Top Chef’s back. And since I need something to do to keep me off the streets, I’ve opted to recap this season. That said, I reserve the right to skip episodes without warning, phone it in with a three paragrapher or drop the venture entirely if I get tired. These aren’t threats — I’m just saying that this is free pop culture/comedy/time killing labor, so I can do what I want.

Lovely to see you too. Let’s dive right in, shall we?

Padma’s back this season, so that gives her a sense of permanence within the series. She’s not a one seasoner (remember Katie Lee Joel? Yeah, me neither). She still has a strange demeanor — like the most sultry robot you’ve ever seen — but you can tell she knows food pretty well, she’s got opinions and her wardrobe will always entertain. Furthermore, ever since I became aware of it, I’ve now become fascinated with her scar.

This season they’ve moved the competition from L.A. to Miami and the impact so far is negligible.

People start arriving at the airport and the introduce themselves. Sara M. makes cheese and therefore wins my heart; Lia is from Brooklyn and that’s about it for her; Micah talks about how cooking is art and then says something about Michaelangelo; Howie’s big and bald and talks about how he’s not interested in socializing.

Clay describes himself as the “dark horse” because he didn’t go to culinary school and he’s from the south; we learn nothing about Sara N. the entire episode except that she’s foxy and she exists; Brian is also kind of hot and wears a soul patch and silly hat that make him seem like should be auditioning for Top Ska Band; Tre seems good-natured and has an embarassing tattoo down the inside of his forearm that reads “gottahavepassion.” Nonetheless, he is very proud of it — so I say god bless.

C.J. is distractingly tall and, in the biggest non sequitur of the episode says that he is a private chef because he is a cancer survivor (huh?). Much like my colorblindness has inspired my non-career of television blogging.

Dale is gay and has a mohawk. Sandee is gay and has a mohawk. It’s weird.

We’re not even halfway through the first episode and there are two contestants I’m already sick of. Number one is Joey who greets us with unexpected and unneeded hostility, dropping f-bombs left and right as he explains that he is Italian and from New York. Take every negative connotation of those two characteristics and there you have it. The second contestant is Hung, who describes himself as a “certified professional asshole.” We already know from the Season One Vs. Season Two Showdown that he’s friends with Marcel from season two (best known for his freestyle rapping and being socially maladjusted) — so that should speak volumes on its own.

The contestants meet and greet at a lavish buffet and soon enough Padma and Judge Tom emerge to welcome them. Tom starts off by emphasizing that he’s a judge and not a mentor — I’m guessing for two reasons. First, so people won’t think he’s Top Chef’s secondhand Tim Gunn and, second, it’s an excuse to not to be nice and supportive.

With that, Padma surprises the contestants with the announcement of the quickfire challenge (that’s Top Chef-speak for immunity challenge): to make an amuse bouche out of the ingredients in the buffet. An amuse bouche is something that rich people eat before they actually eat. It’s meant to be consumed in a single bite and tantalize the taste buds for the meal to come. (Fun fact: I considered calling this series Amuse Douches, but that seemed too negative. And inaccurate, considering that — unlike last season — the cast is populated by fairly likable folks. I’m sure that’ll change within a few episodes. So far I’m refraining from a sexy title until I come up with something I like. God forbid I end up with feature titles like “The Funk” and “The More You Know” — which I totally hate now, but am stuck with.)

They’ve got thirty minutes. Go.

TiFaux readers have a standing invitation to come grill food with me in my backyard. Unless you’re a freak.

• A female WWE wrestler has joined the cast of Survivor: China.
• E-Kristin has a spoiler chat including stuff on Dexter, Heroes and Rescue Me.
• The creators of Homestar Runner have rejected the Cartoon Network.
• Rachael Ray, Jon Stewart and Tina Fey will all appear on Sesame Street.
• And NBC has a crush on Jon Stewart.
• In even more suffocating Sopranos news, HBO talked David Chase out of a full 30 seconds of blackness at the end.
• Steve Carrell is sticking with The Office.
• A study indicates that television watching decays moral values. I would have read the article, but I was too busy kissing boys in my meth lab.
• Bret Michaels stars in “The Bachelor: Herp edition.”
• Judd Apatow wants to know why you didn’t watch his TV shows.
• There’s a Quixotic quest to save Studio 60.
• Finally, if you’ve got some time to kill, watch this compilation of scenes detailing the Lost plane crash from a variety of perspectives.

I saw the transsexual from All My Children in a production of Hamlet yesterday. Alas, no gender-bending.

• Kristy Swanson was arrested for throwing down with the ex-wife of her Skating with Celebrities co-star.
• Newsweek mulls the future of reality programming.
• When Scrubs comes back for a seventh season, the woman who played dead Nurse Roberts will return as the character’s sister. Sigh.
• Ellen won everything at the Daytime Emmys.
• J.K. Simmons talks about whatever happens on The Closer.
• Trista and Ryan won’t inflict their baby on us.
• Tina Fey talks about the future of 30 Rock!
• That show The 4400 is back.
• NBC loves boobs.

