The Hills, Season 3 Episode 2: Is She Really Going Out With Him?

Posted by Cristin August 23rd, 2007 at 11:47am In The Hills

Previously on The Hills: Lauren and Heidi’s new boobs get into an altercation at new It spot, les deux. Rihanna refuses to acknowledge that the word “umbrella” only has two syllables.

Of all the bad decisions Heidi has made concerning her body of late, I think I’m most upset about the hair. The nose is a close second, but I forgive her the boob job. Who hasn’t considered that from time to time before seeing that terrifying MTV series about people who get plastic surgery to look like celebrities and then freaking out at the episode where the drag queen gets JLo surgery. Her hair, though, which was a perfect honey-gold color last season, is now approaching truck stop bottle blonde. And it’s sad, really. It’s like when Britney released “me against the music” and the weird video where she almost makes out with Madonna and you were like “well, this is just a little too far over the edge but I think we can still get our old Oops I Did It Again-era Britney back” only to wind up with the current shit storm. I’m concerned that this is the tipping point for Heidi, that the hair is the first in a series of bad decisions, but I’m going to reserve judgement until I see her spread (ha!) in Playboy. Anyway, Heidi and Spencer are having lunch and blathering on about their apartment and moving in and how Heidi wants to pick out paint colors. It’s not important or interesting. And this episode is called “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” which is fun since no one cries or even says that line in this episode, other than Fergie-Ferg. So I guess that means they put the music in and then wait for the last minute to do the title screen. I was going to make a joke here about how that’s like how Kenny Ortega just takes the plots of existing movies and then waits for the last minute to write in the High School Musical soundtracks, but it was really forced and unfunny. Also, I just downloaded all the songs for HSMII off of iTunes and “Gotta Go My Own Way” is currently in the process of changing my life, even though it contains the oft-maligned “What about us/ What about trust” lyrics which keep reminding me of that “What’s love got to do with a little menage” Fat Joe song that was totally my cheat on your boyfriend theme song in college. Hope he’s not reading this.

Lauren and Audrina are discussing Justin, whom Audrina made out with the night that Lauren totally frenched it up with the British Invasion. “Why did you stop dating?” Lauren asked confusedly, petting the tabby cat from last season that is WEARING A FISHERMANS SWEATER. It looks exactly like the one my mom brought me back from Ireland, except slightly smaller. Audrina launches into a story about how they were in Vegas and he wanted to go to a strip club and a look of realization smacks Lauren across the face. “He abandoned you in Vegas!” she exclaims, clearly having heard the story before. “Well… yeah,” says Audrina, apologetically. I feel like that conversation would have ended with Audrina saying the same thing regardless of what heinous thing Justin had done to her before. “He slept with your mom!” “He cut your hair off in the middle of the night and sold it for drug money!” “He released a single that had Spencer rapping on it!” Well… yeah.

Back at Heidi and Spencer’s Walk In Condom, Spencer is making yet another protein shake. I wish he would eat some solid foods and stop looking so gaunt. Maybe he’s trying to sell his diet and exercise book.

I wish my mom had gotten me that Skip It.

Heidi comes home to see that Spencer has had their living room wall tagged with an enormous Hollywood mural. And not, like, of the skyline or the Hollywood sign, just a spray paint rendering of the word itself surrounded by dollar signs. Heidi is visibly (and understandably) displeased. “It’s a gift!” Spencer says. “Is it a gift to yourself?” Heidi counters, remembering how they had this exact conversation when Spencer first offered to buy her new boobs. Spencer then tells her that they’re going to Santa Barbara for the weekend, and we all know what happens there. (Or, “those of us who read US Weekly obsessively all know what happens there”).

We finally get a look at Justin, the Vegas Abandoner. I haven’t nailed down his exact origins, but I’m thinking they’re KFed + The Maroon 5 Guy + 1,000 Summers Eve Douches. Plus, he clearly thinks he’s Colin Farrell in his knit-cap-over-chin-length-hair, baggy-undershirt-under-blazer look. I hate him instantly.

