…but you really should.
Here are some things that happened on last night’s MTV Movie Awards:
- Instead of the fun, well-produced movie parodies the MTV Movie Awards are known for, MTV decided to become all Web 2.0 and hold a viewer contest for a movie parody. This led to three of the worst movie parodies I have ever had the misfortune to see. Two of them were so bad they made me not want to watch television or speak to humans ever again, and the other was slightly less bad but also pretty offensive (I personally was not offended, but I was also drunk). Luckily the offensive one won. I guess?
- As if they weren’t already affronts to art and mankind, the terrible, terrible clips were introduced by Dane Cook.
- Will Ferrell and Sasha Baron Cohen made out and rolled around on the floor. Whatever. I don’t have the energy to figure out what that means.
- Speaking of straight men pretending to be gay, every time I see anything related to the Worst Idea for a Movie Ever (and there was a lot of Sandler et al in attendance), I lose a little more of my faith in humanity.
- Jack Nicholson won best villain, went on stage, and made everyone feel really, really bad for him by mumbling a lot and trying desperately to be cool. Jack Nicholson is old, you guys. Let the poor man drink his gin in peace.
- Things that were, for the most part, tolerable, and occasionally, quite charming: Sarah Silverman, Jaden Smith and parents, Mike Myers, Shia LaBeouf, Mandy Moore and John Krasinski, Seth Rogen, Human Giant. Everyone else was an ass.
- If the producers knew what was good for them, there would’ve been way more Zac Efron and way less Cameron Diaz. I mean this literally: Cam needs to put on some pants.
- I obviously should’ve given up on this show sooner, but instead I kept drinking. Which led to some inspired proclamations, for example, “Hey, you know what the problem is, Kyle? I figured it out. MTV is the establishment. They’re the man. These are all the cool kids going around talking about how cool they are. This makes me sick.”
I might’ve linked to the Human Giant bits, but I don’t want to encourage anything to do with this event. I feel dirty even talking about it, because I’ve just made some programming exec’s dream come true: “It’ll be totally integrated with web content and strategic marketing, and all the blogs will be talking about it.” Yuck.
It’s time for Pride and Turner Classic Movies is gaying it up all month with Screened Out — old movies you probably haven’t heard of featuring lead and supporting gay characters. It’s Broadway-belting boys and fifties-era women’s prisons — can’t top that in terms of gay content.