Yo Ho Ho and a lot of needless production costs
No less than 14 people have emailed me over the last month to direct my attention towards the impending arrival of the Pirate Master reality tv show. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate this. For some reason, my mind keeps blocking it out and it just barely made it into my Tifaux “record all episodes” list before the premiere… almost as though part of me is trying to save myself from an awful viewing experience… huh… wonder what that’s all about.
I originally thought Pirate Master was going to be Survivor on a boat with lots of bad puns, but it’s more like The Real World/ Road Rules Challenge on a boat with lots of bad puns and a bunch of tools. The “plot” is complicated to the point where I’m not totally sure what they’re after… there’s some locked chest with 14 compartments, each of which will be opened with keys found at the end of individual pirate missions. Or something. And it’s based on the legend of Captain Henry Steele. Or something. But this isn’t really about history, or gold, or boats, or peg legs, or parrots, it’s about the enormous douches who decided being on this show was a good career or life decision.
“Fishing Dock Operator” Louie, I’m convinced, is Survivor’s Rupert without the tie-dyed tshirts. He looks like the guy who knows how to slit your throat to keep you from screaming as you shuffle off this mortal coil.
“Auto Parts Salesman” Jay quickly offered “I’m kind of a pirate every day. I’m in sales. I’m providing a service, but I’m also relieving them of their money.”
“Musician” Ben states “I just graduated. This show is the best opportunity I’ve ever had.” That sound you hear is Ben’s parents crying over the tuition money they spent trying to give their son… what’s the word… opportunities?
We also have Christian, a former NFL running back, Cheryl, who thinks her legal background will give her a leg up (”I’m a deputy district attorney which gives me a lot of insight to the game. Pirates are criminals.” Tell that to Jay), Joy, the receptionist who pukes over the side of the boat, Sean, the token hot guy who claims salt water is in his blood (sucks to be your phlebotomist), Alexis the fashion publicist, and Joe Don, the firefighter with two first names. Oh, and my favorite.
This is Ben. Or, as they like to call him, “Ben: Scientist/ Exotic Dancer.” What a logical combo. In fact, my school had a very popular double major in just that.
The pirates are split into two teams and paddle off towards land on their first mission. Someone shouts “land ho!” as they approach, while someone else lets out a “Eureka!” Wrong reality show, my friend. The mission involves following a map to a painfully planned set of landmarks, and the pirates joyfully raft the river until they come to the Skull and Sword crossing, and depart for a trip through the brush once they come to a skeleton hanging in a cage. If I were really, really needlessly rich, I would totally set up something like this once a year and have my friends do it on my birthday.
Eventually the Scientist/ Exotic Dancer is the one to retrieve the treasure chest for his team. He has a surprisingly easy time pulling it from the bottom of the river up onto the boat, considering it contains $40k in gold coins. The random host of the show with a vague New Zealand accent explains the respective values of the various coins and they count their loot.
Then things get interesting! Or, as interesting as they’re going to get on this ship. The winning team elects Joe Don captain, much to the dismay of the Stripper Who Found The Treasure. AFTER the election is over, they learn that Joe Don and the two “mates” he’s picked will receive the vast majority of the treasure, leaving everyone else with a measly 2 grand. The captain also has to wear the pirate overcoat and tricornered hat, so I guess it’s even, but Alexis The Fashion Publicist, along with her fellow scurvy dogs, are still upset.
Joe Don and his mates are then tasked with selecting 3 pirates for pirates court. They pick Scary Louie, Joy the puking receptionist, and the Scientist/ Exotic Dancer. All of the pirates are now forced to vote off one of the three, or mutiny and overthrow Joe Don as the captain. A mere majority will remove one of the pirates court pirates, but you need a unanimous decision for a mutiny. Also, there’s no time for deliberation among the voting pirates, so coming up with a unanimous mutiny is going to be nearly impossible. Is this needlessly complicated? Yes. It’s just pirates, guys. Let’s have more rum and less psychological warfare next time.
The Scientist/ Exotic Dancer senses that he’s about to be “cut adrift” (there’s no plank walking, to my disappointment) and, in a rather pirate-y move, steals the only 2 compasses on board. When given the chance to plead his case, he triumphantly pulls the compasses from his pocket and announces that if he goes, they go, and calls for a mutiny. Joe Don rambles on about navigating by the stars and, even though he’s unable to actually tell which way is east when asked, the pirates fall for it, and find their ship with one less Scientist/ Exotic Dancer than it set sail with.
2 comments June 8th, 2007