Tifaux Dan has kindly pointed out that it’s TV Turnoff week. I’m sure you don’t need me to kindly point out what a god awful idea that is. Also, even if I did abstain for a week, I would then just spend all of Sunday snuggled up to my DVR so, bite me, TV Turnoff Week. Technology: 1, Well Meaning Parents: 0. I think in honor of Ye Olde Turnoff week you should instead watch as much television as humanly possible, and make sure as much of that as possible is reality programming, because I can think of nothing that would upset them more at Turnoff HQ than knowing you’re cozied up to Taquita & Kaui instead of reading Anna Karenina. (Also, I spelled “Karenina” right on the first try, so TV couldn’t possibly have rotted my brain yet. Random Luck: 1, Well Meaning Parents: 0).
I’ll be the first to admit that there’s a ton of crap out there and that it’s hard to throw around the phrase “Good, quality, reality tv” (I’m looking at you, Katie and Peter. Does anyone actually know who these people are? Don’t say yes or I’ll call you unpatriotic and make freedom fries jokes like it’s 2005 all over this bitch. And you’re not off the hook either, every show on Bravo that isn’t Top Chef or Project Runway, particularly the one about weird people who cut hair. I’m starting to think that all of the decisions over at the House That Queer Eye Built are based on how many puns they can squeeze out of the show’s theme {Lather, Rinse, Compete! This is your final cut!}, which is a mildly satisfactory reason for casting a hairdresser who refers to himself as Dr. Boogie {Yes, Doctor. He didn’t spend 7 years at medical hairdressing school to be called “Mister,” thank you very much}. As the result of this, I find myself constantly searching for the next profession that Bravo will pounce on, but the best I’ve come up with is a show where music snobs show up to be mentored by DJ AM {of Nicole Richie fame! C list name recognition- check} as they race to produce the perfect playlists for wacky fake occasions like Britney Spears’ funeral or the marriage of an Olsen twin {challenges that won’t ever help your actual career- check} before being harshly critiqued by Lindsay Lohan and Pharrel {celebrities vaguely associated with the profession- check} and ultimately asked “Any Last Requests?” {puntastic tag line- check}. I don’t have a name for it, but I’m thinking… stay with me… Top DJ).
In case you’re still reading after all of those parenthetical asides, let me get to the brunt of this– there is good reality TV on. I promise. Here’s your homework for TV Turnoff Week:
Celebrity Fit Club
Premiered last night, soon to be replayed ad nauseum by VH1. I’ve dabbled in The Fit before, but I can already feel myself committing to this season. From the Picture Worth A Thousand Words school of thought:
And from the I Can’t Say Enough About How Ridiculous This Show Will Be school of thought: Not only did Fit Club sign on Screech himself (who, in episode one, made the Philosopher King statement “I battle with truth and logic, so I can never be wrong.” And just to clarify, he meant that his weapons of choice are truth and logic, not that they are deamons constantly haunting him and his robot Kevin), they also got Tiffany, Warren G (who needs to REGULATE his waistline {okay, take me out back and shoot me}), and a guy I’ve never heard of named Cledus who hasn’t been inside a grocery store in two years because they give him panic attacks. And they’re citing Dustin Diamond as the one who’s going to become the Bad Ass to end all Celebrity Fit Club Badassness, which I just have to see.
The Springer Hustle
This doesn’t quite make it into the Life Affirming category of reality tv (and yes, there is one– I’m getting there), so much as it’s fascinating because The Springer Show is still on air. And it’s time that the nation finally understood exactly what goes on behind the scenes (Cliffs Notes: Lots of yelling and baiting of rednecks). I was on the fence about this until last night’s episode when they were listing accolades in Producer Toby’s portfolio and he was credited with formulating my Favoritist Springer Show Ever, the one with the little person klan members that came on and yelled WHITE MIDGET POWER at the audience. I might still have this on VHS, next to 8 pounds of mardi gras beads and information on the morning after pill in that box of stuff I still have to unpack from college.
The Girls Next Door
If you don’t spend enough of your day saying “Wait… really?” over and over in your head, this show is for you. I don’t know how they’ve magically edited it so that I actually believe that Hugh Hefner and his 3 twenty something girlfriends function as a normal and healthy family, but I do. I don’t understand why he pulled Kendra, the trashy one with the horse laugh, into the holy trinity, but I’m so captivated by Bridget (who shoots rainbows and unicorns out of her ass and appears to be a real life version of Tara Reid’s character in Josie & The Pussycats, who would cry whenever someone told her that all puppies will someday grow up to be dogs and then get old and die) and Holly (the alpha female). It’s like the perfect storm.
Run’s House
You’re going to think I’m being snarky when I say that I consider this show as the most shining example of how American families should be, but I’m not. Not even a little. In a time when MTV’s going through an ironically adolescent identity crisis, trying to figure out what they should be (more shows about surfers! The kids love surfers! Also, get those Engaged and Underage kids back on to talk about marriage more! That should hold us through June!) they hit the nail on the effing head with this one. Not that I’m giving them any credit for how amazing this family is, just for being intelligent enough to air it and sensitive enough to treat the tragic death of a newborn that opened this season with the care and the grace that it demands. And, yes, I’m a little swayed by the fact that they live near my hometown and occasionally stop by my local B&N (”Who goes to B&N for fun?” one of the kids wonders at one point. People who think TV Turnoff Week is a good idea, that’s who. Coming Full Circle: 1, Well Meaning Parents: 0), but mostly I’m completely enraptured with how they’ve built such a strong support system and kept all of their children, who range from their twenties down to single digits, so involved in the family and not in, you know, various prisons spanning 4 states (well done, JWahl). I haven’t loved MTV so much since Rob & Big.
Peter Petrelli was getting his head sawed off by Sylar. Presumably. All we really saw was bloody skin and a fallen lock of hair, but we all know where this is going. If you recall, Peter was visiting Mohinder after Simone done got shot. Mohinder, who just finished doing painful experiments on Sylar, had been nailed to the ceiling. Or glued to the ceiling. Or adhered in some way so that he was bleeding onto the floor all disgustingly.
Remember who’s also in Vegas? Hiro. And Ando. They were getting into their trademark screwball antics while trying to acquire Hiro’s sword. Just as they were about to get caught, Hiro manages to teleport them elsewhere (you know how in Mega Man, you can either get the life pellets when you shoot the robots or you can get the weapon pellets? Well, the sword is like Hiro’s perma-weapon pellet. Also, have I proven my nerd credentials?). So Hiro and Ando blast off into future New York which is just as blown up as it was the last time Hiro was in the future.
