The Hills are Alive! Season 2, episode 4 recap

Posted by Cristin February 7th, 2007 at 08:15pm In The Hills

Previously: Heidi turns 20, and gives herself–and all of us, really– the gift of making Audrina cry.

Our first poolside shot of the season! Show of hands–How many were hoping for Heidi in the princess leia gold bikini? Really? Alright then. You can come close in Stuff magazine, where the Heidster is making her own hills come alive (wait, did that joke make any sense?), referring to Spencer as her boyfriend/ manager (taking a chapter from Celine Dion’s book is always a good idea), and positioning herself as the next “very sexual” Pussycat Doll/ Gwen Stefani/ Fergi. Excuse me while I pre-order that from Amazon. Don’t laugh, I bought Lindsay Lohan’s little sister’s Christmas album this year. Yeah, you heard me. Back at the pool, LC comments that part of her wants to tell Brody that they should just be friends. “It bums me out, it’s like Jason broke me.” Along with about 15 laws relating to the possession of a controlled substance, but whatevs. To make her feel better, Heidi says that she and spencer are now “more secure in our relationship.” Which, I suppose, is a good reason for her to meet up with Audrina. Either that, or she’s looking for someone to fill this month’s quota for Vacant Stares and Incomplete Sentences.

At Bolthouse, Heidi asks for two days off to visit home for her mom’s birthday, and is granted permission by her ever-fashionably-disheveled boss. Once back at her desk, Assistant Max (who, to my knowledge, we’ve never heard from– Hi Max! Welcome aboard!) calls Heidi from his desk– which appears to be about 15 feet away in the same open room–and tells her that he got given the What For regarding the office dress code and that even thought Heidi “looks great and all,” he “{Doesn’t} know if it’s appropriate for office wear.” Couple things here, Max. Number one, you’re not a hot blonde chick who once told TeenPeople that she’s tried coke, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that you operate under a different set of regulations. Number two, she does nightclub PR, so that Ann Taylor Loft suit probably isn’t going to hack it, whereas the grecian white number she has on will. Number three, I’m sure if Capt Bolthouse had reason to take umbrage with her wardrobe, he would do so in front of no less than 20 people at the weekly staff meeting. Maybe you should concentrate on finishing that GED course instead of passive agressively trying to BRING MY GIRL DOWN.

Back at TeenVoid, LC rocks our favorite headband! I thought it was lost forever, like Heidi’s dog! “I’m not good at dating. I forgot how,” she complains to Intern Whitney. That’s right, you dated a lot in high school… no wait, you didn’t. And then that semester when you went away to San Francisco… nope, nothing there. But there was last year! Where you… were with JWahl the whole time. Right. They exchange some banter about Brody and his kissing ability before Whitney randomly comments “Maybe it was meant to be!” Wait, why? Because he… has lips? And… used them on her? So does that mean I’m meant to be with that whole pi lam pledge class from college? Huh.

Heidi and Spencer enjoy lunch together, where Heidi explains that she asked Brent about her outfit and he instantly okayed it, making Max all the more of a douche. Spencer remarks “I can’t wait to see little Max in the club to tell him HIS outfit looks inappropriate and he has to leave.” In the background, a member of the MTV production staff repositions a satellite so that the traffic patterns in LA will lead Max directly to Heidi and Spencer’s lunch table so that we can get the confrontation on tape. Heidi mentions dinner with Audrina and Spencer visibly pales, before seamlessly transitioning into the most remarkable act of groundwork-laying and ass-covering I’ve ever seen. “You have to think about her motives,” he tells Heidi, knowing that Audrina is about to rat him out and that he needs to counter-serve. When that doesn’t work, he goes with the perennial favorite “Can we just have a good conversation about how pretty you are and how cute your outfit is?” Heidi, bless her heart, happily redirects her goldfish-sized attention span.

And then Max shows up. In dog tags, and plastic orange aviator sunglasses. Spencer busts up to him and tells him to stop commenting on how Heidi dresses. “Everyone we hang out with likes how she dresses.” Good logic. When Max brushes by him, Spencer threatens to have him arrested for assault and Max, rightfully, calls him a tool. (you can smell your own, eh, maxine?) “Do you have ANY idea what I’m going to do to you, homeboy? You think you can call someone a tool in LA?” Spencer growls. Max is as confused by the region-specific comment as I am, and Heidi eventually wrestles Spencer into his car.

