Listen. I’ve been watching The Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search For The Next Doll. I know. I know. I might as well just take a steak knife and put it through the heart of my favorite tiny girl detective. I know I should leave that time slot vacant our of respect for the Veronica Mars hiatus, but there are 20 year olds CRYING on the television, wearing garters and saying things like “I just know in my heart that this is what I’m supposed to be.” And they’re saying it about The Pussycat Dolls! I can’t ignore material like this!

The four remaining Doll hopefuls have been sherpad through this “life changing experience” by one Robin Antin, the “creator and visionary behind the Pussycat Dolls.” (Every time I use quotation marks please know that I’m taking dialogue directly from competition host Mark McGrath. And while I’m pumped that Mr. Sugar Ray gets to fill out a W2 form this year, watching him do this is just horribly sad and depressing, like the scene where the pony sinks into the bog in The Neverending Story, or watching your 2nd grade teacher turn tricks). I’ve been trying to come up with a way to accurately describe Robin that doesn’t involve the phrase “Imagine if Atoosa Rubenstein and Skeletor had a baby, and that baby spent 4 hours a day in a tanning bed” but it’s just not possible (actually, can’t credit Marky Mark with that one, though it would be great for him to use that quote in place of “Fabulous job, ladies!” which he repeats about 7 times an episode while the producers crop the shot to exclude the gun aimed directly at his left temple). Robin is in charge of imparting years of wisdom into the doe eyed and extremely bendy contestants.

I can’t believe I went to Smith for this.

We’re in the home stretch with just three weeks left to go and four wannabes lined up at the door to the Doll House. My statistical assessment of each of their chances is as follows:

Asia

Pros: Named after a land mass.
Cons: Does annoying off-key Xxtina-eque vocal trills; takes herself entirely too seriously.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Because she refuses to eat any of the healthy CW-provided meals and orders in cheeseburgers every day, but still has the tiniest ass I’ve ever seen in my life. Also, was so That Girl That Everyone Hated in high school, the one you look for in awkward Maxim “girl next door” photo shoots so you can talk about how the mighty have fallen.
Why She Could Win: Affirmative Action; Because the world is an unfair place; because Lil Kim is one of the judges and she’s not been known to make good, well thought-out decisions.

Bad Melissa

Pros: Canadian. (Yes, this is how much I hate her)
Cons: Stepped to my girl Chelsea; has weird bangs.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Is Evil.
Why She Could Win: Because they could take her on only to have a Destiny’s Child-like OMG Someone Got Kicked Out scandal three months from now.

Chelsea

Pros: Is adorable; Is a genuinely good person; Is the kind of person you’d want to be friends/ sisters with; Recently lost 100 pounds; has adorable bangs.
Cons: Zero.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Has no dance background and difficulty with choreography.
Why She Could Win: Can actually sing; Doesn’t suck at life.

Good Melissa

Pros: Strong singer and dancer; looks great when standing next to Bad Melissa.
Cons: Isn’t Chelsea.
Why She Shouldn’t Win: Because I want Chelsea to.
Why She Could Win: Has actual talent.

As you probably have guessed by my clumsy attempt at a post title, tonight’s Lost flashbacks belong to Juliet. Last week’s episode was strong, though if I never see another television-character participating in a con again I could live in peace for the rest of my days.

And, oh joy!, a new Mythbusters airs tonight. In an episode description that makes me pre-emptively giggle, Adam and Jamie try to put out a fire by yelling at it.

South Park is new tonight as well, with an episode focused on Ms. Garrison.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: The lives of cheerleaders — endlessly fascinating whether you’re in high school or just very fond of Bring It On. WE has a series called Cheerleader U, a reality show about cheerleaders at the University of Kentucky. They’re airing a marathon and a new episode tonight.

As a commenter pointed out, I screwed up the bracket. My apologies to everyone who’s already voted. This is what happens after I try to make polls after a bottle of wine. I’m afraid I have to scrap the polls I posted last night and put up new ones. Check the tournament page in a few minutes for the updated polls.

Not a lot of time for sassy asides today.

• Top Design ends tonight and Shear Genius begins.
• Paris and Nicole gave campers enemas on The Simple Life 5. Who are these parents?
• Danny Bonaduce’s wife has done the inevitable: filed for divorce.
• NBC has ordered six more episodes of Friday Night Lights.  I suppose this show must be good.
• Some dude from Smallville is going to be on Sci Fi’s new Flash Gordon series.
• David and Patricia Arquette interview about being on Medium.
• Major league jerkface Arnold Schwarzenegger will be on Pimp My Ride.
• Bravo will have a new reality show about exes setting each other up on blind dates.
• New Ask Ausiello!  Good stuff on Grey’s and Lost.
• The Advocate speculates that Felix Gaeta on Battlestar is a big gay.
• Nigeria has its own Top Model show.
• In case you’re interested, the script for the pilot of I’m in Hell has leaked online.