Back in the good old days

Lost has been great lately, don’t you think? They’re still finding interesting ways for the characters to bond together or break apart, and for the menacing shadowy conspiracy to be explained and not explained at the same time. As I may have said before (and possibly stole from someone else), watching the show is like unraveling a sweater that’s being knit from the other end. Sometimes frustrating, but most of the time it makes for good surprises. Tonight’s episode focuses on Sun and Jin and their miracle baby.

The Mythbusters take on ninja myths, which are almost as good as pirates. Still crossing my fingers for the wizards and dragons.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: This one’s for Cristin — RSPCA: Have You Got What It Takes?, on Animal Planet. The title of this show may be trying a little too hard.

So I met my idol last night and he signed my book and was very nice. But then I realized my whole body was shaking, so I decided to excuse myself.

• Stupidhead FCC wants to take away our TV violence.
• Mark Harmon is pissed and might quit NCIS — which is still on the air.
• Everybody say heeeeeeeeey — TCM is celebrating gay pride.
• Producers are stockpiling scripts in case of a writers’ strike.
• Heather Mills got eliminated on Dancing With the Stars.
• That show Kitchen Confidential from a million years ago will be coming to DVD.
• E!’s Kristin talks about the House romances. And she also has some spoiler news.
• Speaking of spoilers — Ask Ausiello is new.
• Woody Harrelson to return to TV?
• Battlestar Galactica + The X-Files = a miniseries on Lifetime, of course.

Only one week to go until Veronica’s back.

Let’s have a small word about last week’s Gilmore Girls. I was so glad to have them back, even if the episode felt a little uninspired (like this season). But if Rory Gilmore gets one more awesome accolade handed to her, I will punch something. Even absurdly amazing girls* like Rory fail sometimes. Everyone fails, because the world is not perfect, and sometimes meritocracies don’t work or there’s just someone better out there. The fact that she never, ever fails at anything makes her so much less interesting and relatable. Anyhow, tonight: I’m still excited about having new episodes.

From the description, House tonight sounds like there’s a lot of intrigue. I won’t spoil anything, but the Wilson/Cuddy date thing is obviously going to be an issue, and the mystery sounds more Foreman-centric.

The Honorary Cristin and Dan Selections: Pussycat Dolls and Work Out.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Is anyone else terrified by the MTV show Scarred? I know I’m not exactly their target demographic, but I’m pretty sure even when I was a kid I didn’t like seeing other people get seriously injured. But then again, I probably wasn’t their demographic back in the day, either.

*A maddening article you probably don’t want to read anyway hidden behind the TimesSelect wall.

… on the “war on terror.”

Cheney. Bush. Get it?

Linderman suggested last night that the small loss of life in the blowing up of New York is worth it for Nathan to become president and unite humanity in fear. Oh really, Lindy? It’s pretty clear that the show doesn’t agree with the L-man’s assessment: the ends don’t justify the means, and it’s sickening to think you could use this tragedy to become president, further your agenda, take away people’s civil liberties, etc, etc. I think you get where they’re going with this.

Frankly, though I cheered when I realized what they were doing, I was surprised the show went there. I love Heroes, mostly for its tight, imaginative storytelling, but I’ve never thought of it as a particularly socially-conscious TV show. Sci-fi often (always?) has an allegorical and sometimes political bent, but this particular show seemed more interested in the human drama than the wide-ranging implications of whatever’s happening in the world.

Maybe it’s inevitable that a show about people who are “different” and in some way persecuted should become political, with at least similarities and comments upon the real world. I guess I didn’t expect it to be so incredibly obvious a connection. In a show like Battlestar Galactica, the ways that the story comments upon real life are often shifting and subject to interpretation: Sometimes we’re the Cylons, sometimes the Cylons are terrorists, sometimes there isn’t a one-to-one comparison to be made. At its best, good sci-fi can make you question your assumptions about what’s happening in the real world.

I’m not sure that Heroes has gotten to that point yet — so far, the story they’ve proposed doesn’t have that layer of ambiguity. But I’m excited to see what they do and glad they’re going for it.

In other news, Peter has a new hairdo.

Makes him look older. Rowr.

I’m going to see David Rakoff tonight. I’m afraid I might pee in my pants.

