The Hills are alive! Season 2, episode 3 recap

Posted by Cristin February 5th, 2007 at 01:22pm In The Hills

Previously: LC helps out a deranged monkey of a fashion designer, has date; Heidi fakes a pregnancy scare, secures boyfriend.

Yes! It’s Heidi’s birthday! I am so pumped. So, so pumped. Hopefully I’ll get invited to her sleepover and we’ll play Girl Talk and Mall Madness and call up the boys we like and hang up on them. If she’s not to busy shopping with LC for the perfect party dress and talking, yet again, about her nonfriendship with Audrina. “We’re not friends, I’m not going to invite her,” Heidi says of her party, apparently not having made an itemized list of birthday bullet points months in advance as we saw LC doing last episode. “You really are a princess on your birthday,” LC tells Heidi solemnly, channeling her inner Frances Hodgson Burnett.

LC has a lunch date with Brody, where he opens with “Don’t laugh at my haircut.” It’s been a while since I took Latin IV so I’m struggling to remember the name of the literary term that describes drawing attention to something by saying that you won’t be discussing it (as exemplified in Cicero’s orations against Cataline, and also every time my parents got mad at me in college and went “and we’re not even going to TALK about the tongue ring issue.”), but I’m guessing that’s what Brody’s going for here– “Let’s not talk about my haircut, or how pretty I am. No, seriously, LC, you have such beautiful eyes. My hair? You like it? Really? VALIDATE ME, BITCH!” LC falls for the bait and chirps “You look younger!” (according to the gods at wikipedia, Brody is 23. So this haircut makes him look, what, 19? Excellent). They move from their stunning haircut discussion to a rundown of Brody’s relationship history, with LC noting “You went from Kristen to Nicole? Why don’t you ever take breaks between girls? You need to be single.” Um, LC, do you want him to take you out to dinner and buy you things, or what, here? Because you don’t sound very committed to the idea. Also, my favorite online information archive would suggest that the Nicole mentioned is Nicole Richie. So now that LC has been added to the pile, it looks like Brody has 2 Laguna grads, 2 cokeheads, and a total of 2% body fat in his portfolio. Well played. “I’m just looking for somebody to cuddle with. I’m a cuddler,” Brody admits sheepishly, hiding his copy of Things To Say To Make Rich Chicks Drop Trou under the table.

Over at Epic records, Audrina has decided that it’s Casual/ Dress Like A Ho Friday. Seriously, her boobs are out of control in that tank top. She bounces over to see her friend Intern Chiara (okay, so, in a fight, who would win? Intern Whitney or Intern Chiara? I actually think Chiara would. She seems fiesty, and Whitney is too sweet. But still, Whitney’s got some height. Good, now I have something to think about all day. This is going to be like the time in college someone asked me if the Hardee’s star would win in a fight against the hamburglar and I spent the rest of the day staring off into space trying to imagine what would happen, and wound up with a 1.99 freshman GPA). Audrina asks if she’s going to get Chiara in trouble by talking to her. I don’t totally understand the hierarchy difference between Audrina the Receptionist and Chiara the Intern… unless, of course, it’s that Chiara is currently enrolled in some kind of institution of higher learning. If she is, I’m going to assume it’s not a top 10 one, as her advice re: Heidi’s birthday is “just go, and wish her a happy birthday.” Of course. Please crash the party of a girl who visibly hates you with the firey passion of a thousand suns. Audrina, who evidentally has the same cliche-generator subscription as Brody, remarks “to have a friend you have to be a friend, and she’s not being a friend.” Well, Audrina, logic would then dictate that you stop offering your friendship, but who am I to throw logic in the face of the Hills, where people wear the same headband every day and don’t even stop to notice that their tiny, adorable dog has GONE MISSING since last season.

LC and Heidi head to Beverly Hills, to the tune of a snazzy Weezer song, for some pre-party primping. Heidi has chosen to wear a large belted men’s button down as a dress for the occasion. A modern upgrade on the classic walk of shame outfit! The girls toast one another from their hair sylists’ chairs. “To your birthday! No– to the best night EVER,” LC proclaims with way too much gravitas. Heidi very concisely describes the look she’s going for as “I’m doing a very Audrey Hepburn kind of look, and I’m wearing a black tutu. So, just like, really fun but sexy and sophisticated at the same time,” she says as they weave her tiara into her updo. “I’m an American Princess!” she proclaims. Oh good, something for the hordes of tweens to aspire to after they outgrow their Felicity dolls.

Heidi’s birthday is in full swing at the Les Deux nightclub, where LC has arranged for a cake that bore an image of Heidi, circa age 4. Heidi squeals at the sight of it “Nobody can eat me, I’m so cute!” {ed. note: so… many… jokes…. head… exploding…} Spencer and Brody discuss the LC conundrum (S: Lauren is SO your style! B: But I JUST got out of a relationship). Okay, Brody, if you just got out of a relationship and don’t want to date anyone, why are you giving LC the full court press here? If one of you has the right to play the “Just Got Out” card, it’s LC, who drops it like it’s hot to Heidi about 4 times in their convo re: Brody. Heidi tells LC “He’s such a good guy and he makes you smile.” (No crap he makes you smile. Your effing smile is all he’s programmed to talk about). “You’re comfortable with him,” Heidi continues sagely. I swear, I love this girl a little more every time she gives relationship advice.

