As Dan posted this morning, the FCC wants to be able to regulate violence on TV. They already have naughty words and naughty pictures, but they don’t currently have the power to fine evil broadcasters for showing people hurting each other.

Why does the FCC want this power? It’s because somebody has to protect our children. As everyone knows, there were no bad things in the world before the invention of television, and if children weren’t constantly exposed to images of violence or sex, the world would be restored to its prelapsarian perfection.

Ok, that’s a straw man, but my real point is, why should we all have to suffer just because parents don’t want their kids seeing bad stuff? Yeah, kids shouldn’t watch 24. I’m not sure anyone should watch it anymore, but the show has never been suitable for children. There are lots of ways parents can keep their kids from watching shows they find objectionable. They can use the V-chip, which apparently is built into all new TVs, and many cable boxes, although apparently nobody’s using it. The truth is though, even the most vigilant parents can’t stop kids from watching the content they want to watch. If we’d had a V-chip in my house when I was a kid, I would have had to show my mom how to set it up.

So if we can’t stop these wily kids from watching bad stuff, does that mean we need more regulation and fines to solve the problem? No!!!! I mean, it’s hard enough dealing with the FCC now when all they have control over is sex and bad words. What kind of artificial demarcations will we get with violence? Is it OK to show a fist-fight, but only if there’s no blood? If an on-screen explosion kills dozens of people is it safe as long as we don’t see any bodies? Can a gun be fired on camera? Do you really want the government to make these decisions for you?

And to make matters worse, they want to expand oversight to cable TV. Now, everyone knows that cable television is one step away from showing man-on-dog orgy/snuff films, and they get away with it because (and this is so sneaky) people choose to pay for the privilege to watch cable TV. Any innocent can accidentally turn on a television that is accidentally hooked up to an antenna receiving broadcast signals, so we can’t allow filth over the air, but you actually have to jump through quite a few hoops and pay a hefty fee to choose to receive cable programming. If you don’t want that stuff on your TV, you can stop paying your bill, and it will magically go away.

One potentially good thing to come out of this would be a la carte pricing. The argument is, “yeah I pay for cable, but I only want EWTN and Nickelodeon. It’s the evil cable company that makes me get all these filthy channels like FX.” I can see that point. I have about 7,000 cable channels. I probably watch 15 of them. And 5 of the ones I want to watch don’t come in at all thanks to our deadbeat cable company, Time Warner Cable. Now, if I could save some money by only paying for the 15 channels I want, that would be great news. If the cable companies are only forced into it to stave off the threat of content regulation, oh well.

You know, I just spent all this time pontificating, when The Onion has already done it so much better with satire: Study Finds Cable-TV Violence Leads To Network-TV Violence.

May sweeps is almost upon us and that will likely spell R-I-P for at least a few of our friends on the small screen. Last year, we said goodbye to Misha Barton’s character on The O.C., Ana Lucia and Libby on Lost and, I presume, more than a few folks on 24.

This year promises to be no different. We’ve already lost Heroes’ Isaac, as he was crucified and lobotomized (in that order) by Sylar on Monday’s episode. And, from what I hear, the rivers on Lost’s remote island will run red with heaps of dead castaways. I think someone’s even going to die on Grey’s — but it seems like Meredith’s return from the dead may be pinpointed as the show’s shark-jumping moment, so who really cares?

So here’s a little charty on who I think will die versus who we wouldn’t mind not hearing from again. A few explanations follow.

A bit of rationale:

Burke – My grand “he’ll kill himself because he can’t be a suuuurgeon!” theory is pretty much dead in the water at this point. And as much as we’ve all acquired a distaste for Isaiah Washington, if they haven’t killed off him or another central cast member so far I don’t think they ever will.

Hiro – He will never die. Ever. And that’s how it should be.

Charlie and Desmond – I can’t decide if they’re trying to fake out the audience with this Charlie death stuff. Are they going to have a magical fate reassignment somehow? Or are they going to be all “you can’t fight the future” (wait — wrong show)? Maybe they’re going to throw us a curveball and have Desmond die instead. After all, he isn’t one of the original survivors and Lost loves to kill the newbies.

And Cristin helps me out with the 24 forecasts:

Milo – Milo is new this season and recently confessed his love for co-CTU employee Nadia. We all know that’s the kiss of death (heyo!), particularly since Nadia just stepped up as his boss, and will be able to put him in many situations where he could perish in the line of duty and he could feel suitably guilty.

Morris – Our favorite member of the Chloe O’Brien love triangle (Milo and his weird facial hair being the other), Morris was forced into a life changing Sophie’s Choice early on in the season where he was made to arm nuclear weapons for a terrorist group in order to save his own life. 24 would never allow death for someone who could, instead, live out the rest of their life under the crippling weight of such guilt.

Doyle – First, you are played by Ricky Shroder. Who elects to be listed as “Ricky” in the credits. Second, we like killing off “Big Name” season guest stars (see also: Sean Astin). Lastly, you are a douche, and people keep referring to what a lunatic you were when assigned to Denver . You’ll either make a large-scale mistake that you thought was ballsy enough to warrant the risk and die honorably, or Jack will have to kill you in the line of duty.

Back in the good old days

Lost has been great lately, don’t you think? They’re still finding interesting ways for the characters to bond together or break apart, and for the menacing shadowy conspiracy to be explained and not explained at the same time. As I may have said before (and possibly stole from someone else), watching the show is like unraveling a sweater that’s being knit from the other end. Sometimes frustrating, but most of the time it makes for good surprises. Tonight’s episode focuses on Sun and Jin and their miracle baby.

The Mythbusters take on ninja myths, which are almost as good as pirates. Still crossing my fingers for the wizards and dragons.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: This one’s for Cristin — RSPCA: Have You Got What It Takes?, on Animal Planet. The title of this show may be trying a little too hard.

So I met my idol last night and he signed my book and was very nice. But then I realized my whole body was shaking, so I decided to excuse myself.

• Stupidhead FCC wants to take away our TV violence.
• Mark Harmon is pissed and might quit NCIS — which is still on the air.
• Everybody say heeeeeeeeey — TCM is celebrating gay pride.
• Producers are stockpiling scripts in case of a writers’ strike.
• Heather Mills got eliminated on Dancing With the Stars.
• That show Kitchen Confidential from a million years ago will be coming to DVD.
• E!’s Kristin talks about the House romances. And she also has some spoiler news.
• Speaking of spoilers — Ask Ausiello is new.
• Woody Harrelson to return to TV?
• Battlestar Galactica + The X-Files = a miniseries on Lifetime, of course.