Now, eagle-eyed members of the Colbert Nation know that this is in fact an outdated version of the “On Notice” board, but this will have to do. For the purposes of this rant, we’ll call this the “Dead to Me” board. That’s right Time Warner Cable, you are dead to me.

Oh sure, you’ve provided analog cable channels with little to no trouble since I moved into my apartment 3 years ago, but I don’t want just any old cable. I want the cable I pay exorbitant monthly fees for. First there was Turner Classic Movies. We don’t talk much about TCM here on the ‘Faux because it’s a movie channel, but goddamn do I love me the TCM. And what did TWC think of TCM? TWC couldn’t care less about it! It’s among the weakest signals in the lineup (along with MTV2 and Noggin). I never found out what happened at the end of She Done Him Wrong, and I missed dozens of great movies because the channel was unavailable.

Well Nation, what do you think I did? I called Time Warner Cable and asked them to fix the problem. They sent people out to check the lines, fiddled around a little, and told me it would get better. It was something I’d just have to live with. This was after I had already ditched the spotty Roadrunner Internet service for the rock-solid Verizon DSL.

But in February I bought a lovely HD plasma screen, with the express intention of watching high definition television. I am, after all, a sometime contributor to a television blog. And cable is the best way I know of to get HD content without paying an arm and a leg. Just an arm will do for TWC. Well, what do we discover upon plugging in the fancy new Scientific Atlanta 8300HD DVR? We don’t get ABC HD, FOX, HD, CW HD, or NBC HD. We get a gray screen. For some reason we get CBS HD with no trouble whatsoever, which is great for the 30 minutes of CBS programming we watch in a week.

7 weeks and 5 technician visits later, we’re in the same situation. The last guy told us we needed to have cable rerun from our neighbor’s house 2 doors down and he’d make sure there was a crack team of contractors sent out right away. So we actually got the keys from them and I waited around all day. You know what I got? One technician, who had no idea what I was talking about, and refused to take the fire escape to get into our backyard. He left, claiming that his supervisor would call me. I don’t believe these people even have supervisors. There has been absolutely no continuity between visits. They start over from scratch every time, assuming I don’t know what I’m talking about and re-doing all the things the last guy did.

I’m considering switching to satellite, since then I wouldn’t have to coordinate with my downstairs and 2-doors-down neighbors every time I need someone to run a wire. But for some reason none of the big guys have CW or PBS HD. I suppose that won’t be much of a problem if VM and Gilmore Girls get canceled. But I don’t want to end up like my mother who doesn’t get local channels when there are leaves on the trees. Do we have any NYC readers with HD satellite experience out there? I am going out of my mind.

Scarlett Johansson hosts Saturday Night Live again. Is she promoting a movie, or does she have nothing better to do? (And was that too mean?)

Prior to SNL, NBC is running a Heroes marathon. Remind yourself who these people are and get psyched for Monday’s new episode.

On Sunday, Masterpiece Theater is airing the BBC’s Bleak House, which Kyle and I rented a few months ago and can wholeheartedly recommend. It’s dramatic and weird and heartfelt and funny; you’ll like it. And it was nominated for approximately a million Emmys.

Planet Earth on Discovery airs two more episodes on Sunday: Caves and Forests.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Henry Rollins interviews Ben Stiller, and Ryan Adams performs, tonight on IFC. Also, Wife, Mom, Bounty Hunter premieres on WE. Also on WE, on Saturday, there’s a show called America’s Cutest Puppies. Followed by Adventures in Doggie Day Care. For real. And on Sunday, Dean Cain stars in a made-for-TV movie about those damn kids and their dangerous street racing, or something like that.

I’m making guacamole as soon as I get home.  I swear to God.

• If you watched The Sopranos this past Sunday you probably noticed the weirdo song they played at the end. The music blog I Guess I’m Floating did the footwork in figuring out what the song was: “Evidently Chickentown” by John Cooper Clarke.
• In shtick news, NBC is doing a scratch and sniff, super-sized My Name is Earl.
• Sharon Osbourne is officially replacing Brandy on America’s Got Talent.
• The fate of Law and Order is up in the air.
• A blind item brain teaser from E!’s Kristin.
• Creature Comforts — a stop-animation film-turned-series — look adorable and will air this summer on CBS.
• Corey Haim and Corey Feldman are going to have a reality show on A&E. It will be called “Corey and Corey: A Can of Beans in an Abandoned Railroad Car.” No it won’t.
• Have a look at the first three minutes of the next Veronica Mars!
• Gillian Anderson decides to shit where she once ate.
• Michael Ian Black got his own show on Comedy Central. I’m excited. No, really.
• Big ole’ Gilmore Girls spoiler right here.
• The tour of shame continues: Isaiah Washington makes sure he won’t get an Emmy snub.
• The White House Correspondents Dinner will have a People’s Table that will include Tim Gunn, Sanjaya Malakar, Valerie Bertenelli, Eddie Izzard and someone whose initials are Z.E. from a certain teen musical. I just don’t want certain folks googling this post and OMG/LOLing it.
• Judah Friedlander talks to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette about hats and stuff.

Here we go again.

The high-pitched squealing you’re hearing across the country is due to the return of Grey’s Anatomy. Everyone’s still all upset about Izzy and George (Gizzy? Zorge? No?), so that’s going to be “fun.” Or “world-weary sigh-inducing.” One day, I will find the strength to leave this show. Who knows. It might be today.