Back at the ranch, Lauren is hanging out with Lo from Laguna! I love Lo! I could really use some more Lo here! Lo has grown her hair out to look almost exactly like Lauren’s, but not in a creepy SWF kind of way. She also appears to be wearing, as Candice Bergen would say of Reese Witherspoon, a small skating rink on a very important finger. Is Lo taking the long walk? Also, if someone could please tell me what “Lo” is short for, I’d like to commence naming my unborn children whatever that is. Lauren’s hair, let the record state, is fantastic thus far this season, and a far cry from last season’s droopy mess. Happy girl = Excellent hair. She makes me want to use human growth hormone on my own ‘fro so it can be long and swingy and Winnie Cooper-ey. Lauren fills her in on Justin, and including news that he wants to change his name to Bobby. Lauren expects Audrina to come home and pick her up for an evening of clubbing, but instead she comes home with Justin (“All my friends call me Bobby”) in tow, pounds a Red Bull, and leaves with him. Lauren and Lo exchange knowing glances and sip their own Red Bulls in a ladylike fashion.

The next morning, Lauren makes Audrina an omlette as she discusses the night’s activities. Justin wants to “start over” (and “pretended he never left her stranded in the 9th ring of hell”). “I’m going to give him a chance, see what happens,” Audrina says. I’m pretty sure I already know what’s going to happen, and it involves Audrina holding Justin’s north face fanny pack for him while he bangs a hooker in Reno. I can’t get over the fact that Audrina is wearing a Little Miss Bossy tshirt. That’s ironic, right? Like how sometimes people call bald guys Curly and how my dentist calls me Blondie?

In Spencer’s car (or, Skanktuary, as I like to call it), The Spence is asking Brody to be his best man. Brody freaks out, and not in a good way, telling Spencer that he is way too young to be getting married. “It’s not MARRIED, it’s just engaged,” Spencer scoffs. Please let my future husband have such a fantastic attitude about commitment. Amidst Brody’s protests, Spencer describes his relationship as “flawlessly perfect,” and asks to borrow Brody’s credit card so he can buy a ring. I guess protein shakes and home graffiting doesn’t come cheap.

We get another Chiara scene (woo! Love Chiara!) at Epic records, where Audrina talks about Justin and how everyone else has reservations about him. “I have to learn the hard way. I don’t listen to peoples’ cautions, I just do it,” Audrina says. That must be really fun for your friends. Lauren is totally the Cassandra of Hollywood, doomed to speak the truth and be thought insane.

Spencer and Brody go ring shopping in some kind of clothing store where he picks out a ring that probably cost less than his woman’s surgical enhancements. He refuses to take the recepit, saying he doesn’t even want the option of returning it. Excellent financial strategy. Also, make sure you don’t insure it, that’s just asking for trouble. In the car en route to the beach, Heidi presses Spencer about what her surprise is (pleasebesyphillus, pleasebesyphillus), but he doesn’t offer any hints.

Lauren heads home to Laguna and is greeted by her smokin-hot mom. Lauren’s little sister, whose name I can’t even remember, doesn’t seem to be home. Her mom cuts the middle out of tomato slices for Lauren (I bet she totally put those “I love you!” notes in her sandwiches in elementary school) and says a lot of really smart and caring things to Lauren about how LA changes people, and how she’s worried that it’s going to harden Lauren. Lauren says that she knows the difference between “good people who do bad things and bad people who do bad things,” which makes it sound like she doesn’t know anyone doing any good things (which, aside from Whitney, maybe she doesn’t).

Spencer’s beach proposal to Heidi includes the word “real” about 12 times. “This is just so real, it’s the most real thing in my life. Every time I wake up and see you, it’s like, you’re still here!” he says incredulously, as if he (and all of America) is expecting the Kool Aid to wear off any minute. He produces the ring, saying “I don’t even know what finger a wedding ring goes on.” Probably a sign you shouldn’t be getting married. (Other signs: If you still live with your parents, if you plan on announcing your engagement via IM or MySpace, or if you’ve never lived in the same time zone as your intended. Are you listening, Every One Of My Friends From College?). Heidi responds “I love you more than anything. When people told me, you know, ‘Don’t be with him…’” I stopped listening there because nothing else she said could make that an even more perfect proposal acceptance. Oh wait: “I know for my whole life you’ll always be there,” she finished up tearfully. Unless she’s killed in a car crash on her way back to LA, I’m thinking that won’t actually be true.

We end the episode with Audrina and Justin on his hog (motorcycle, not, you know, Little Bobby), Heidi and Spencer on the beach, and Lauren and her headband on her back porch. Only one of these people is making good relationship decisions.

This season on The Hills: Audrina wears the smallest bikini ever made; Whitney kisses Brody; and JWahl is back and better than ever (thanks, rehab!).