Remember Dinosaurs?

That is all.

In the grand TiFaux tradition of watching crap so you don’t have to, I suffered through about half an hour of the Teen Choice Awards last night. After this careful viewing, I was left with one disturbing question: where are all the teenage boys?

The event, judging purely from the awards, the level of banter, and the neverending squealing, seemed so girly it was practically ovulating. I laughed heartily the two times Zac Efron took the stage; the audience literally would not let him speak, overwhelming him with squeals.

If this is what the teen girls are in to, what are the teen boys watching? Seriously, I want to know. Also, why is it that teen girls have absolutely no sense of humor? The boys from Superbad and Justin Timberlake all tried to crack jokes, but the audience was dead to their antics.

Which brings me to another oddity: Superbad is rated R, and not in a mild, there’s one sex scene way. It’s an R movie. Technically teens aren’t even allowed to see it. Similarly, Ryan Seacrest won “Best Hissy Fit” for Knocked Up (which, as an aside, was an awesome hissy fit), but did these squealing girls actually go see Knocked Up? Or are they just voting for Ryan Seacrest, who’s so dreamy? Or has the voting been infiltrated by non-teens?

I think teens should see as many R rated movies as they can. That’s just a personal belief of mine. But I’m curious about the blatant hypocrisy.

So clearly I was left with a lot more than just one disturbing question. Perhaps that’s why I had to give up and turn it off: So many contradictions!

Those 80s Jane Fonda workout tapes were bad for you. The news said so.

• The U.S. version of Creature Comforts is coming to DVD in October!
• Plans to make High School Musical 3 about a haunted house have been scrapped in favor of more of the same.
• MTV will have a reality show called Celebrity Rap Superstar (it’s just what it sounds like), and it will feature one of the Playboy Girls Next Door.
• Hulk Hogan’s son got hurt in a car accident.
• John from Cincinnati got arrested for a DUI.
• The guy who wrote Dexter lurves Michael C. Hall.
• Chelsea Lately has been renewed by E!
• LC’s fashion label is getting support from MTV.

So, was anyone really seeing this coming? Because I sure as hell wasn’t.

Wednesday’s Top Chef had a change of venue from the sunny beaches of Miami to the black-is-white, up-is-down world of Bizarroville. Not only did the judges give walking papers to Tre, but Sara M. (who seemed to me to be the next logical choice to go, seeing as how she hadn’t scored a win yet) walked away with the victory!

From the beginning, I pretty much assumed Tre would be in the finale. He has won three elimination challenges and seemed to be regarded as the most talented chef, as evidenced by his #1 draft pick status when C.J. chose teams (<—sports reference! Lookit me!).

I’m sure that when Tre got the axe, most people thought the same thing: they just let go their most talented chef, and the guy who has misfired the least of all the contestants. It seemed like a travesty that less consistent contestants (Casey; Howie and Hung, even they were on the winning team) remained while Tre was let go. However, Judge Gail (who wasn’t on the episode, but should be coming back soon) makes a convincing case for the judging process on her Bravo blog. It’s worth a read.

This does, however, blow the competition wide open. Before, I figured it as a competition of who would face Tre in the finals. Now, who knows?  Just goes to show that if he could get cut now, anyone is vulnerable in any episode.

In other news, I found myself rooting for Team Sara despite the fact that it included the two chefs I wouldn’t mind seeing go home (Hung and Howie). I think I probably rooted for the team because it had Dale, who is fast becoming my favorite contestant. He seems funny and nice and he totally called out Madonna’s brother as being a jackass, which could get him disemboweled in certain gay bars.

So, now that the numbers are getting smaller, here’s a survey…

Yellow is really the only acceptable highlighter color.

• Ed Helms talks about being on The Office.
• High School Musical 2 arrives on DVD in time for Hannukah (well, the sixth night).
• The new skinny girls on America’s Next Top Model have been announced.
• Mare Winningham guest stars on Boston Legal.
• TV Guide’s Matt Roush talks about Ryan Seacrest at the Emmys, Pushing Daisies and more.
• That show Anchorwoman has been canceled after one episode.
• An interview with the woman behind Big Brother. If you care. Which you probably don’t.
• Sweet! They’re bringing back American Gladiators.
• They had to find 30 babies to play Aaron on Lost.
• The Daily Show’s Rob Riggle talks about going to Iraq.
• Finally, here are some trailers for season two of Heroes. The first one plays like the concluding moments of the Left Behind series. It gets better.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://youtube.com/v/HSqVRUlvOjA" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/wk8q2OWLLz8" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

Amy Sherman-Palladino. Parker Posey. Lauren Ambrose.

I don’t care how much the pilot disappoints, I’m not giving up a chance to see all that in person.

Reserve your tickets to The Return of Jezebel James taping in Queens here! It’ll be a TiFaux event, of sorts. Thanks to Sara for the tip.

Previously on The Hills: Lauren and Heidi’s new boobs get into an altercation at new It spot, les deux. Rihanna refuses to acknowledge that the word “umbrella” only has two syllables.