1. Masi Oka — you’re so nice and adorable. Would you like to live in my shoe?

2. Skinny ties: I’m surprising myself by reacting positively.

3. Adrian’s beard is jarring. Perhaps sometime I could go to a woodworking class with him.

4. Adrian’s hand-on-the-back/finger-pistol body language seems to say “you’re a funny guy, but don’t forget that I am dominant.”

Happy Father’s Day!

That means you, Dad…

Bomb threats are always entertaining.

• Skeet Ulrich rejoices about Jericho’s renewal. Go Skeet go! Skeet.
• ABC will be streaming a lot of its summer programming, including Traveler and that Shaquille O’Neal “Run, Fattie, Run!” show.
• Dexter begins Sept. 30!
• The CW appears to be burying Hidden Palms — whatever that is.
• Fox Reality is going to try to find the next Elvira.
• Top Chef numbers are up.
• Lost, praise Jesus, promises not to go out like The Sopranos.
• FX has a bumpy track record with the gays.
• Puff Daddy’s going to make some new awful band on MTV.

We’ve made no secret that we’re strapped for things to talk about on TiFaux now that summer’s here. In fact, that’s kind of all that we talk about now. So, rather than continue to mourn Veronica Mars, swoon over Jim Halpert or any of our other favorite pasttimes, how about a new feature? ‘Kay?

On that note, let’s get back to basics — like third grade basics. Who Would Win in a Fight is a time-honored (boy?) activity that doesn’t really require a whole lot of explanation, but it is fodder for endless conversation — and that’s basically what we’re going for.

So, first round! Our contenders are: Dr. McDreamy versus Matt from Studio 60

Grey’s Anatomy’s Dr. Derek “McDreamy” Shepherd

Strengths:

• Maturity means he’ll be able to plan an attack rather just than go at it with fists flying.
• Brain surgeon — good hand-eye coordination.
• Excellent hair can withstand being tousled in a fracas (not necessarily a practical strength, but it is still true).

Weaknesses:

• Kind of old.
• Not that buff.
• Prettyboy.

Secret weapon: Surprisingly spry.

Studio 60’s Matt Albie

Strengths:

• Emotional instability could breed a more fierce competitor.
• Feels less pain due to pill habit.
• Scrappy.

Weaknesses:

• Might become too depressed to finish.
• Not that buff either.
• Lumbering movements.

Secret weapon: Can distract with rapier wit.

Defend your decisions in the comments.

Unless the golf involves miniature windmills and alcohol, I want no part of it.

• Zachary Quinto (Sylar) will be on Heroes as a series regular next year. Swoon.
• Details are emerging about the new My So-Called Life DVDs.
• E-Kristin has a video segment of all sorts of Battlestar nerdery.
• Ted Allen talks about his new Top Chef gig.
• Boston Legal is kicking everyone off the show and replacing them with John Larroquette.
• Bradley Whitford almost became one of those suit-wearers on Law and Order.
• Which Arby’s franchises have past Last Comic Standing winners been working at?  Find out here.
• Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives have powerful casts.
• Rob Thomas will helm Miss/Guided.
• And, finally, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog goes to the Tonys.

If you’re feeling the summer blues and hoping to find something to look forward to, Futon Critic has started reviewing the pilots. I don’t always agree with their assessments — and I plan on completely ignoring their Viva Laughlin post when it appears, as no amount of criticism, or the show itself, will ever make me stop watching — but it’s fun to get a sense of what things might work and what isn’t worth the time of day. And just for fun they include a rejected pilot, too.

So last night I watched The Closer. It was a nice little House/Law & Order/Monk-ish mash-up. The mystery plot was barely a challenge to anyone who’s ever seen a television show or watched a movie (though I may be spoiled by our girl Veronica), and Brenda’s snacking fetish was suffocatingly cutesy, but the dialogue wasn’t half bad, and I liked her fish-out-of-water, sweet-talking tough broad persona. It’s hardly what I would call necessary viewing, but for a lazy Wednesday night, it kept my interest. And J.K. Simmons is great in thankless part; I hadn’t realized he was on the show, otherwise I might’ve caught it earlier.

I didn’t manage to cobble together This Week on the TiFaux (don’t worry, nothing’s on), but I’d like to point out that Mythbusters is new tonight. I know this may come as a shock to regular viewers, but the myths they’re tackling tonight have to do with explosions.

Anyone watching anything worthwhile?

My wasabi experiment to clean out my sinuses wasn’t that successful.

• The Brilliant But Cancelled Blog does autopsies on Veronica Mars and the Gilmore Girls.
• Mr. Wizard died.
• Slate thinks Tony got whacked and offers a good insight. If he’s right though, I would still rather have had less ambiguity and David Chase shouldn’t have a problem talking about it and explaining it. PS - if you get an e-mail about Nikki Leotardo, E-Kristin says it’s a hoax.
• Is Whoopi the new Rosie on The View?
• Journey’s Steve Perry talks Sopranos.
• Donald Trump wants civilization to take a step back 50 years with his new reality show.
• Last Comic Standing starts tonight.
• The CW might not want Veronica Mars, but DC Comics wants to do season four.
• A Dwight Schrute spin-off?