Previously: LC helps out a deranged monkey of a fashion designer, has date; Heidi fakes a pregnancy scare, secures boyfriend.
Yes! It’s Heidi’s birthday! I am so pumped. So, so pumped. Hopefully I’ll get invited to her sleepover and we’ll play Girl Talk and Mall Madness and call up the boys we like and hang up on them. If she’s not to busy shopping with LC for the perfect party dress and talking, yet again, about her nonfriendship with Audrina. “We’re not friends, I’m not going to invite her,” Heidi says of her party, apparently not having made an itemized list of birthday bullet points months in advance as we saw LC doing last episode. “You really are a princess on your birthday,” LC tells Heidi solemnly, channeling her inner Frances Hodgson Burnett.
LC has a lunch date with Brody, where he opens with “Don’t laugh at my haircut.” It’s been a while since I took Latin IV so I’m struggling to remember the name of the literary term that describes drawing attention to something by saying that you won’t be discussing it (as exemplified in Cicero’s orations against Cataline, and also every time my parents got mad at me in college and went “and we’re not even going to TALK about the tongue ring issue.”), but I’m guessing that’s what Brody’s going for here– “Let’s not talk about my haircut, or how pretty I am. No, seriously, LC, you have such beautiful eyes. My hair? You like it? Really? VALIDATE ME, BITCH!” LC falls for the bait and chirps “You look younger!” (according to the gods at wikipedia, Brody is 23. So this haircut makes him look, what, 19? Excellent). They move from their stunning haircut discussion to a rundown of Brody’s relationship history, with LC noting “You went from Kristen to Nicole? Why don’t you ever take breaks between girls? You need to be single.” Um, LC, do you want him to take you out to dinner and buy you things, or what, here? Because you don’t sound very committed to the idea. Also, my favorite online information archive would suggest that the Nicole mentioned is Nicole Richie. So now that LC has been added to the pile, it looks like Brody has 2 Laguna grads, 2 cokeheads, and a total of 2% body fat in his portfolio. Well played. “I’m just looking for somebody to cuddle with. I’m a cuddler,” Brody admits sheepishly, hiding his copy of Things To Say To Make Rich Chicks Drop Trou under the table.
Over at Epic records, Audrina has decided that it’s Casual/ Dress Like A Ho Friday. Seriously, her boobs are out of control in that tank top. She bounces over to see her friend Intern Chiara (okay, so, in a fight, who would win? Intern Whitney or Intern Chiara? I actually think Chiara would. She seems fiesty, and Whitney is too sweet. But still, Whitney’s got some height. Good, now I have something to think about all day. This is going to be like the time in college someone asked me if the Hardee’s star would win in a fight against the hamburglar and I spent the rest of the day staring off into space trying to imagine what would happen, and wound up with a 1.99 freshman GPA). Audrina asks if she’s going to get Chiara in trouble by talking to her. I don’t totally understand the hierarchy difference between Audrina the Receptionist and Chiara the Intern… unless, of course, it’s that Chiara is currently enrolled in some kind of institution of higher learning. If she is, I’m going to assume it’s not a top 10 one, as her advice re: Heidi’s birthday is “just go, and wish her a happy birthday.” Of course. Please crash the party of a girl who visibly hates you with the firey passion of a thousand suns. Audrina, who evidentally has the same cliche-generator subscription as Brody, remarks “to have a friend you have to be a friend, and she’s not being a friend.” Well, Audrina, logic would then dictate that you stop offering your friendship, but who am I to throw logic in the face of the Hills, where people wear the same headband every day and don’t even stop to notice that their tiny, adorable dog has GONE MISSING since last season.
Heroes: more George Takei!