• Bryan Fuller, one of the guys behind Heroes, talks about Zach and his would-be gayness.
• The New York Post compares the premise of Heroes with the graphic novel “Watchmen.”
• Playing Lost audio backwards will not make the show any clearer, but people do it anyway.
• Beware, all ye who enter: season finale spoilers.
• One of the crazy Bachelor ladies is in hot water from her students’ parents.
• Tim Gunn counters reports that they haven’t been able to find any good designers for Project Runway 4.
• For American Idol — poverty is out of sight, out of mind.
• The most recent dead Hero talks to TV Guide.
• The Tudors’ Jonathan Rhys Meyers enters rehab. Shares bunkbed with Britney?
• Ugly Betty’s America Ferrera is doing another Traveling Pants movie.
• Some answers surrounding Joan and Melissa’s dethroning from the red carpet come out.
• The three surviving members of the A-Team will reunite on British television to contact the dead dude.
• Is the Sci-Fi Channel doing a good job at attracting non-nerds?
• Confirming what everyone else pretty much figured, the New York Post says that Screech is a douche.
• A Lauren Graham interview — take it or leave it.
• Jesus Christ! Disturbing photos of “J-Wahl” playing Russian-fucking-roulette.

 Here’s a fun graph from your webmaster:

These are our daily “unique visitor” stats since March 1st. I’ve removed the numbers so you can’t tell how popular we really are. Notice the fairly stable traffic pattern leading up to all hell breaking loose. It was fun to hit ridiculous single-day records like on April 11, but it’s nice to see the numbers going back down. We’re still getting hits (and votes. sigh…) on the tournament pages but things should be back to normal soon. I hope a few of you out there were lured in by our tournament honey pot and stuck around for the incisive and witty commentary you found on the rest of the site. But for the majority of the tournament commenters, don’t let the electronic door hit your avatar’s ass on the way out.

It was really fascinating to see the fervor that certain fans had. Once we turned on IP logging I assumed cheaters would give up. But people actually went through the trouble of using proxy servers to fool our software into thinking they were a different computer. I know some of you consider that cheating, but honestly if you’re that dedicated to making sure Michael Vartan makes it to the next round, your vote should be counted more than once. I mean, it’s not like anything was actually at stake here. We just wanted to have some fun.

And there will be more fun in the future. I’m going to work on ways to add more interactive features like the Tournament, and there will certainy be more tournaments of different kinds. Maybe the next one will be designed to be less appealing to 14-year-old girls.

The best thing about this whole process: it was our highest-grossing month ever! Not that any of our new visitors bought a shirt or anything, but quite a few of you clicked on our lovely contextual advertisements. We might actually get paid by Google this year!

When we last left our Heroes (hehe), Claire was on the run with the help of Peter’s mom (!), Mohinder was on the ceiling, and the world was probably going to blow up any day now. Tonight, more stuff! I’m avoiding spoilers, so you’ll just have to read them yourself, or live in the moment.

Now that this season of 24 is drawing to a close, it’s safe to say that it hasn’t really lived up to the previous ones. Are we just sick of the concept? Are the writers? Or, optimistically, are they lulling us into a sense of false security so they can blow our minds in the finale?

Hey, Everybody Hates Chris is back! Watch it instead of How I Met Your Mother, which is a repeat. On second thought, HIMYM is a repeat of the Robin Sparkles episode, so that’s kind of a toss-up.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: NBC, the network most often referred to as “classy,” has decided play against type and give up on classiness altogether by airing The Real Wedding Crashers, the most terrifying idea for a reality show ever. Look, just because the bride and groom are in on it doesn’t make it any less stupid, uncomfortable, and (most likely) unwatchable. Almost makes you think Aaron Sorkin had a point.

Now that the networks have decided to go feast or famine with new episodes — going for weeks and weeks with reruns and then airing several new shows in a row — who the hell can remember what is going on? Especially with many of the top dramas having big ensemble casts and interweaving plotlines, it’s totally confusing. I love my stories as much as the next guy, but do you remember what Harriette was doing on the last episode of Studio 60? Didn’t think so.

In any case, here is the first in a series of refreshers on what was happening when we last saw our friends on the small screen.

Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

Peter Petrelli was getting his head sawed off by Sylar. Presumably. All we really saw was bloody skin and a fallen lock of hair, but we all know where this is going. If you recall, Peter was visiting Mohinder after Simone done got shot. Mohinder, who just finished doing painful experiments on Sylar, had been nailed to the ceiling. Or glued to the ceiling. Or adhered in some way so that he was bleeding onto the floor all disgustingly.