Ugly Betty is also new tonight. This is a show that I don’t miss when it’s gone, and I’m never that excited about when it returns. But I always end up watching and enjoying myself, though I couldn’t tell you why, once it’s over. It can’t just be the combined sassiness of Marc, Amanda, and Justin, can it?

The Office is a repeat, but 30 Rock — in its fabulous 9:00 slot — is brand new, and features Jack’s new love interest, Phoebe, she of the “avian bone syndrome.” “You probably don’t remember me…”

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: I’m tempted to tell you to watch ESPN’s NFL draft special, but I can’t stop laughing long enough to try to make that sound convincing. How about ESPN2′s Contender Challenge, which I gather is some sort of boxing match? Eh? Or ESPNClassic’s Holyfield/Foreman match? (Do you call it a match, in boxing? I wouldn’t know.)

I don’t really have anything to say about television right now — but there is a lot of fun music coming out these days. So let’s discuss.

Last night I bought me a copy of Laura Veirs’ new record Saltbreakers. I’ve just started getting into it, but I can tell it’s a winner already. She’s got an unusual vocal style — sort of casual and flatly delivered — but I really like it. It’s far from syrupy or affected.

Her latest album was Year of Meteors, which was sort of a cosmic, electronically-inflected folk outing. From what I can tell so far, Saltbreakers is a bit more diverse but has a similary mellow feel.

She’s also a really good songwriter and talks about science a lot. Veirs was a former geology student.

Here’s the video for Cast a Hook:

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/yZGheh28D7o" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Our long national nightmare is now over.

• Get the Planet Earth DVDs for $42. Relive the carnage.
• Mark Burnett says he’s going to take The Apprentice somewhere else if NBC cancels it.
• Sanjaya’s gone on AI — hopefully this will damage ratings.  Also, the suits on the show deny that the show is one big glass closet.
• Laguna Beach might be cancelled.  In other breaking news — Laguna Beach is still on the air.
• The Henry Rollins Show is back on IFC.  This week’s guest was Peaches, singer of “Fuck the Pain Away” and “Lovertits.” True story: I saw her perform lewd acts on stage at the Siren Music Festival on Coney Island.
• Joan and Melissa are out and Lisa Rinna is in for the red carpet at the TV Guide Channel. I can’t imagine how they thought that was a good idea.
• Neil Patrick Harris came out to avoid a “witch hunt.”
• Isaiah Washington to play a sexually abused priest.
• Lots of gay in the news today: there’s going to be another fabulous coming-out on the show Brothers and Sisters.
• Clyde Drexler is refershingly candid about how happy he was to be voted off Dancing with the Stars.
• Is House slowly acquring Hugh Laurie’s traits?
• According to Jenna Fischer, she and Angela Kinsey are BFF.

Tom Welling (“Clark”/Smallville) and Kristen Bell (“Veronica”/Veronica Mars)!

There will be more on our illustrious winners later. For now, kudos, and thanks for voting. It’s a proud day for the CW — last in the ratings, but first in our hearts.

It seems like only yesterday that I was declaring my love for Desmond, the best of the Lost lot. He’s back tonight with more flashbacks, and most likely some flash-forwards, too. I mean, what’s not to love? He’s tortured and well-meaning, and he even manages to make the conversation tic that should be annoying (“brother”) endearing. Also: Lost is fun again! Way fun!

New Mythbusters. Truck full of birds. I leave it to your imagination.

And finally, homeless people as zombies on South Park. Naturally.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: Last week’s first episode, followed by a new episode, of yet another Bravo Project Greenlight/Project Runway/Top Chef/Top Design clone, Shear Genius. Unfortunately the title of the show always makes me think of this.

Tonight at around 11:00 PM Eastern Standard Time we will be declaring the winners of the TiFaux Madness tournament, thus concluding a month of what most of us consider to be true, unbridled madness. There have been shocking twists and turns, questionable sportsmanship, a complete lack of commenting etiquette, and even a few fun victories for the underdogs. We laughed, we cried. Etc.

We have two very close races right now — at the time of this posting, Wentworth Miller is barely edging out Tom Welling, and Alyson Hannigan has a tiny lead over Kristen Bell. So get your votes in before 11:00 PM Eastern Standard Time.

And then, for fun, watch this.

A welcome change from coffee.

• Buy the Buffy Collector’s Set for $100 from Amazon. It’s got seasons one through seven plus bonus material.  [update: sold out.  Boo!  Hiss!]
• Pirate Master — the pirate reality show — debuts May 31. Read this: “The wannabe brigands dress in period costumes, eat such yummy authentic food as gruel — the officers get better rations — and are ruled over by an elected captain who assigns roles to the crew members and can be overthrown if he doesn’t treat his crew well. Mutiny, anyone? Each week at ‘Pirate’s Court’ — which are, according to Burnett, modeled after actual tribunals — a player is cast off the ship and set adrift on a raft. ‘If you can’t run with the crew, if you can’t swim or row or navigate, you’re a liability.’”
• Bookie odds on the next death on The Sopranos.
• Drive is a dud.
• David Mamet does Ford ads. And next, David Lynch does the new Mentos spots?
• Read the first chapter of Tim Gunn’s book online.
• The next Survivor will be filmed in China.
• Nothing official yet, but I’m just saying, prepare yourself for Veronica Mars to be cancelled. But at least new episodes begin May 1.
• An AV Club interview with Battlestar’s Ron Moore.
• If you can’t wait to watch Painkiller Jane, click here to watch the pilot.
• A new Ask Ausiello is up. Spoilers about death on Lost and the future of Veronica and Logan.
• This Washington Post article about pre-empting primetime for news coverage rubs me the wrong way.