Pumps and bump, pumps and a bump, we like the girls with the pumps and a bump. 

• The Special Olympics thank American Idol for making fun of retarded people.
• Let's think long and hard about who this item would be of interest to.  CBS will have a pirate-themed reality show, tentatively entitled "Pirate Master." 
• Poor kid.  Some stupid girl hit Marcel from Top Chef in the face with a bottle, requiring 30 stitches and giving him an inch-long scar on his face.  Meanwhile Ilan is presumably feeling guilty for being a jerk and is calling Marcel all the time. 
• Not only is Jennifer Aniston going to do a guest spot on the boring-ass show Dirt, but she'll be gayin' it up as well.  In fact, she will give a big ole' smooch to Courteney Cox.
• Felicity got knocked up. 

For those of you who don't know and could possibly care (that is, admittedly, a small portion of you), TiFaux would like to offer an affectionate pat on the bum to former Survivor contestant and current Janice Dickinson Model Agency cast member J.P Calderon for his recent coming-out.

The professional volleyball player/shirtless wonder has made it official (after a few months of speculation that he was dating openly gay Survivor castmate Brad Virata — J.P and Brad were on Team Latino and Team Asian) in the pages of Instinct magazine.  It's all cross-promotion with his appearance on the JDMA show, since tomorrow night's episode will be all about his conflict with coming out.

I'm guessing J.P. is going to be the next Reichen (Lance Bass' boyfriend/Amazing Race winner).  That is, he'll continue to sustain a bit of notoriety because he is impossibly good-looking (so good-looking, in fact, it just pisses me off at this point) and castable in any number of reality projects. 

See also: Neil Patrick Harris  

Here's a tip from your friendly TiFaux editors: Watching Battlestar Galactica, 24, and Heroes in a row without pausing and without commercials may cause anxiety, heart palpitations, and/or mild panic attacks.

With Battlestar Galactica late on Sundays now, and 24 back from its nine-month hiatus, we were faced last night with an unprecedented block of television so apocalyptic and full of shocking revelations I feel like investing in a fallout bunker like President Palmer's. 

I'm a little shaken, a little jittery. They're such different shows — one's in space, one plays in "real time," one's about a bunch of genetic mutants — I guess it never occurred to me how high the stakes are in each of these shows. Where's a little Gilmore Girls to relieve the tension? We didn't even end up having time to watch the return of Studio 60, which might have lessened the emotional toll somewhat. 

(And now for the SPOILERS.) 

Talk about a night for surprises.

24: Jack's brother is the mastermind terrorist from last season! Shock, shock, shocking! So he clearly has a Jack Bauer inferiority complex (who doesn't?), and that's even before we knew his wife had a thing with Jack. Last season the terrorists were trying to prevent terrorism, or something equally crazy, if I remember correctly, so what I see happening is this: Graham Bauer, having lived all his life in Jack's enormous shadow, tried to be a hero in his own misguided way. He's not evil, he's just trying to live up to a ridiculous standard. Or he's evil. To be determined.

Also, I fully expect that when Philip Bauer shows up (James Cromwell), he'll be all "Hello, Boy-o" and then shoot someone in the gut. Because that's the kind of guy he is. 

Heroes: An invisible guy? Cool. The return of Zach? Nice. Isaac's vision of Hiro battling a dinosaur actually being a scene in a museum? Even better. Not cool, not cool at all, not cool even a tiny, little, insignificant bit? NBC's relentless attempts to make catchphrases out of this show. Stop trying to make me care who's on the list. I just don't care. Also, it makes me think of this. I realize that's also an NBC show, but I don't think that's the type of synergy they're going for.

Battlestar Galactica: Finally — Gaius, Caprica, and the rest of humankind together again like it should be. Maybe Gauis will shave! But Kara's a prophet now? Okay, you're going to have to work a little more to sell that one to me. An excellent episode, as always. Who did D'Anna see?

I have to go take a nap in my concrete bunker now.