A croissant sounds lovely right now. 

• Spike TV is planning a reality show where crime scenes are recreated and contestants have to guess who did it.  This was actually done a long-ass time ago on FOX as the show Murder in Small Town X where people had to live in a house and solve a murder mystery.  The whole town was brought to life by actors — just like Colonial Williamsburg only crappier and with murder.
• A Top Design judge used to be a pin-up. 
• Lesbian Commenter Mini-Mafia take heart!  Rumor has it that there might be a Grey's Anatomy spin-off starring none other than Kate Walsh.
• The new cast for Dancing With the Stars has been announced.  The contestants will be: N*Sync's Joey Fatone, Laila Ali (boxer), Billy Ray Cyrus, Heather Mills (model/Paul McCartney ex), Clyde Drexler (NBA), Shandi Finnessey (former Miss USA), Leeza Gibbons, Paulina Porizkova (model), Ian Ziering (90210), Vincent Pastore (Big Pussy from The Sopranos), Apolo and Anton Ohno (Olympic speed skater).  No Tucker Carlsons this time.
• MTV is changing the rules on its new Road Rules format. 
• Here's the trailer for the new Simpsons movie. 
• Trista and Ryan are pregnant.  Shrug. 
• House and Bones have been given the green light for next season .  Seriously?  Bones?  I don't even know anyone who's seen that show. 

American Idol men perform tonight for two freaking hours. My college acquaintance Tom Lowe will not be among them, however, because apparently he was the perfect storm of American Idol controversy. Also this means there will be no House. Tear.

So you have your fun, AI. I'll be watching Gilmore Girls hopefully keep up the momentum after last week's very sad but incredibly satisfying Christopher and Lorelai breakup. Now that it's over, I see why they decided to go there with that relationship, but it doesn't make any of this season's episodes any more enjoyable.

"Is that my shirt?"

Then there's the latest mystery on Veronica Mars, a continuation of last week's murder plot. My suspicion is that the person who killed the coach also killed Dean Ed and that he/she's a serial killer of some sort, based on Landry's lecture topic. Perhaps someone obsessed with the horrible time they had at Hearst. Like the girl who walked off the roof — Patrice! There's my guess. What's yours?

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: It's a re-airing of latest Disney Channel original movie — Jump In. My understanding is that it's a High School Musical with less music, which to me is straying way too far from the formula. Corbin Bleu, Troy's basketball friend in High School Musical, plays a boxer who joins a double dutch jump-rope team. No, I am not making this up. 

So, I had heard about Fox News' spin on The Daily Show, The Half Hour News Hour, and of course I thought it was gross.  Purely in theory it's gross.  But then I saw the real thing and it's just a hundred times worse than you could ever imagine.

Watch a promo for the show here. And then, once you've prepared yourself, watch this clip.

Okay.

You back?  Good.  You've got a little bit of vomit on your upper lip. 

First of all, the HHNH (almost the same name as a long-gone MTV show - The Half Hour Comedy Hour) is just not funny to an incredible degree and I feel like I can say that objectively.  If they had some sharp comedic digs for the left, I'd like to think that I could at least recognize it and take it in stride.  But no.  It's very Jay Leno-y schtick delivered by two unfathomaby smug anchors.

Much of the reason why the Half Hour News Hour isn't funny is because it lays bare the creators' fundamental misunderstanding of the other side.  Do liberals love cocaine?  I guess so, according to their portrayal. We also have some sort of fascination with gay penguins, I guess (or does just adding gay plus penguin equal comedy gold?).

I'm just waiting for them to scream "We hate gay people!  And Muslims!  Hell, we hate non-Christians!"  But you know it's not going to come to that.  They're just going to say everything but that. 

It'd be really easy to say that conservatives can't be funny.  Really easy.  But I don't know if I believe that.  What is clear, though, is that this show is not good from any standpoint.  If that is, in fact, the audience laughing during the segments, you can practically see their faces wincing from their strained over-laughing.

Dude, I didn't even know this girl and suddenly I found myself on her party bus.