Of all the bad decisions Heidi has made concerning her body of late, I think I’m most upset about the hair. The nose is a close second, but I forgive her the boob job. Who hasn’t considered that from time to time before seeing that terrifying MTV series about people who get plastic surgery to look like celebrities and then freaking out at the episode where the drag queen gets JLo surgery. Her hair, though, which was a perfect honey-gold color last season, is now approaching truck stop bottle blonde. And it’s sad, really. It’s like when Britney released “me against the music” and the weird video where she almost makes out with Madonna and you were like “well, this is just a little too far over the edge but I think we can still get our old Oops I Did It Again-era Britney back” only to wind up with the current shit storm. I’m concerned that this is the tipping point for Heidi, that the hair is the first in a series of bad decisions, but I’m going to reserve judgement until I see her spread (ha!) in Playboy. Anyway, Heidi and Spencer are having lunch and blathering on about their apartment and moving in and how Heidi wants to pick out paint colors. It’s not important or interesting. And this episode is called “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” which is fun since no one cries or even says that line in this episode, other than Fergie-Ferg. So I guess that means they put the music in and then wait for the last minute to do the title screen. I was going to make a joke here about how that’s like how Kenny Ortega just takes the plots of existing movies and then waits for the last minute to write in the High School Musical soundtracks, but it was really forced and unfunny. Also, I just downloaded all the songs for HSMII off of iTunes and “Gotta Go My Own Way” is currently in the process of changing my life, even though it contains the oft-maligned “What about us/ What about trust” lyrics which keep reminding me of that “What’s love got to do with a little menage” Fat Joe song that was totally my cheat on your boyfriend theme song in college. Hope he’s not reading this.

Lauren and Audrina are discussing Justin, whom Audrina made out with the night that Lauren totally frenched it up with the British Invasion. “Why did you stop dating?” Lauren asked confusedly, petting the tabby cat from last season that is WEARING A FISHERMANS SWEATER. It looks exactly like the one my mom brought me back from Ireland, except slightly smaller. Audrina launches into a story about how they were in Vegas and he wanted to go to a strip club and a look of realization smacks Lauren across the face. “He abandoned you in Vegas!” she exclaims, clearly having heard the story before. “Well… yeah,” says Audrina, apologetically. I feel like that conversation would have ended with Audrina saying the same thing regardless of what heinous thing Justin had done to her before. “He slept with your mom!” “He cut your hair off in the middle of the night and sold it for drug money!” “He released a single that had Spencer rapping on it!” Well… yeah.

Back at Heidi and Spencer’s Walk In Condom, Spencer is making yet another protein shake. I wish he would eat some solid foods and stop looking so gaunt. Maybe he’s trying to sell his diet and exercise book.

I wish my mom had gotten me that Skip It.

Heidi comes home to see that Spencer has had their living room wall tagged with an enormous Hollywood mural.

Cutting off some unhealthy leaves will really make your plants grow. This is only news to me.

• Dirty Sexy Money is getting a little rejiggering.
• Aww… Masi Oka is in a Got Milk? ad.
• Aiden Quinn is going to be on the new Julianna Margulies show.
• So, remember that post about the new celebrity version of the Apprentice? That was either a fake list or it was a real list that the network didn’t want spoiled.
• Things are looking sleazier and sleazier on Kid Nation.
• Lance Reddick, Col. Cedric Daniels on The Wire, will be joining the cast of Lost. And a dude called Jeremy Davies.
• Mark Burnett is making a new game show that tests peoples memories about their own lives.
• Posh Spice will guest star on Ugly Betty.
• A spoiler chat with E-Kristin.
• The Boston Globe is warning that this is too much, too soon for Heroes.
• Brad Pitt is producing a drama about a transexual…
• Some ventriloquist won America’s Got Talent.

The other day, as I gallantly strode down Internet Blvd., parasol in hand, I came upon a new Web site/blog/Internet TV show that I thought you might enjoy. I certainly do.

It’s called Cute With Chris and it features several things I love (seen here in this numbered list):

1. boys with bedhead
2. Canadian accents
3. pictures of puppies and kittens (although I mainly prefer the puppies), and
4. non sequiturs.

Here’s a recent episode:[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/NRpNyWRV8RU" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

It’s a fun show — kind of like those John Hodgman Mac ads had a baby with the people who do Cute Overload and they raised it on a steady diet of SCTV reruns.

The show’s been on for a while, so there’s a whole long backlog of shows for you to watch. Plus, if you have a newfangled iPod, you can download episodes from iTunes for free and watch them on public transportation.

Even I’m getting a little sick of me taking High School Musical too seriously. I promise after this I’ll direct my brain-beams at something a little more worthy. For example, The Pick-Up Artist is now officially my second-favorite reality show after Project Runway. What? Not brainy enough? [Side note: Four years ago, I never would've thought I could utter the phrase "second-favorite reality show." The thought of even watching one would make me break out in hives. Ah, how times change.]

So. Ryan Evans. Ryan, as I assume you know if you’ve made it this far in the post, is Sharpay’s super-sparkly, super-awesome, super-gay (coded) brother. This is the Disney Channel, after all, so none of the characters could actually be gay, but of all the likely candidates (cough-CRÈME BRÛLÉE-cough [another side note: Where's Crème Brûlée in movie #2? Is he at culinary school? What, is the actor too good for the Disney channel now? And jeebus, crème brûlée has a lot of accent marks]), Ryan is the most likeliest. And I think Disney is kind of okay with that.

So how does Disney tell us they’re okay with it, in their subtle way? It’s not the fact that he performs in the musical; Troy performs in the musical, and he is the epitome of Disney’s manly men. I mean, Troy totally wants to kiss Gabriella. Like, seriously. The fact that he keeps letting circumstances come between himself and the kiss doesn’t mean he’s not way into it.

It’s not the fact that Ryan loves jazz squares, either. That’s just his way of annoying his sister. And besides, jazz squares are awesome. As he so aptly put it, “Everyone loves a jazz square.” You can’t argue with that.

No, it’s not the musical or the jazz squares. It is, simply, and quite literally, that he wears a lot of hats.