Top Chef: The south, apparently, will not rise again

Posted by Dan June 27th, 2007 at 10:51am In Top Chef

Previously on Top Chef: Micah won the first quickfire challenge, Tre won the first elimination challenge, Brian chose to cook two — count ‘em — two kinds of snakes and completely grossed me out, Howie forgot the frog legs, and Clay couldn’t cook his way out of a paper bag (what?).

Credits, credits, credits — have you noticed that the product placement is a little more ham-handed than it normally is? The contestants are basically forced to simulate sex with pieces of Gladware in an effort to prove how awesome it is.

It’s the morning after the elimination and everyone is struggling. Brian’s still smarting from being in the bottom four, as is Howie. Howie says he’s going to win this time and prove himself to everyone (foreshadowing: no, he isn’t). By comparison to Micah, though, everyone else seems to have the energy and sunny disposition of a coked-up Hannah Storm. We see the girls lure her out of bed and then, when she gets to the kitchen, flip both birds to the world. Mornin’ sunshine.

Meanwhile, we watch Sandee go through her morning mohawk-forming ritual. It’s strange, you know, to see people with badass haircuts go about the mundane maintenance of their ‘dos. She’s got to blow dry it, gel it, spike it — it’s a lot of work. It makes you appreciate the work that Hot Topic employees go through to make their inner pain visible. After all, black lipstick doesn’t just apply itself.

Cut to the Competition Kitchen where there’s a giant produce stand that must have taken a coterie of interns all day to arrange. The stand is filled with limes, lemons, oranges and every other form of citrus you could possibly imagine (Brian says it’s “gorgeous” — which strikes me as a weird adjective, but whatever turns you on). Next to it, stands Padma and a dad-ish looking guy named Norman Van Aken, who it would seem is the czar of Florida citrus.

Padma (this scene’s fashion choice: a dainty white top with one of those big honking belts that all the LA types wear) announces that the quickfire challenge will involve making a citrus dish. That’s it. You have 15 minutes — go.

The exciting music starts and the chefs start running around. Micah says she has no ideas and that she had more direction when she was dealing with geoduck and monkfish liver. I can totally understand this, since I’m pretty convinced that the imposition of limits is a great way to fuel creativity.

Hung (oy!) talks about he and Tre are the ones to beat. I mean, it’s probably true at this point, but I suppose he’s that requisite competitive reality trash talker that casting directors find infinitely appealing. Hung says he’s definitely going to win and everyone else has a “slummy” dish.

One thing I find funny about this quickfire challenge is that despite all product placement there is a little segment of Sandee and Hung complaining about how all of the GE-furnished equipment sucks.

Anyway, on to judging the dishes. Padma and Norman make the rounds. Sandee made an orange marmalade-encrusted something or other, but also made a mojito with a gigantic tropical plant growing out of it. C.J. freaks out about stray seed making it into his dish, and admits (when asked) that it wasn’t a choice and that the seed just got away.

Sara Nguyen finally makes her way onto the scene this episode and made a shrimp dish for the challenge. Whereas last episode her only reason for existing was to say “And then we went to the hotel. It was great!”, this week she is presented as a basketcase — freaking out at every opportunity and convinced that nothing will go right. And in the quickfire nothing does go right, as she craps herself under the pressure and can barely explain her creation.

Joey (who, in case you forgot, is from New York) impresses Norman with a watermelon -flavored shooter alongside his dish. Cut to a clip of a Machiavellian raise of the eyebrow by Hung. Remember that for later.

Despite that, Hung wins the quickfire, to which he responds that he never expected anything less. And I impale myself on the nearest implement on which one could impale oneself. I guarantee you that Hung is going to get nothing but worse, being weirdly proud of his smugness. On the reunion show he’ll try to play it off with the old “I didn’t come here to make friends, I came here to win” chestnut.

That said, he can cook. Which, I suppose, is what this show is about.

Joey’s pissed that he wasn’t in the top three. You know — New York pissed. Micah, Sara N. and Sandee are in the bottom three.

There’s really no segue or downtime after the winner is announced until we find out about the elimination challenge. This week’s challenge is to make an upscale barbecue — simple as that. The whole thing makes me feel inferior at my own cookouts in recent weeks, as I think I’m hot shit because I put cilantro, grated onion and Worcestershire in my burgers. And then grill them in my overgrown backyard that is a stray hubcap away from being the ultimate white trash haven.

At the grocery, everyone bum rushes the butcher counter. This is a meal for 60 people, so everyone’s doing a lot math in their heads about how many pounds of protein they’re going to need, how they can stay within budget, etc. There’s a lot of attention given to red meat, but Brian heads straight for the seafood.

While all this is going on, Micah is wandering around the produce section like a ghost of herself. She says she wants to be with her daughter Matilda (aww…). During this segment, it occurs to me how her South African accent sometimes just sounds drunk. Hung says to not use her daughter as an excuse for being sad. God, shut up.

Back in the kitchen, Sara N. is making a Vietnamese beef BBQ with Scotch bonnet peppers that allegedly set her hands on fire; Hung has indicated he doesn’t care about immunity and is out to win (and by “out to win” he means sprinting around the kitchen recklessly and breaking things); and Brian has decided to make a seafood sausage which involves scallops in a blender.

Tre is making a peach BBQ salmon. Working off his depiction as a perfectionist, he says bluntly “I don’t lose.” One thing I like about all these alpha people in one place is that all of them have to lose except one. And I love seeing people fail when they perceive themselves as dominant. That said, I like Tre. So whatever.

