tiara. Awesome. This episode is entitled "Out With The Old…"

At Bolthouse, we learn that they're working on the opening for Area, a new club. Mr. Bolthouse proclaims "heidi, we've got a lot of work to do, so don't bug me." I would really like to have been a fly on the wall during the performance review that preceded her promotion. Audrina calls Heidi from work and gets sent to voicemail (ooh! dis!!) where she leaves the perennial favorite "I don't know what's going on, if you're mad at me or whatever…" message that all chicks learn in Girl Scouts and use no less than 29 times before they get married and renounce all of their single friends anyway.

For our reintroduction to the TeenVogue offices, MTV has chosen a song with lyrics that profoundly explain "today will be yesterday tomorrow." I make a mental note to check the ending credits to see if Thoreau or Walt Whitman is interning at Viacomm. Whitney strolls in and she and LC have an awkward "How was your summer/ I was in Paris while your cokehead boyfriend was being arrested at the VMAs, what a douche" convo. Then they're called into Editrix Love's office, where Lisa herself confirms that she did not, as I had suggested, spend the summer experimenting with deep conditioners.

Editrix Love initially ignores LC entirely, telling Whitney "That was a great choice you made, going to Paris." Way to rub it in. But it gets better: "Lauren will always be known as the girl who didn't go to Paris," she continues. Wait, does she not know that LC is sitting RIGHT THERE? Man. LC goes home and cries to Heidi that she just wants to be done with the whole Paris/ Jason business (understandably) and Heidi tells her that every day things will get a little better. Woah… good advice? From the Heidster? Will heidi continue her campaign to become my favorite Hills personality into season 2? "It's like losing your best friend!" LC wails about Jason, and Heidi, amazingly, resists saying "What does that make me, biatch?" and instead responds "The best part of Jason was you." I'm positive that she got that from a Meg Ryan movie, but still! Points for Heidi!!

For our formal introduction to Spencer, we find him and Heidi at his favorite mexican restaurant. They discuss the upcoming Area club opening, and Spencer claims that he never dated Audrina, that he got "a total, like, friend vibe" from her. Aside from this blatant lie, Spencer spends most of dinner spewing doucheisms and earning my eternal hatred. At the end of the night, Heidi carries the flowers he bought her back to his apartment where, presumably, all the magic happens.  The next morning Heidi recaps the night for LC, talking about how affectionate Spencer has gotten and how he'll jokingly hide behind her when they're out so that other girls don't see him. Somehow the term "pending restraining order" never enters into the conversation.

We cut immediately to… Spencer and Audrina! And she's holding the same flowers he got Heidi! And he's offering to take her to the same mexican restaurant for dinner before they go to the Area opening! And here's where I stop understanding Spencer's motivation. If you want to keep banging both girls, shouldn't you not bring one as a date to another one's work function? Call me old fashioned, but, come on. The only explanation I can come up with is that Spencer is a Christian Bale American Psycho style lunatic and is planning on killing and eating both girls. Which is cool, as long as he's only successful with Audrina, whom I am also beginning to hate with the fire of a thousand suns. Seriously, is this the year of Heidi?? Loving her more and more with every passing second.

After a few shots of the Area opening red carpet, we're treated to LC's friend Jen and her gnat sized intellect as she whispers "6 o'clock!" to LC by way of directing her attention to a guy standing more or less directly in front of them. Screw the extra troops, president bush, just get Jen over to Iraq, and her tactical precision will get us out of this mess in a hurry! Spencer and Audrina stroll up the red carpet and right by Heidi. Heidi is shocked– she discusses it with her coworker Kristin, who tells her "girls are sometimes worse than the guys." And she would know, as she appears to have been both in this lifetime. Heidi storms up to Spencer to give him The Business about Audrina and he swears on his mother's life that he didn't come with her. We also get a shot of Spencer playfully ducking behind Audrina to hide from Heidi (where have we heard about that move before?) and generally being a douche. I hate this guy. Really.

At work the next day, Audrina tells her coworker Chiara (whose birth certificate, I would wager, actually says catherine) that she doesn't like Spencer and has no interest in him, and doesn't know why Heidi is getting bent out of shape. I hate this girl. Really.

Heidi leaves work early because she's dizzy and nauseous and goes directly to a drug store. You can almost hear the producers praying "Please let her get a pregnancy test. Please let her get a pregnancy test. Please– oh, damnit, she just needs chapstick. OH WAIT! JACKPOT! Papa needs a new pair of shoes!" Heidi mopes home with her baby-tester to the tune of a morose cover of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" that makes the lyrics sound like a cautionary tale… perhaps because THEY ARE.

Upcoming drama this season includes lots of girls yelling WOOOO!; Emily the NY TeenVoid intern showing up, and Audrina crying. Cannot. Wait.