I caught about the last half hour or so of High School Musical Two on Friday. This was entirely by accident.

However, I did watch it in a semi-darkened room with four other gay men (just as God intended) and we enjoyed it approximately 85% ironically.

Eventually, the entertainment turned to other (decidedly less wholesome) entertainment.

Anyway, throughout the ordeal, I was distracted by Zac Efron’s ever-changing skin tone. In the indoor scenes, he was a normal-ish shade of porcelain, but during the outdoor scenes he tended to glow orange. Therefore, a quick poll:

Remember last season of The Hills, when I recapped feverishly through the first half of the season and then decided that not only did I hate the show, I hated the version of myself I was when I was with it? Or the season before that, when I was convinced it would be the awesomest thing ever until it turned out it wasn’t? Third time’s a charm, kids. Time to do work.

When we last left our favorite members of Young Hollywood, Lauren (formerly “LC”) had lost her roommate and best friend Heidi to the nefarious Spencer Pratt. Intern Whitney was up for a “real” job at TeenVogue that would make her supervisor of all of Intern land, and Audrina had really big boobs. But what were they up to when they weren’t being followed by MTV?

*Heidi got new boobs and a nose job.

*Heidi and Spencer got engaged.

*Spencer and Brody gave a ridiculous interview to Details magazine that made many people hate them (more).

*The Heidi & Spencer v. Lauren feud raged across states and various forms of media.

*Heidi & Spencer were banned from The Hills premiere afterparty.

*Heidi released her first single, Body Language, which features Spencer rapping (link to radio premiere here, courtesy of Sara. A must-listen)

Still with me? Ready, Okay!

At TeenVoid, we can assume that Whitney beat out the tough competition for the Real Job as Lauren greets her with “Look at you with your new desk! I’m proud of you with your new job!” They banter a bit about how different their Intern Fortress of Solitude is now that Whitney is Lauren’s boss (awk-ward!) and that the sweaters in the sweater closet have been organized. Am I to understand that Lauren and Whitney worked their for two years and never organized the sweater closet? That would have been the first thing I did right after stealing Editrix Love’s rolodex and inviting all of the Hollywood fashion elite to a runway show (in my pants).

Lauren tells Whitney (and us) about the totally heinous LC-JWahl rumor about a sex tape that has yet to surface and how the news worked its way back to Laguna and her parents. Having had the “just a heads up, you might be seeing some pictures of me on the internet” talk with my parents many times (daddy issues, what can I say), I really feel for you.

This episode is brought to you by the phrase “You Know What You Did,” which we’ve all seen Lauren scream in the trailers. Heidi gets the last billing in the credits, and there are no group shots that include her. And no shots at all of her in a tiara. ::single tear::

Get ready for another post in my continuing quest to make this blog all about High School Musical (part 2 of, potentially, hundreds). This is more of a scholarly look, because honestly, I’m seeing a huge gap in the academic community when it comes to made-for-TV Disney movies, and I’m just here to fill the need.

Sharpay Evans (blue dress) is the “villain” of the High School Musical series (technically, though, the villains really keeping our heroes down are better described as “the status quo” and “classicism”). In the first movie, Sharpay tries to keep Troy and Gabriella from auditioning for her precious musical. It was vaguely suggested, as so much was in movie #1, that she also had designs on Troy romantically, but that angle was not nearly as important as the audition plot. In the stage version (which, yes, I have seen, thank you for asking), which features an expanded book, her motivations are much more obviously confused — she spends a lot more time trying to make them into the perfect couple.

Which leads naturally to the second movie, where her motivations are more hopelessly muddled than ever. She wants Troy; she arranges the whole summer so she can spend time with him. But “getting Troy,” to her, means getting Troy to sing with her in the talent show. For Sharpay, it seems at first that romantic relationships are all about winning. She needs that trophy more than she needs Troy. Or is it all the same, really? Does she consider performing with Troy the same as being with him romantically? In a way, it doesn’t matter, because her obsession with Troy means she forces him to sing with her. Forcing him to sing with her also guarantees that she’ll win the trophy, since he won’t be upstaging her by singing with Gabriella.

So far her romantic goals and her trophy-winning goals line up fairly smoothly, if not exactly emotionally consistently. But then the rest of the staff decides to compete in the talent show together, with the help of Sharpay’s scorned brother, Ryan. A single glance at their rehearsal convinces Sharpay that they pose a legitimate threat to her trophy. This is despite the fact she OWNS THE RESORT and could just insist on winning no matter what (it’s obvious she has that power; the grumpy resort manager almost gives her the trophy, despite the fact that she didn’t end up singing in the competition at all). She can’t do it, though, because it’s actually important to her to be the best.

And that’s the key to her personality.