So, who’s going to save Peter? Nathan? Invisible Scottish guy? I’m not really concerned. Because Peter and his doe eyes are going to be around for a while (remember Future Hiro on the time-stopped subway saying “You look different without your scar.”).

Truth be told, it’s probably not going to be Nathan that saves Peter because he’s out in Vegas with a real horrorshow Linderman. Last time we saw Nathan, he was deciding whether or not he should shoot the shadowy mobster (he didn’t). Nathan’s in cahoots with the FBI, you see, and pain-in-the-ass Niki/Jessica surfaces to warn him that Linderman knows that. (PS - is there a rule that on nerdy serial drama shows, the most useless female characters have to be named Niki?) Also, Niki/Jessica has just killed the FBI agents that Nathan was working with.

Remember who’s also in Vegas? Hiro. And Ando. They were getting into their trademark screwball antics while trying to acquire Hiro’s sword. Just as they were about to get caught, Hiro manages to teleport them elsewhere (you know how in Mega Man, you can either get the life pellets when you shoot the robots or you can get the weapon pellets? Well, the sword is like Hiro’s perma-weapon pellet. Also, have I proven my nerd credentials?). So Hiro and Ando blast off into future New York which is just as blown up as it was the last time Hiro was in the future.

In other, less interesting news:

• Isaac psychic-painted his own death by Sylar-style lobotomy.
• Parkman and Radioactive Man are locked up by Eric Roberts (I think — am I wrong on this?).
• Claire ditched the Hatian and found out that Grandma Petrelli has known about her all along.
• Mr. Bennet got duped into exposing his non-loyalty to The Company by sexy shape-shifter lady and now is in a world of trouble.
• Eden is still dead. But at least she had a totally cute haircut.

Tifaux Dan has kindly pointed out that it’s TV Turnoff week. I’m sure you don’t need me to kindly point out what a god awful idea that is. Also, even if I did abstain for a week, I would then just spend all of Sunday snuggled up to my DVR so, bite me, TV Turnoff Week. Technology: 1, Well Meaning Parents: 0. I think in honor of Ye Olde Turnoff week you should instead watch as much television as humanly possible, and make sure as much of that as possible is reality programming, because I can think of nothing that would upset them more at Turnoff HQ than knowing you’re cozied up to Taquita & Kaui instead of reading Anna Karenina. (Also, I spelled “Karenina” right on the first try, so TV couldn’t possibly have rotted my brain yet. Random Luck: 1, Well Meaning Parents: 0).

I’ll be the first to admit that there’s a ton of crap out there and that it’s hard to throw around the phrase “Good, quality, reality tv” (I’m looking at you, Katie and Peter. Does anyone actually know who these people are? Don’t say yes or I’ll call you unpatriotic and make freedom fries jokes like it’s 2005 all over this bitch. And you’re not off the hook either, every show on Bravo that isn’t Top Chef or Project Runway, particularly the one about weird people who cut hair. I’m starting to think that all of the decisions over at the House That Queer Eye Built are based on how many puns they can squeeze out of the show’s theme {Lather, Rinse, Compete! This is your final cut!}, which is a mildly satisfactory reason for casting a hairdresser who refers to himself as Dr. Boogie {Yes, Doctor. He didn’t spend 7 years at medical hairdressing school to be called “Mister,” thank you very much}. As the result of this, I find myself constantly searching for the next profession that Bravo will pounce on, but the best I’ve come up with is a show where music snobs show up to be mentored by DJ AM {of Nicole Richie fame! C list name recognition- check} as they race to produce the perfect playlists for wacky fake occasions like Britney Spears’ funeral or the marriage of an Olsen twin {challenges that won’t ever help your actual career- check} before being harshly critiqued by Lindsay Lohan and Pharrel {celebrities vaguely associated with the profession- check} and ultimately asked “Any Last Requests?” {puntastic tag line- check}. I don’t have a name for it, but I’m thinking… stay with me… Top DJ).

