The Hills, Season 3 Episode 3: He’s a Rebel

Posted by Cristin September 10th, 2007 at 03:16pm In The Hills

Previously on The Hills: Spencer graffiti-tags Heidi’s favorite white wall, then proposes to her on the beach. Audrina takes back a guy who abandoned her in Vegas for strippers.

I usually play a little game with myself while I’m taking recap notes where I try to see how long into an episode of The Hills I can make it before I hit the “info” button and then groan at how much soul-sucking time is left before I can delete it and go on to watching The Pick Up Artist or Celebrity Rap Superstar. The good news is: the episode set a new record! The bad news is: I hit the “sweet effing christ I can’t believe this is what my life has become” wall a scant 4 minutes into the episode. And I couldn’t bring myself to go online and watch the pre-theme song intro scene that my DVR (blessedly) cut off, so I jumped into this episode as the title screen was informing me that “Truth & Time Tells All.”

My favorite part of High School Musical II (other than the fact that Vanessa Hudgens has clearly leaked naked pictures of herself all over the world wide web to stick it to Disney), if you can choose just ONE favorite part, was when a distraught Sharpay instructs a nearby drummer to “Give {her} a beat!” so that she can properly shashay out of the room. I’m pretty sure that, judging from how she struts, Heidi has Animal from The Muppets inside her head constantly banging out a rhythm for her to shake her skinny ass to. (“Eat drums! Eat drums!” “No, Animal, BEAT drums!” “WoMAN! WoMAN! WoMAN!”) Heidi bops into work and greets coworker Elodie, who has brown hair now. I love Elodie, largely because she and I both have ears that make us look well suited for a career of making cookies in a tree somewhere. Elodie spots the ring from across the room and exclaims “O.M.G.,” as if she’s really 18 and not, let’s say, 34. “You’re not pregnant, are you?” she asks. Oh, Elodie, didn’t you see last season? Fool me with a fake pregnancy scare once, shame on me. Fool me twice… wait, Heidi’s talking. “He’s not only my fiance, he’s, like, my soulmate.” Elodie heaps on the good advice. “Make sure you take a long time with your engagement. Don’t buy a wedding dress any time soon. Start with the magazines.” Well, Eldawg, she’s going to look pretty silly walking down the aisle clad only in Martha Stewart Bride, but what the eff do I know. I don’t even use acronyms befitting a much younger generation when I want to express shock and awe.

Spencer and Brody are out on the town, Brody wearing a hilariously appropriate Tshirt that states “B-Squad.” I’m sure he thinks it’s B as in “Brody man! Snoochie booches!” but I’m thinking it’s B squad as in, “I wish we had a real heartthrob but I guess we have to settle for this olympian’s kid who once banged Kristin Cavalleri.” “I need some board shorts for Cabo!” Spencer exclaims excitedly. Brody inquires after how Santa Barbra went, and Spence replies “It went amazing.” {“…but could you hold on one sec? I have a call from the National Linguistics Society, they want me to speak at their upcoming conference on parts of speech”). “I used to think marriage was the dumbest thing– for guys who couldn’t get laid. Like, back in the day: I’m gonna give you half my money, all you gotta do is make my food and hang out with me,” Spencer explains. Well, at least now I don’t have to write that bridesmaids’ toast I’ve been working on.

Over at Heidi & Spencer’s Humpatorium, Spencer has bought them an arcade game. “When is it going back?” Heidi asks, looking around her Funhouse apartment that couldn’t provide any actual fun if it were national fun day and they covered the whole place in fun-attracting fun glue and wore their favorite fun suits.

