All the upfronts talk and Cristin’s post have served to remind me that the regular season is coming to a close. There are only two more episodes of Heroes left this season. I don’t want to get pessimistic, but I’m pretty sure — what with all this peripheral nonsense NBC’s got planned, and a general sense of desperation conveyed by their relentless marketing — that Heroes is going to have a major backlash in either quality or viewer response next year, so enjoy these two episodes even more with that in mind.

That’s what we probably should’ve done with last season’s 24, but how were we to predict the show’s incredible decline? Jack Bauer continues his busy day tonight. Terrorists. Spies. Yawn.

In the most drawn-out television wedding I can recall (counter-examples? anyone?), it’s Marshall and Lily’s reception tonight on the season finale of How I Met Your Mother. Oh, and thank you, show, for explaining Marshall’s hat.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming: American Experience on PBS profiles Alexander Hamilton, which I only mention so that I might direct you to this: Who shot Alexander Hamilton? That, in turn, has inspired me to find this, which I may like even better. [kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/fVCfd1YF6j4" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

As those of you with long memories may recall, I effing love the upfronts. It’s like Christmas, only you don’t get to open your presents for four months. Those four months are for building anticipation for what may be totally awesome and may also suck. You just don’t know! Hooray! So let’s begin.

NBC is first up today, with five new dramas and one comedy. My first impression is that Chuck and The Bionic Woman are going to be must-sees. I mean, Katee Sackhoff (Starbuck) is in The Bionic Woman! Granted, she is not the Bionic Woman, but still. And Mae Whitman (her?) is in it, too. Nice nerd-bait casting there, NBC.

I am not at all psyched about Lipstick Jungle, having had just about as much Candace Bushnell as I can handle. Life and Journeyman sound merely eh.

As for the comedy, it’s another adaptation of a British show called The IT Crowd, slated for midseason premiere. I have no sense one way or the other about this, except that Joel McHale is in it, and I adore Joel McHale, so I wish him well.

In the WTF? category, I think this Heroes: Origins idea is terrible, just because it probably means that we’ll have to deal with even more irritating promos. That show’s awesomeness and the amount the promos suck are just about equal; it’s surprising they don’t cancel each other out.

Any other thoughts on the Jerry Seinfeld Bee thing, or Scrubs’ shorter season, or the reality shows, the descriptions of which I did not read?

I know all you smart people with actual attention spans are mourning the end of sitcoms and dramas and shows with “plots” that “require a base level of human intelligence” but as we get into season finale, uh, season, all I can think is: Summer reality shows! BRING THE PAIN!

Specifically:

Rob & Big comes back for Season 2– May 22.

Listen, Rob & Big might be one of the best shows on TV. This show does for friendship what Run’s House does for family. This show will make you want to call your best friend from elementary school and tell them how much they mean to you (see also: Bridge to Terabithia the movie). This show (it appears) will now include a mini horse as a member of their household:

And now, time for a needless aside where I can show off the useless information gained at the very expensive pony summer camp I begged my parents to send me to: You have horses and you have ponies. Ponies are basically short horses, they are not BABY horses. They’ll never grow up to be horses. Then you have minis, which are basically horse midgets. They won’t grow up to be ponies or horses, they’ll just stay tiny and goat-sized forever. I have no idea how genetic engineering handled this, I’m guessing it came from the same lab that gave us Mini Dobermans. Whoever did it, though, I applaud you! What an excellent use of resources! Look how tiny and cute that mini is!

Also, in my experience, the mini can be one bad mothershutyourmouth. The one farm I rode at that housed minis had to keep them in a pasture separate from the “real” horses because the minis would do stuff like biting them on the ankles then running away. Is this awesome and hilarious? Yes. Does this mean you should keep this animal in your living room? No, Rob & Big, you silly bastards! But I love you anyway! See you May 22!

Also on the tifaux: CBS’s pirate reality show. Is this a terrible idea? Yes. Am I your exact target demographic and will I therefore be watching it anyway? Yes.

My eyes feel scratchy.

• Surprise, surprise — ABC picked up Private Practice. Read about the rest of its upfronts here.
• Survivor ended last night — click here to find out who won.
• Which reality show has a more terrifying title: Rapping with the Stars or Farmer Wants a Wife. Rapping with the Stars is scary just because it sounds so embarassing. But Farmer Wants a Wife is scary because, well, it sounds like some hayseed is tired of putting a skirt on a goat and calling it Eileen.
• Adrianne Curry, one of the luckiest people alive, complains about all that hasn’t been handed to her.
• Law and Order will continue for its 75th season. Criminal Intent, meanwhile, will suck it up and move to USA.
• Luke from Gilmore Girls talks to TV Guide.
• The hairy mole that is King of Queens has been removed.
• Age of Love takes a semi-famous tennis player and makes him decide whether or not he’d want to date an older woman or not. Yeesh.
• A spoilery interview with the guy behind How I Met Your Mother.
• October Road and Notes from the Underbelly got renewed.
• In bullet-dodging news, The Office’s 4th season will consist of 24 episodes, 4 of which will be one hour long. This could definitely work.