Amy Sherman-Palladino. Parker Posey. Lauren Ambrose.

I don’t care how much the pilot disappoints, I’m not giving up a chance to see all that in person.

Reserve your tickets to The Return of Jezebel James taping in Queens here! It’ll be a TiFaux event, of sorts. Thanks to Sara for the tip.

Previously on The Hills: Lauren and Heidi’s new boobs get into an altercation at new It spot, les deux. Rihanna refuses to acknowledge that the word “umbrella” only has two syllables.

Of all the bad decisions Heidi has made concerning her body of late, I think I’m most upset about the hair. The nose is a close second, but I forgive her the boob job. Who hasn’t considered that from time to time before seeing that terrifying MTV series about people who get plastic surgery to look like celebrities and then freaking out at the episode where the drag queen gets JLo surgery. Her hair, though, which was a perfect honey-gold color last season, is now approaching truck stop bottle blonde. And it’s sad, really. It’s like when Britney released “me against the music” and the weird video where she almost makes out with Madonna and you were like “well, this is just a little too far over the edge but I think we can still get our old Oops I Did It Again-era Britney back” only to wind up with the current shit storm. I’m concerned that this is the tipping point for Heidi, that the hair is the first in a series of bad decisions, but I’m going to reserve judgement until I see her spread (ha!) in Playboy. Anyway, Heidi and Spencer are having lunch and blathering on about their apartment and moving in and how Heidi wants to pick out paint colors. It’s not important or interesting. And this episode is called “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” which is fun since no one cries or even says that line in this episode, other than Fergie-Ferg. So I guess that means they put the music in and then wait for the last minute to do the title screen. I was going to make a joke here about how that’s like how Kenny Ortega just takes the plots of existing movies and then waits for the last minute to write in the High School Musical soundtracks, but it was really forced and unfunny. Also, I just downloaded all the songs for HSMII off of iTunes and “Gotta Go My Own Way” is currently in the process of changing my life, even though it contains the oft-maligned “What about us/ What about trust” lyrics which keep reminding me of that “What’s love got to do with a little menage” Fat Joe song that was totally my cheat on your boyfriend theme song in college. Hope he’s not reading this.

Lauren and Audrina are discussing Justin, whom Audrina made out with the night that Lauren totally frenched it up with the British Invasion. “Why did you stop dating?” Lauren asked confusedly, petting the tabby cat from last season that is WEARING A FISHERMANS SWEATER. It looks exactly like the one my mom brought me back from Ireland, except slightly smaller. Audrina launches into a story about how they were in Vegas and he wanted to go to a strip club and a look of realization smacks Lauren across the face. “He abandoned you in Vegas!” she exclaims, clearly having heard the story before. “Well… yeah,” says Audrina, apologetically. I feel like that conversation would have ended with Audrina saying the same thing regardless of what heinous thing Justin had done to her before. “He slept with your mom!” “He cut your hair off in the middle of the night and sold it for drug money!” “He released a single that had Spencer rapping on it!” Well… yeah.

Back at Heidi and Spencer’s Walk In Condom, Spencer is making yet another protein shake. I wish he would eat some solid foods and stop looking so gaunt. Maybe he’s trying to sell his diet and exercise book.

I wish my mom had gotten me that Skip It.

Heidi comes home to see that Spencer has had their living room wall tagged with an enormous Hollywood mural.

Cutting off some unhealthy leaves will really make your plants grow. This is only news to me.

• Dirty Sexy Money is getting a little rejiggering.
• Aww… Masi Oka is in a Got Milk? ad.
• Aiden Quinn is going to be on the new Julianna Margulies show.
• So, remember that post about the new celebrity version of the Apprentice? That was either a fake list or it was a real list that the network didn’t want spoiled.
• Things are looking sleazier and sleazier on Kid Nation.
• Lance Reddick, Col. Cedric Daniels on The Wire, will be joining the cast of Lost. And a dude called Jeremy Davies.
• Mark Burnett is making a new game show that tests peoples memories about their own lives.
• Posh Spice will guest star on Ugly Betty.
• A spoiler chat with E-Kristin.
• The Boston Globe is warning that this is too much, too soon for Heroes.
• Brad Pitt is producing a drama about a transexual…
• Some ventriloquist won America’s Got Talent.