Previously on The Hills: Audrina becomes this season's HoBags McGee. Heidi has a lifetime original movie moment. LC remains pretty boring. Cristin spends over a week avoiding her tifaux so she wouldn't have to watch this episode again. I thought it would take me a few more weeks for the hatred to kick in, but life is full of little surprises!
We open on a shot of LC consulting her laptop. "I'm making my list for my birthday that's months and months away," she tells Heidi, sadly not giving us any kind of look at the screen. Not that it's hard to imagine. "Number 1: Update JWahl restraining order. Number 2: Restore some semblance of life to hair." Heidi plops down on the couch next to LC, moving an extremely large brown tabby cat. Whose cat is that? And is it so fat because it ate Heidi's dog? Where is that dog, anyway? Heidi comes clean about the pregnancy test, saying "I've never been so scared in my life." Happily, she reports that she won't be spawning with Spencer any time soon. The world is safe again. I was about ready to dispatch Jack Bauer to her womb to take care of the situation.
Over at bolthouse, Heidi gives Spencer a call and asks him to come meet her in the back alley. And the abortion jokes write themselves! Also, how am I somehow not shocked that Spencer's work day schedule goes something like "Wake up, sow wild oats, cruise around waiting for one of several happy recipients of my sperm to phone in?" Does no one work in this town? At at office across town where no on is in danger of getting knocked up (seriously, girls, put something in there before it grows over) LC is getting dispatched to an Ashley Paige fashion show as a personal favor to someone I've never heard of that MTV didn't explain in the subtitles. Does NO one have useful interns? This paragraph is getting really hostile.
Heidi chooses the front seat of Spencer's car to give her fake boyfriend a fake pregnancy scare. Nothing like going back to the scene of the crime. Before telling him that she's not in the family way, Heidi uses the situation to force the State of the Union talk with "I don't really know how you feel about me." Spencer responds that he is "on team Heidi." Team Heidi! Me, too! Do we get jerseys? Am I right to assume that, if we do, Spencer will take number 69 and I'll have to go with my second choice? During The Talk Spencer also claims that Audrina is "out of her mind" and he wants nothing to do with her at all. Heidi rewards him with the news of her not being pregnant, and he is suitably angry. Then they make some jokes about it, because it's not too soon for that at all, and Heidi goes merrily on her way.
