The Hills, Season 3 Episode 3: He’s a Rebel
Previously on The Hills: Spencer graffiti-tags Heidi’s favorite white wall, then proposes to her on the beach. Audrina takes back a guy who abandoned her in Vegas for strippers.
I usually play a little game with myself while I’m taking recap notes where I try to see how long into an episode of The Hills I can make it before I hit the “info” button and then groan at how much soul-sucking time is left before I can delete it and go on to watching The Pick Up Artist or Celebrity Rap Superstar. The good news is: the episode set a new record! The bad news is: I hit the “sweet effing christ I can’t believe this is what my life has become” wall a scant 4 minutes into the episode. And I couldn’t bring myself to go online and watch the pre-theme song intro scene that my DVR (blessedly) cut off, so I jumped into this episode as the title screen was informing me that “Truth & Time Tells All.”
My favorite part of High School Musical II (other than the fact that Vanessa Hudgens has clearly leaked naked pictures of herself all over the world wide web to stick it to Disney), if you can choose just ONE favorite part, was when a distraught Sharpay instructs a nearby drummer to “Give {her} a beat!” so that she can properly shashay out of the room. I’m pretty sure that, judging from how she struts, Heidi has Animal from The Muppets inside her head constantly banging out a rhythm for her to shake her skinny ass to. (”Eat drums! Eat drums!” “No, Animal, BEAT drums!” “WoMAN! WoMAN! WoMAN!”) Heidi bops into work and greets coworker Elodie, who has brown hair now. I love Elodie, largely because she and I both have ears that make us look well suited for a career of making cookies in a tree somewhere. Elodie spots the ring from across the room and exclaims “O.M.G.,” as if she’s really 18 and not, let’s say, 34. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” she asks. Oh, Elodie, didn’t you see last season? Fool me with a fake pregnancy scare once, shame on me. Fool me twice… wait, Heidi’s talking. “He’s not only my fiance, he’s, like, my soulmate.” Elodie heaps on the good advice. “Make sure you take a long time with your engagement. Don’t buy a wedding dress any time soon. Start with the magazines.” Well, Eldawg, she’s going to look pretty silly walking down the aisle clad only in Martha Stewart Bride, but what the eff do I know. I don’t even use acronyms befitting a much younger generation when I want to express shock and awe.
Spencer and Brody are out on the town, Brody wearing a hilariously appropriate Tshirt that states “B-Squad.” I’m sure he thinks it’s B as in “Brody man! Snoochie booches!” but I’m thinking it’s B squad as in, “I wish we had a real heartthrob but I guess we have to settle for this olympian’s kid who once banged Kristin Cavalleri.” “I need some board shorts for Cabo!” Spencer exclaims excitedly. Brody inquires after how Santa Barbra went, and Spence replies “It went amazing.” {”…but could you hold on one sec? I have a call from the National Linguistics Society, they want me to speak at their upcoming conference on parts of speech”). “I used to think marriage was the dumbest thing– for guys who couldn’t get laid. Like, back in the day: I’m gonna give you half my money, all you gotta do is make my food and hang out with me,” Spencer explains. Well, at least now I don’t have to write that bridesmaids’ toast I’ve been working on.
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3 comments September 10th, 2007