Audrina approaches the party, talking on not one but two cell phones at the same time. If you’re so damn popular Audrina, how come Heidi and LC run screaming at the mere sight of you? Audrina wishes Heidi a happy birthday, which she accepts, and then segues directly into “I want to talk to you. You’re not mad at me, are you?” Heidi fidgets wildly in response, clearly not into the conversation at all. To her credit, she doesn’t do what I/ every other girl on the planet would do and lie “ohmygod of COURSE not, want some cake??” but tells Audrina that it’s her birthday and she doesn’t want to talk about it. Audrina has trouble taking no for an answer, and falls victim to Jen’s play for camera time (Jen being “LC’s friend,” according to the bottom fifth of the screen) as Jen proclaims Audrina to be “talking shit on Heidi.” She starts a sentence with “Not that I don’t like you or anything” to Audrina, which is always a good sign. Audrina leaves crying into (sob) one lone cell phone.

During the post-birthday rehash, LC again declares that she doesn’t want to date anyone right now, even though Brody does give good “arm candy.” “Why do we always compare guys to accessories?” she wonders. “Because they’re disposable like that,” Heidi responds frankly. Time to put your money where your mouth is and dispose of the elephant man, Heidi.

And now, without any proper transition whatsoever, here are some of my unsolicited thoughts on MTV Shows Other Than The Hills:

1. Engaged & Underage. There is nothing I enjoy more than watching Crazy Christians with serious relationship delusions pledge their undying love to one another at the age of 19. The only thing that would make this show better would be if they had filmed all of the episodes 5 years ago, allowing for the inevitable “we sleep in separate bedrooms and don’t speak to one another” follow up. In the first episode, we also got a dash of Medea Complex when a mom asked to see the hotel suite where her son would later be losing his virginity. Because it wasn’t enough that the couple, once married, was taking up residence in the cottage behind the groom’s parents house, within sight of the overbearing mommy at all times. I see great things in your future, David and Lauren. Also, PS, David, you totally like guys. Also, when one of your parents offers you thirty grand to hold off on getting married, maybe you should take the money and buy a house that wouldn’t allow your mom to wave at you every time you walk by the window wearing nothing but a smile.

2. Maui Fever. I think this one was set up as the bastard step child of 8th and Ocean but hasn’t even come close in terms of plot or character development. Mostly, I’m just horribly confused by this show. How old are these people? Do none of them have jobs? And by jobs, I mean something other than surfing and nailing tourists? Can we please bring back Rob & Big?

3. Two-A-Days. I missed the boat on Friday Night Lights and now feel like there’s no way for me to catch up before next season. Which is totally fine, because MTV is offering an entirely new crop of high school kids who live and die for football when they’re not dressing up in totally politically correct cowboys and indians costumes for “western theme day” at school, and discussing how they want their cheerleader girlfriends to follow them to whatever division I school they wind up playing at.

Anyway.

At TeenVoid, LC has dragged Whitney into an awkward lunch with Audrina. They cover the obvious (boys, jobs) within 30 seconds before launching into HeidiGate 2006. “I didn’t come to ruin her birthday,” Audrina says, except she pronounces it “rune” and makes me wonder if she has a little midwestern in her. Other than the guy she picked up at the bar with the mechanical bull. Nothing is resolved, and at the end of the lunch Audrina pronounces “Well, just cause me and Heidi aren’t friends doesn’t mean WE can’t be.” Um, Audrina, if you could refer to the Best Friend Handbook issued in 3rd grade… that is, actually, what it means. When LC recaps the lunch for Heidi, Heidi quickly states “I don’t care! I have too many friends and too! little! time!” in the homestar runner Teen Girl Squad voice.

The girls later run into Audrina at Area nightclub. What the eff? Are there really only two bars in LA? Spencer and Brody are also there, each wearing one of those fetching chain necklaces that rich guys wear when they want to look street. One of Audrina’s friends proclaims Spencer to be “the ultimate cheese.” Clearly, she hasn’t met his wingman, who cuddles with Lauren on the couch and tells her “You look amazing.” “You have THE. most. beautiful. eyes.” in his best serial killer voice. Brody and LC take off for his condo, which looks a hell of a lot like the place where Spencer took Heidi to almost-impregnate her. (Is Spencer Brody’s Kato? Because that would be super). We get another taste of the Brody Magic: “I had an amazing time.” “I’m so glad I’m with you.” “I’m just being real with you.” “I love seeing you smile.” “You have a beautiful smile.” “I swear to god, there is no where else I want to be right now.” Ugh. I can think of a few places I’d rather be. For example, anywhere.

Next time: Spencer is a whore! Also, Pope reports catholic viewpoints and bears defecate in wooded areas.