• 
• First item of business: Jenna Fisher from The Office, Amy Poehler and Will Arnett (Arrested Development) are all going to be in a movie called Blades of Glory.  You might not know that because it's all Will Ferrell in the commercials.
• Finally, this isn't so much news as much as it's just awesome, but click here to watch a YouTube clip of Naveen Andrews (Sayid from Lost) break it down. (via Sour N Sweet)
• Kathy Griffin's dad, who was basically the star of her reality show, died.
• PR3 winner/jerkface Jeffrey Sebelia claims to be completely broke despite winning $100,000 through the show.  Fear not, though, for his adorable baby.  He's currently doing, get this, costumes for a Paula Abdul-produced movie based on the Bratz dolls.
• Colby Donaldson from Survivor: Australia will bring his prettiness to Rachael Ray's talk show.
• Caroline Rhea got canned from her Biggest Loser gig.  Some soap star who looks just like her will take her place.
• Lost's ratings have hit an all-time low — I blame the new time slot.
• This HR professional keeps a blog about The Office.  She tallies up how much liability Michael Scott and company rack up per episode — pretty fun stuff.  Plus she rallies around Toby.
• Lost crew members keep having heart attacks.
• Tracy Morgan pleads guilty in DUI case.

Previously: Audrina is granted re-entry to the secret clubhouse, and the promise of a naked picnic lands Spencer in the dog house.

Audrina is back in the frey, currently aiding and abetting Heidi in SpencerGate 2006. Heidi recounts to the girls the story of how one of the playmates at Area called Spencer her "boo" (I'm sorry, what? Is it sophomore year again? Are we on the set of a Nelly video?) and said she had plans to hook up with him. Audrina breaks the news that Spencer had given her the same set of flowers he'd handed to Heidi, and Heidi gets the Big S on the horn in order yell "You brought my roses to her the next DAY!" via speakerphone. MTV, apparently having used up the month's quota for closed captioning on "Juvies," also known as The Least Interesting Show Ever Made, doesn't give us text on Spencer's response, and he could be reciting the Aenid for all I know. I mean, I'm guessing he isn't, but still. "Don't ever get involved in someone that can manipulate you like that," LC solemnly instructs.

Over at TeenVoid, I am happy to realize that they have the same office phones as my company! Hooray! I wonder if it also took them 7 months to learn how to adjust the ringer volume. I'm not sure if Whitney has complete control over this whole opposible thumbs thing, so, probably. Editrix Love tasks them with helping for a dinner for 20 young designers. Flying in from New York will be the NY editor and her intern. "She's supposed to be incredible," Love tells them. "She's really hardworking and she's worked on events before." And, we can assume, didn't ditch the chance to go to Paris to hang out with her cokehead boyfriend. NY Intern: 1, LC: 0. The girls leave with the jobs of updating a spreadsheet and hand writing notes for the dinner. LC's penmanship leaves much to be desired, so Whitney offers to serve as scribe. The girls ruminate about what NYIntern will be like, and LC postulates "If she's anything like {editor} Jane, she'll be very…" she trails off, making a chopping motion with her hands. Very what? Into beheadings? "Precise?" Whitney offers. "Yeah. That's so not me," LC answers. "Agreed," Whitney says. Oh snap! Love the unintentional insults.

Not a very promising weekend for television. This whole post is pretty much we interrupt your regularly scheduled programming. But I'm including Monday because of the holiday, so that helps.

On Friday night, there's a Lifetime original movie from 1996, For My Daughter's Honor, which sounds delightfully cheesy if you enjoy that sort of thing. Alyson Hannigan's in it, and the girl who was Maggie in The Nanny stars. Please, please click on that link and read the user comments. I promise it's worth it.

On Saturday, they're repeating Justin Timberlake's latest SNL appearance, which, as everyone knows because we all saw it the first time, was awesome. The Disney Channel's playing the Lindsay Lohan Parent Trap. It's adorable. Shut up. TBS has Cheaper By the Dozen for the thousandth time, which I only mention so I know to avoid it like the plague to keep from falling into another Tom Welling coma. Best of all, WE is playing Girl, Interrupted and IFC has thirteen. Which troubled teen girl movie will you be watching?

Sunday's episode of Battlestar Galactica better be better than last week's, or there's going to be hell to pay from the internets. It's all about the Chief and Cally, so… okay. I love the Chief. But I love Helo, too, and that didn't really help last week. It's not a fatal blow to the series, but it is a little disheartening. So let's get back on track, Show!

Then Monday — lovely Monday. Ted's got to throw away some crap and Lily's in a play in HIMYM, and though it sounds a tad Joey to me, I dig it. Chris wants to go to Ghostbusters on Everybody Hates Chris — got to love those period details. Heroes introduces a new Hero (eventually they'll stop doing this, right? or do we even want them to?) and we're back with Ultimate Superhero Peter for a while. Jack gets really, really mad at Marilyn on 24, and for good reason. Why is everyone so stupid about their lives and the lives of their loved ones on that show? Don't they know the fate of the world depends on them being selfless?

