The Hills are alive! Season 2, episode 2 recap

Posted by Cristin February 1st, 2007 at 11:09am In MTV The Hills

Previously on The Hills: Audrina becomes this season's HoBags McGee. Heidi has a lifetime original movie moment. LC remains pretty boring. Cristin spends over a week avoiding her tifaux so she wouldn't have to watch this episode again. I thought it would take me a few more weeks for the hatred to kick in, but life is full of little surprises!

We open on a shot of LC consulting her laptop. "I'm making my list for my birthday that's months and months away," she tells Heidi, sadly not giving us any kind of look at the screen. Not that it's hard to imagine. "Number 1: Update JWahl restraining order. Number 2: Restore some semblance of life to hair." Heidi plops down on the couch next to LC, moving an extremely large brown tabby cat. Whose cat is that? And is it so fat because it ate Heidi's dog? Where is that dog, anyway? Heidi comes clean about the pregnancy test, saying "I've never been so scared in my life." Happily, she reports that she won't be spawning with Spencer any time soon. The world is safe again. I was about ready to dispatch Jack Bauer to her womb to take care of the situation.

Over at bolthouse, Heidi gives Spencer a call and asks him to come meet her in the back alley. And the abortion jokes write themselves! Also, how am I somehow not shocked that Spencer's work day schedule goes something like "Wake up, sow wild oats, cruise around waiting for one of several happy recipients of my sperm to phone in?" Does no one work in this town? At at office across town where no on is in danger of getting knocked up (seriously, girls, put something in there before it grows over) LC is getting dispatched to an Ashley Paige fashion show as a personal favor to someone I've never heard of that MTV didn't explain in the subtitles. Does NO one have useful interns? This paragraph is getting really hostile.

Heidi chooses the front seat of Spencer's car to give her fake boyfriend a fake pregnancy scare. Nothing like going back to the scene of the crime. Before telling him that she's not in the family way, Heidi uses the situation to force the State of the Union talk with "I don't really know how you feel about me." Spencer responds that he is "on team Heidi." Team Heidi! Me, too! Do we get jerseys? Am I right to assume that, if we do, Spencer will take number 69 and I'll have to go with my second choice? During The Talk Spencer also claims that Audrina is "out of her mind" and he wants nothing to do with her at all. Heidi rewards him with the news of her not being pregnant, and he is suitably angry. Then they make some jokes about it, because it's not too soon for that at all, and Heidi goes merrily on her way.

Back at her apartment, Heidi as made LC a cup of tea. And I'd like to take this time to remark that Heidi looks aMAZing this season. Whoever colors her hair deserves a nobel prize. She is endlessly pretty, and for some reason that makes it easy for me to side with her when she justifies using her nonbaby to scare her nonboyfriend into commitment. "If he was going to react wrongly then I wouldn't want to be with him. He handled it well," she explains plainly to LC. LC is impervious to her endless prettiness, and doesn't take it well when Heidi drops the bomb that she has whored LC out to Brody Jenner, son of an Olympian and "famous in his own right" for Fox reality show Princes of Malibu, and exboyfriend of my other favorite Laguna Beach High alumn. "Heidi, he's been touched by Kristin, he's tainted!" LC complains. Because that really stopped you back in high school with Stephen.

xin_26070315090738012791.jpg

KCav: Tainted Love.

LC then trots off to help at the Ashley Paige fashion show. Ashley herself, we soon come to find, is the unholy love child of Lizzie Grubman and Sandra Bernhardt, only with more cocaine. She yells at LC to answer the phone, saying "interns never know how to answer the phone!" and then berates her for not wearing a watch. (This one I can kind of understand. How do you not wear a watch? Wait, Ashley… where's YOUR watch?) LC is alternatingly put in charge of sewing fake flowers onto a fake umbrella ("Make it pretty. Not tacky.") and digging a wick out of a candle that Ashley proclaims to be magical.

Spencer celebrates his lack of impending fatherhood by phoning up Audrina. "How's my favorite person in the world?" he sings, before asking her out to dinner. Audrina, to her credit, turns him down. Granted, this is probably due more to some residual eating disorder issues from high school than it is an indicator of a strong moral compass, but whatever. She hangs up on him and I cheer audibly.

The fashion show is in full swing when Whitney shows up to help LC, who is being given such important direction as "if the models need help putting on their shoes, just jump in and do it." While she's busy jumping in and doing it, Brody calls her up and she takes the call (fool!) and promptly has to hang up. Skinny people wear weird bathing suits, and then Ashley is being applauded on the runway, escorted by two tiny dogs and two tiny models. She tells LC that she did a good job and jokes about stealing her from Lisa. (I would wager a guess that the last time anyone stole anything from Lisa, they woke up with the severed head of Heidi Klum in bed next to them). Back at home, Brody calls LC again and they awkwardly make plans to have an awkward date.

At TeenVoid, Whitney and LC both come into Lisa's office, apparently for the sole reason of handing her a single cup of coffee. Always good to have four hands on that task. Lisa asks LC to stay behind and tells her that she did a good job, and that they are learning more and more than "{her} strength is at the production level." I wish she had said something else that would lend itself more easily to me making a joke to close this paragraph with a zing.

LC heads off on her "first date since Jason." The date is edited in a way that makes Brody appear to be one of those dolls with a pull string on its back, only horribly misprogrammed to only spit out annoying first date platitudes. "You look amazing." "You have a very nice smile." "I love it when you smile." "Thank you for giving me the most beautiful date in this place." "I just like to see you smile." I fear that he's going to drive LC to a secluded area, carve her lips off, and bring them home to affix to the skin suit he's creating, but instead they just hug and go their separate ways at the end of the night.

Next time: Heidi's birthday! I hope no one else got her a Nuva-ring because I'm going to be soooo embarrassed if there are TWO of the gift I picked out.

5 Comments

  • 1. Dan  |  February 1st, 2007 at 4:54 pm

    A day without a Cristin abortion joke is like a day without sunshine. I tell you.

  • 2. Mojo  |  February 5th, 2007 at 9:21 am

    My girlfriend loves this show and made me watch the marathon last weekend. I know I’m a little out of the loop, but has it ever come up that Brody Jenner used to date Kristen Cavallari (spell it how you like it) AKA “LC’s arch nem”?

  • 3. google  |  January 8th, 2008 at 9:27 pm

    that pic won me 140 points on google picture labler

  • 4. ugh  |  April 13th, 2008 at 7:31 pm

    i hate kristen shes sucha cow towards LC . shes bitter that LC landed herself a show in hollywood

  • 5. Ikiki The Troll  |  April 23rd, 2008 at 4:31 am

    I wanna know a name of the girl in that pic.
    Could anyone tell me who she is?
    She is so .. damn pretty !!!


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