Dudes, it’s September. How did that happen? I woke up one day in July saying to myself, “Self, remember to put your name in for the SNL ticket lottery in August,” and then BAM it’s last night and I said to myself, “Self, you idiot! It’s September! You had a whole month to send a stupid email and you didn’t! Now you’ll never to get to see a taping of SNL! GOD!”

Despite my failure in that regard, I’m excited, because September is a pretty fun time in the world of television. Remember House? 30 Rock? Remember how fun it was when they were new? And then there are the new shows, just begging to be watched and discarded immediately. For your reference, I’ve divided the important dates into two lists.

OMG, Finally! (Returning shows)

Curb Your Enthusiasm - Sunday Sept 9, 10 PM, HBO
The Simpsons - Sunday Sept 23, 8 PM, Fox
How I Met Your Mother - Monday Sept 24, 8 PM, CBS
Heroes - Monday Sept 24, 9 PM, NBC
House - Tuesday Sept 25, 9 PM, Fox
My Name Is Earl - Thursday Sept 27, 8 PM, NBC
Ugly Betty - Thursday Sept 27, 8 PM, ABC
The Office - Thursday Sept 27, 9 PM, NBC
Grey’s Anatomy - Thursday Sept 27, 8 PM, NBC
Dexter - Sunday Sept 30, 9 PM, Showtime
Everybody Hates Chris - Monday Oct 1, 8 PM, CW
30 Rock - Thursday Oct 4, 8:30 PM, NBC
Friday Night Lights - Friday Oct 5, 9 PM, NBC

I Don’t Vouch For These (New shows) (I’ve put the number of episodes I believe this show will last in red, based on nothing but a gut instinct and the ads on the side of buses; feel free to offer your own estimations)

Tim Gunn’s Guide to Style - Wednesday Sept 5, 11 PM, Bravo (regular slot Thursday at 10), 2 seasons
K-ville - Monday Sept 17, 9 PM, Fox, 6 episodes
Kid Nation - Wednesday Sept 19, 8 PM, CBS, not even sure the first one will air
Gossip Girl - Wednesday Sept 19, 9 PM, CW, 5 seasons
Chuck - Monday Sept 24, 8 PM, NBC, 22 episodes
Journeyman - Monday Sept 24, 10 PM, NBC, 4 episodes
Reaper - Tuesday Sept 25, 9 PM, CW, 12 episodes
Bionic Woman - Wednesday Sept 26, 9 PM, NBC, 9 episodes
Private Practice - Wednesday Sept 26, 9 PM, ABC, 12 episodes
Dirty Sexy Money - Wednesday Sept 26, 10 PM, ABC, 2 episodes
Moonlight (the one with Jason Dohring) - Friday Sept 28, 9 PM, CBS, either 1 episode, or 14 seasons
Aliens in America - Monday Oct 1, 8:30 PM, CW, 2 seasons
Pushing Daisies - Wednesday Oct 3, 8 PM, ABC, 22 episodes
Samantha Who? - Monday Oct 15, 9:30 PM, ABC, 6 episodes
Viva Laughlin - Thursday Oct 18, 10 PM, CBS (regular slot 8 PM Sunday), 2 episodes

Some shows didn’t make the cut. I’m sorry, Cane and Back to You and The Big Bang Theory and Big Shots, but I’m just not going to watch you. There’s nothing you can do about it.

Also, there are bunch of hugely exciting shows premiering in January and February (hello, Lost and Battlestar Galactica and 24 and The Return of Jezebel James and The I.T. Crowd), so I’ll make another list at that time.

And finally, while researching these dates, I’ve unfortunately learned that Charlie Sheen is going to be appearing on Inside the Actor’s Studio. Charlie Sheen! What… I… this is beyond comment.

We first met John when the phenomenon of Studio 60 hit the fan. Since then, he’s represented the international TiFaux audience. It’s a lonely job.

Up next: Maggie’s Dad.

Vitals

Name: John Walker
Location: Bath, UK
Web Site: http://botherer.cream.org
What’s your story?: I’m a freelance writer in the UK, with too much spare time and an internet connection. Dear America, Thank you for making some half-decent television. Sorry about all the reality shows we keep selling you. Love John.
What do you do during the day?: Alternate between writing about and playing videogames, and then meeting real people in the real outside world, to prevent madness.
How do you know about TiFaux?: Came across it the first time it was so wildly and embarrassingly wrong about Studio 60.
Why are you so interesting?: I’d say it was my constantly correct opinions. I’d surprise myself, if I wasn’t already so very aware that I’m right.

Favorites

Movie: Waking Life, Looking For Richard
Music: The Books, Nick Cave, Howe Gelb
Book: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
Food: Chicken, every whichway.
Web Site (besides TiFaux — don’t be a kissass): Tempted to plug www.rockpapershotgun.com. But probably www.wwtdd.com for sheer, cruel funny.

Television

The best show currently on television is: ‘Currently’ in the off season seems tough. In a month I’m fairly sure it’s going to be Pushing Daisies. If we’re allowed to pick from what’s returning, it’s Dexter.
But my all-time favorite is: American Gothic. In a level-headed way, I stress.
I’m pained to admit it, but the show I secretly love is: whispered: (The Amazing Race)
Whose shit are you sick of?: Mark Burnett: You had some good ideas a while back. Now please, just stop.
Most cherished childhood television memory: The Adventure Game. It’s a British thing, but: seriously.
Which TV character/personality would you most like to have a tryst with?: Jaye Tyler from Wonderfalls.
Kill, boff, marry — Jack Shepherd (Lost), Peter Petrelli (Heroes), Michael Bluth (Arrested Development): Ok, I think the language divide might be a problem here with “boff”. It means a “teacher’s pet” here, but I’m thinking it’s about quick sex? And do I assign one for each? No one told me I had to study! Assuming this: Kill - Shepherd, Boff - Petrelli, Marry - Bluth.
Kill, boff, marry — Starbuck (Battlestar Galactica), Heidi Klum (Project Runway), Alyson Hannigan (How I Met Your Mother): Kill - Klum (Padma every day), Boff - Starbuck, Marry - Hannigan (and also Lily, if that’s what you meant).

Don’t be a bastard. Be our MySpace friend. We love you.

• Wouldn’t you just love to hold George Clooney like this?
• Listen to The Shins’ version of the Weeds theme song.
• Jane Krakowski talks to TV Guide about the next season of 30 Rock!
• Jayma Mays (Hiro’s dead waitress on Heroes) has joined Pushing Daisies.
• Rebecca Romijn will be on Jerry O’Connell’s new show.
• Eep! NBC and iTunes are in a fight, so no more NBC shows on iTunes. Well, at least until they both realize they want to make money off it and come to an agreement.
• Dominic Purcell of Prison Break talks to TV Guide.
• Kate Walsh got married.
• Busy Philipps is done with ER.
• Fox almost had Hugh Laurie host the Emmys. But they decided instead, if you recall, to select anthropomorphized hair gel Ryan Seacrest.
• Jessica Sierra is bouncing back with VH1’s Celebrity Rehab.
• Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg won’t perform a cleaned-up “Dick in a Box.”
• EW explains how the new Losties got cast.
• Flight of the Concords comes to DVD Nov. 6.
• Stephen Colbert’s cast sold for more than $17,000.
• An interview with the creator of The Bionic Woman.
• All of a sudden, Zac Efron is picky about scripts.
• Here are oodles of pictures of the Heroes cast.
• Here’s the trailer for Rashida Jones’ mid-season replacement show.