Prep time’s over.

It’s morning and the resident beefcakes are doing push-ups. Well, Tre and Hung. Tre’s even doing the supa-beefcake push-ups where he has his legs elevated.

Joey and Sandee are hanging out on the balcony discussing the challenge. After Joey departs, Sandee gets her own workout on by (I swear to God) doing hotshot kung fu fighting. Now, she’s probably doing actual tai chi-ish moves that are based on her intensive study of Asian culture. But I choose to believe that she’s fighting invisible robots and gremlins and that’s the way she prepares for the day ahead.

And, for the record, doing so would make me love her that much more.

Brian and Hung decide that they’re going to get all gussied up for the challenge and put on nice shirts. It’s going to be a show.

Cut to the beach and people wandering around with their hot Miami bods.

They’ve got their product placed grill chips and charcoal and Sara N. is at a loss over how to start it up. C.J. is chopping on a low table (next to one of those girls who I, for the life of me, can’t tell apart yet) and is hunched over like an arthritic Medieval shopkeeper. He says that this is the only time he wishes he was 5′3 — “no offense, hon.” And with that my crush is sealed — be afraid C.J. And I don’t even usually go for tall guys.

Tom begins his tour of the contestants’ progress where he, if you recall, is not going to be a mentor. Tre is plugging right along and says he could do this in his sleep; Brian is keeping his sausage a surprise (does that sound dirty? Good.); Joey is heating his drumsticks and Tom says it isn’t very upscale.

The judge entourage, plus Norman, arrive along with the random people who will be making up the party (Padma fashion choice: a clownish bluey, purpley affair). It appears to be made up of mostly gay men with well-fitting, colorful shirts. And the women who love them. I’m guessing these are either a) friends of the producers, or b) members of the gay-controlled media.

Everyone’s cooking up a storm. Lia wins the award for the dish I want to eat the most (cilantro-marinated shrimp… mmmmmm…). Padma says Brian’s dish is very nice. He seems to be doing a little dog and pony show along with the cooking. Talking to the guests and charming them in some way perhaps? Telling stories about his soul patch? I don’t know.

Also, Camille talks about her swordfish. And, completely honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever seen Camille in my life. I don’t recall ever seeing her on the season premiere or at any point until now. And I watched the first episode twice. For all I know, she walked off the street and put on an apron and just hoped no one would notice.

In less green pastures, Sandee’s vanilla-poached lobster has come under fire for not being BBQ-y enough and Howie’s nervous because his meat is dry.

Joey says he hears Howie’s dish tasted like sawdust. To that, he follows up by saying the first of many things that make no sense at all. This time, it’s: “You do something like that in New York and you’re going home.” The more you think about it, the less sense it makes. And I’ve thought about it a lot.

In other news pertaining to Joey complaining, he’s also pissed because of Hung’s drink — a watermelon champagne beverage (think back to where we first saw that). Which brings us to the second and third things Joey says tonight that make no sense. First, he says that Hung is a kiss-ass (no he’s not, he’s a copycat). And he also kvetches, “That’s why he moved to Vegas, because he couldn’t handle New York.” Which just doesn’t make any sense at all. Perhaps the editing is being unkind to him and what he’s saying actually makes sense in context, but I’m kind of inclined to think no.

Casey confirms that he is a pain in the ass.

Judges table.

Everyone agrees that this is going to be tough. No one really dropped a bomb this round, and everything was generally quite good. Padma goes into the kitchen and calls in Brian, Micah and Sara N. She waltzes in like a funeral director or a passive-aggressive schoolmarm, but she’s clearly just trying to make it ambiguous as to whether they’re the top or bottom three. But — lucky, lucky — they’re the top three and they’re all pretty surprised.

Going around, Sara’s light-headed, Brian seems a little impressed with his own eccentricity, and Norman tries to make Micah cry by talking about her daughter. In the end, though, it’s Brian’s win.

They head back in and Sara tells Tre, Joey, Howie and Sandee that they’re up next. Lining up before the panel, they find that Tre had seasoning problems (Gail brings up that whole ‘I could do it in my sleep remark’ and Tre retorts something about a ‘bad nightmare.’ Oh Tre.) Joey digs his hole a little deeper by confessing that the chicken he made is a family recipe. And, to that, Gail comments that it’s not very upscale. Howie explains how he went wrong and laments his dry meat. Sandee is shocked to be there at all.

Joey is asked who should go and he says Howie. There’s some back-and-forth and Howie says Joey shouldn’t point fingers because that’s not leadership. And I have to give Howie some credit — despite his propensity to choke during challenges, he is really good at digging himself out of holes at the Judges Table.

Back in the kitchen, Joey picks a fight with Howie and says, nonsensically (#4), that he should “step up and be a man.” Howie is having none of it, though, and basically wins the shouting match.

A decision is reached and even though it looks like it it’s going to be Howie or Joey going, it’s Sandee for the lack of BBQ-y-ness of her lobster.

There’s a heartbreaking moment when Sandee walks through the door and the rest of the contestants are — for some reason — given the impression that she was spared the axe. Apparently, Sandee has been bestowed the title of Ms. Chef Congeniality and everyone was happy that she’d be sticking around. The beginnings of applause peter out when Sandee hangdoggingly explains that she’s going home.

For those of you keeping track, it’s People From The South-0, Everyone Else-2.

G’bye Sandee.