And then there's Studio 60, the show that might have been, that continues to self-destruct in a fiery blaze. To paraphrase Lorelai Gilmore, "You're the show I want to want." Sorkin is a very good writer, but these are not lived-in characters with flaws and quirks; they're half an idea of a character. No one's thought these people through; no one's sat in a room and hashed out why and how these people are who they are: everything they do is forced on them without any thought or grace. Anyway, catch the infuriating madness before it's gone forever.

I told you before, and now it's finally here.  Maria Bamford 's new comedy special will air tonight at 10:30 on Comedy Central.

Here's a clip:

So tonight, after work, set your TiFaux before you take your disco nap.  Then wake up, head out and watch it tomorrow when you're hung over. 

Now I've made no secret about my fondness for Parker Posey and The Gilmore Girls. In it's day, Gilmore Girls had some of the best dialogue on TV. I edited Parker's upcoming movie Fay Grim and had a bit of a crush on her. When the creepy guy at the Toronto premiere Q&A asked if she would go on a date with him and actually gave his number to a festival employee on the side of the stage, I totally understood. She totally kissed me on the cheek once.

Ok, you're right Maggie. That's enough. Back to the story. Turns out Parker's going to be in a sitcom pilot produced by Gilmore creators The Sherman-Palladinos. My first thought was: Awesome! Parker was made to be in a Sherman-Palladino show. But then I read the details. "The Return of Jezebel James … centers on a successful children's book editor (Parker) who is newly single and, after learning she won't be able to conceive, asks her estranged younger sister to carry her baby for her."

Now I admit, "A young mother who's really close to her 16-year-old daughter has to make nice with her rich parents to get money for private school" sounds kind of crappy too, so I'm obviously reserving judgment until I see it. But I'm worried. Is the situation of this comedy really so contrived? Jezebel James? Is she a succubus or something? It's actually a traditional 4-camera sitcom, which is interesting. I hope they know what they're doing.

Also, the article claims Parker has turned down every pilot that was ever offered to her. Somebody's doing what President Bush calls "revisionist history." A quick check of IMDb would have led the Hollywood Reporter to the USA pilot "Frankenstein," which was broadcast as a TV movie but was actually a pilot for a USA series that never got picked up.

Don't bother making any plans tonight, because it's Ugy Betty, Grey's Anatomy, The Office, and 30 Rock, as always.

Jerry O'Connell and Lucy Liu guest star on Ugly Betty. And no more Walter! Yay! But Henry's got a girl! Boo! Did anyone else think, just for a moment, that Betty was going to start dating Henry and he'd turn out to be a crazy stalker? I don't want it to be true, but I wouldn't put it past this show.

It's the middle slog of the Grey's Anatomy thousand-part tragedy that I have yet to start watching. 

Joss Whedon directed this week's episode of The Office, which is just so exciting I'm almost crying. If it's 2% as funny as this ad, all is right with the world (thanks to Ali for the link). At first I thought that this was just a promo they had shot to be funny about the whole Joss Whedon/vampire thing, but apparently it is an actual part of the episode. Coincidentally.

And then there's 30 Rock. Favorite line from last week: "I prefer to be called a Law Stylist." Or something very close to that. 

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Seriously? None of that's good enough for you? Not even the Joss Whedon episode of The Office? Damn, you're picky. On CMT there's a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team marathon. There's a show on MTV called Juvies which sounds… interesting. Cristin — know anything about this?

That's what I saw last night. 

• Awww…  Masi Oka's trying to find Ms. Right.
• And Cheryl Burke from Dancing with the Stars is dating Joey Lawrence's little brother.  At first I thought, "Isn't she a little old for him?"  Then I found out she was 22 (!) and he's 27.  
• Maggie's not the only person who hated that Superbowl ad with the suicidal robot.  GM is going to edit it for future airings. 
• The head of the Cartoon Network resigned after that whole Boston bomb debacle.  And then they announced a bunch of new shows — lucky timing or savvy PR move?
• Kiele Sanchez, aka "Hey, I've been here all along Nikki" from Lost, has signed on to do another series.  That was pretty pointless. 
• Fox News is launching its own version of The Daily Show.  Because when you think comedy, you think Fox News.