Top Chef: Four females gone in a row — we’re one step closer to a total sausage party

Posted by Dan July 31st, 2007 at 04:30pm In Top Chef

I started writing a recap of this week’s episode, but I gave up because I’m tired and it was neither funny nor interesting. Therefore, I’m just going to take a different approach.

A lot of cute things happened on this episode, so I thought I’d just list and rate them. You ready?

First off, I’ll be rating things on a scale of 1 to 100. A ranking of 1 would be very modestly cute. Like, say, a grown cat aloofly (<– is this a real adverb?) licking its paw. A ranking of 100 is heart-breakingly cute, such as an elderly married couple holding hands on a park bench. Alternately, things can also be actively non-cute. Examples of a negative 100 include roadside bombs, Paris Hilton and staph infections.

Let’s dive right in:

1. Joey interviews that he is in a rut and having trouble getting out of the middle of the pack. He calls himself the “grey horse”and says that he needs to get his head out of his ass. Both of these statements only make about 80% sense, but we get the point. I appreciate, to some degree, his clumsy attempts at self-expression, although it reminds me a bit of George W. Bush. Cuteness: 10.
2. The guest judge is restauranteur Maria Frumkin, who gets points for both her Argentinean accent and for being named Maria Frumkin. Cuteness for name and accent: 33.
3. Sara M. cooks rabbit in the quickfire. Cuteness: minus 15.
4. Joey talks about his tart trio and describes it as an “orgasm in your mouth.” I really can’t imagine he has any idea what he just said. Cuteness: 0. Gross enough to be in the negatives, but it’s balanced by the sweet naivete.
5. Joey says that since “our incident,” he and Howie have become close friends. The idea of them being friends merits a rating of 71.
6. Back at the hotel Lia and Casey reflect on their BFF-ness. Cuteness: 35 (the idea of two young gals being friends is nothing compared to the Joey and Howie).
   Hung nearly stabs Casey. Rating: negative 75.
7. Elimination Challenge: They cook for a telenovela called Dame Chocolate. (dah-may chocolate; not Dame like Judi Dench). During the challenge, Casey asks for Howie’s help with her overcooked rice. In turn, Howie asks Casey for help writing out his menu because his handwriting “stinks.” Rating: 79.
8. Hung speaks in junior high Spanish and is convinced he’s charming the cast and crew. Rating: Negative 30.
9. Howie and Joey are the top two and roll in like they’re a comedy duo. They give each others’ dishes effusive praise and, when Howie wins, he gives his prize (a bottle of Frumkin’s Argentinean wine) to Joey. Rating: 89.
10. Lia is the surprise ouster. Casey tearfully makes the announcement and the chefs clap for Lia as she leaves (a tradition, I feel like this season started — although I could be wrong). Anyways, I like how they clap people out and how it must soften the feeling of failure. Rating: a sad 41.