At the office, we get a scene that will later prove to have no relevance to the episode about Whitney cruising for party clothes in the fashion room. “I want to be, like, casual, but still…” she explains. “I like punk rock,” LC responds. “Me, too” Whitney agrees. I’m not making this up.

The Heidi/ Audrina Peace Summit commences with confirmations from Audrina that Spencer is not her type, and that he was just using her to make Heidi mad. She warns Heidi to be careful to him. “You don’t see how he looks at me, and you’re not there when we’re alone,” Heidi explains, using the defense of an 8th grader who went to second base against her will and then got ignored in the halls the next day. Audrina starts calender-bombing Heidi with times that Spencer had asked her out, prompting Heidi to pull out her day planner and consult to see if she had been with him at the time. I pray for an interior shot at the day planner (“monday- book stuff magazine shoot. Tuesday– women’s clinic appointment”) but am distracted by the fact that she needs a calendar to chart her 3 week long relationship. “You need to be careful with him,” Audrina echoes herself.

At home, LC and Heidi comb through the Audrina convo, with Heidi remarking “It’s hard when you have everyone in LA that you know saying ‘be careful.’ YOU know,” she adds pointedly. Yes, Heidi, everyone warned her about JWahl… but he sure proved them wrong! You should definately stay with Spencer! Later, while packing to go home, Heidi gasps in disbelief when she unearths a long lost pair of tweezers from her luggage. “It’s like finding GOLD!” She instructs LC to keep an eye on Spencer while she’s gone. “You are CRAZY jealous,” LC jokes. “I am SO jealous,” Heidi confirms. OR, you’re vaguely intelligent and perceptive and you know that your boyfriend is a scamming douche with no redeeming qualities. Perhaps.

Over at Brody’s, we’re offered a glimpse into how Spencer gets ready for his night on the town… by checking his myspace page. He tells us that while Heidi’s out of town, he “has Playmates rolling over” (“and playing dead?” I add in my head, before spending the next 20 minutes giggling at myself). Brody tells him that if he’s gonna date anybody, it should be Heidi and Spencer agrees “that’s my logic, but, it’s like, woah.” Man. That sound you hear is the National Oration Competition calling to book him and Whitney as panel speakers. The playmates arrive, and Spencer toasts “to the most beautiful women I’ve ever been in a room with.” Across town, Heidi has conveniently missed her flight and is setting a trap for her “secure relationship.”

At Area, one of the playmates explains “it’s going to be outside. Then I get naked, and have a picnic.” No one wants to hear about field day at your assisted living home, sweetheart. Spencer makes her pinkie swear that they’ll have their own naked picnic, and the two exchange faux marriage proposals. Heidi’s door spy spills the beans on Spencer’s companions (again, if you’re going to sneak around, is it wise to do so at your girlfriend’s place of business?) and Heidi confronts him to the tune of “aren’t you the sneakiest girl in town?” Meanwhile, Brody has LC locked in his passionate gaze and is monotoning “you just made my night. You really did. I’m serious,” he insists, seemingly unaware that LC hasn’t asked for clarification on the original statement. One of the playmates tattles about all of the game Spencer has been kicking, and Heidi and LC storm home.

At home, LC takes a phone call from Spencer while Heidi cries “Hang up! It’s fine! I’m over you!” in very close proximity to an empty wine glass and empty corona bottle. Spencer, who is so broken up over her departure that he stayed at the club with the naked picnicers, asks her to hand the phone over to Heidi and LC tells him “I had to pick up the phone, like I had to PICK UP my best friend and CARRY HER up the stairs,” which actually kind of gave me chills. Go on with your bad self, LC!

“I was really falling in love with him,” Heidi says. Three weeks will do that to a girl. “Don’t fall in love,” LC cautions. “Don’t fall in love with anyone here.”

Next week: NY Intern Emily arrives. The delicate balance of power at TeenVoid is upset.