In case you’re still reading after all of those parenthetical asides, let me get to the brunt of this– there is good reality TV on. I promise. Here’s your homework for TV Turnoff Week:

Celebrity Fit Club
Premiered last night, soon to be replayed ad nauseum by VH1. I’ve dabbled in The Fit before, but I can already feel myself committing to this season. From the Picture Worth A Thousand Words school of thought:

And from the I Can’t Say Enough About How Ridiculous This Show Will Be school of thought: Not only did Fit Club sign on Screech himself (who, in episode one, made the Philosopher King statement “I battle with truth and logic, so I can never be wrong.” And just to clarify, he meant that his weapons of choice are truth and logic, not that they are deamons constantly haunting him and his robot Kevin), they also got Tiffany, Warren G (who needs to REGULATE his waistline {okay, take me out back and shoot me}), and a guy I’ve never heard of named Cledus who hasn’t been inside a grocery store in two years because they give him panic attacks. And they’re citing Dustin Diamond as the one who’s going to become the Bad Ass to end all Celebrity Fit Club Badassness, which I just have to see.

The Springer Hustle

This doesn’t quite make it into the Life Affirming category of reality tv (and yes, there is one– I’m getting there), so much as it’s fascinating because The Springer Show is still on air. And it’s time that the nation finally understood exactly what goes on behind the scenes (Cliffs Notes: Lots of yelling and baiting of rednecks). I was on the fence about this until last night’s episode when they were listing accolades in Producer Toby’s portfolio and he was credited with formulating my Favoritist Springer Show Ever, the one with the little person klan members that came on and yelled WHITE MIDGET POWER at the audience. I might still have this on VHS, next to 8 pounds of mardi gras beads and information on the morning after pill in that box of stuff I still have to unpack from college.

The Girls Next Door

If you don’t spend enough of your day saying “Wait… really?” over and over in your head, this show is for you. I don’t know how they’ve magically edited it so that I actually believe that Hugh Hefner and his 3 twenty something girlfriends function as a normal and healthy family, but I do. I don’t understand why he pulled Kendra, the trashy one with the horse laugh, into the holy trinity, but I’m so captivated by Bridget (who shoots rainbows and unicorns out of her ass and appears to be a real life version of Tara Reid’s character in Josie & The Pussycats, who would cry whenever someone told her that all puppies will someday grow up to be dogs and then get old and die) and Holly (the alpha female). It’s like the perfect storm.

Run’s House

You’re going to think I’m being snarky when I say that I consider this show as the most shining example of how American families should be, but I’m not. Not even a little. In a time when MTV’s going through an ironically adolescent identity crisis, trying to figure out what they should be (more shows about surfers! The kids love surfers! Also, get those Engaged and Underage kids back on to talk about marriage more! That should hold us through June!) they hit the nail on the effing head with this one. Not that I’m giving them any credit for how amazing this family is, just for being intelligent enough to air it and sensitive enough to treat the tragic death of a newborn that opened this season with the care and the grace that it demands. And, yes, I’m a little swayed by the fact that they live near my hometown and occasionally stop by my local B&N (”Who goes to B&N for fun?” one of the kids wonders at one point. People who think TV Turnoff Week is a good idea, that’s who. Coming Full Circle: 1, Well Meaning Parents: 0), but mostly I’m completely enraptured with how they’ve built such a strong support system and kept all of their children, who range from their twenties down to single digits, so involved in the family and not in, you know, various prisons spanning 4 states (well done, JWahl). I haven’t loved MTV so much since Rob & Big.

Is there really an occasion where leopard print isn’t appropriate?

• Three guys have been arrested for stealing the skull off the front of the Road Rules RV.  I feel like it has been stolen like seventeen times before.
• Somebody got named The Apprentice.  And, for the record, it has been the least-watched season yet.
• Laura Dern is going to be on Ellen today. A rainbow-colored star to anyone who remembers why that’s special.
• Boooo!  BOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
• Newsweek writes about the Simpsons movie.
• The abusive cycle continues.  Rob Thomas: Veronica Mars is not gone quite yet.
• TV Guide purports to have some big spoilers.  Wouldn’t know, haven’t looked.
• SaraRamirez — Callie from Grey’s — is going to record an album.  Produced by Eric Idle.  I have no idea.
• USA Today talks to Jason Sudeikis from SNL/30 Rock.
• In “yeeesh” news: Jason Priestly is going to direct one of the final episodes of 7th Heaven.
• Dean O’Dell’s alive!  And he loves the earth! Actually, it’s just Ed Begley Jr. and his green-loving show. Weirdo Darryl Hannah will be on next season.
• Kristin Cavallari will have a Web-based reality show about her LASIK surgery. Don’t everyone all click this link at once.
• I guess Celebrity Fit Club debuted yesterday. Contestants include Da Brat, Marcia Brady and Screech (who probably should have thought about this before shooting that porno).
• Slate talks about why Thank God You’re Here isn’t real improv.