At TeenVoid, Whitney is inquiring about plans for the evening when Lauren confesses that she’s having dinner with Audrina and JustinBobby. Whitney calls JustinBobby good looking. It’s been so long since I watched this show that I actually wonder if he IS good looking…

…nope, wait, he absolutely is not. I’m still working on his etymology, but I think it’s equal parts Stoner + Captain Jack Sparrow + Crack Dealer + KFed + my high school boyfriend + another crack dealer + chloe sevigny + colin farrel. JustinBobby has elected to wear a hoodie, hood up (natch) to his big dinner with his woman’s roommate. “I feel like shit. I don’t know what it is,” he complains to Audrina. Maybe that you’re a genuinely awful person? I don’t know, just throwing it out there. Lauren inquires as to JustinBobby’s road hog, saying that she loves bikes. She asks that he be careful when riding with her roommate, calling her “precious cargo,” which I can only assume is Audrina’s rap name. (Hey Audrina, is that JustinBobby’s bike helmet you’re wearing? Uh huh. Is he picking you up from your receptionist job today? Nuh-uh. By the way, how’d you meet him? I met him as a Vegas Whore/ He had bad hair and ‘bandoned me, you get the picture? Yes, we see. That’s how I fell for- the Dealer of the Crack. Vroom Vroom!). Justin burps in response to LC’s plea for road safety, then goes on to say that he’s only dating Audrina to get to her. Ah, the ol’ bait and switch, my roommate and I pull this all the time! Wait, no we don’t. As they ride off into the sunset, Lauren calls out “Justin, please be careful driving with her!” (My friends were always putting him down (down, down)/ LC hated him, she told me with a frown (what’d she mean when she said he was a no talent ass clown?)/ They told me he was bad/ but MTV was glad/ my low standards led me to/ the dealer of the crack (Vroom Vroom!))

Aaaaand we’re pool side! First bikini shot of the season! Lauren and Audrina discuss JustinBobby’s deplorable performance. “Well, when you look at Justin, do you really think, ‘he looks like a gentleman!’” Lauren asks, somewhat hilariously. Audrina makes mouse-like noises about how mean he was before Lauren hits he with “Are you 100% done?” No answer from the brown haired one. Where could this possibly be going?

I know this question has been asked before, but I’ve never gotten a straight answer. Why do hot chicks go out with douchebags? Just laying eyes on these boys is validating their lifestyle way more than they deserve, let alone laying, uh, other stuff on them. Girls, seriously. If you keep kissing these boys, they are just going to go on believing that having frosted tips and flashing gang signs for the camera and never calling you back is all normal behavior and it’s NOT. NONE of this is okay. My main theory on this is that any girl who is hot in her 20s was most likely at least a little awkward in high school, and therefore has no self esteem. All of the girls who were hot in high school grow up to be kind of wonky looking (get on Facebook and try to prove me wrong), and all of the way-too-skinny, or got-boobs-before-everyone-else, or had-to-deal-with-acne-before-PDiddy-started-pushing-Proactive girls are now the hot ones. But they must not believe that they’re hot if they keep kissing boys like JustinBobby. Listen, just stop. Do us all a favor and rebalance the scales.

Back at Heidi and Spencer’s Den of Sin, the happy couple is eating cereal on the couch, gazing at the mural. “I feel like we’re literally in a playhouse,” Heidi says. Yeah, except no one is playing anything other than “I swear this engagement isn’t a media scam.” Heidi tries to get Spencer to include her on any future decisions and he replies “They’re not decisions, they’re surprises.” Like that time I got that 16 year old pregnant, remember, honey? Surprise!

Lo (Lo! YAY!) and Lauren take in some fake ice cream at Pinkberry. There’s really nothing to this scene, except that Lo tells us she recently bought Fruity Pebbles (I don’t think this is even a metaphor for anything else) and encourages Lauren to skip the gym. “Eat your pinkberry and enjoy life!” she commands. I’m hoping that actually IS a metaphor for something else… heh. hehhehhehheh. heh. Sorry.

Against everyone’s better judgment, Audrina meets up with JustinBobby and tells him what an ass he was in front of Lauren. “I was sick! I didn’t think it was that big of a thing. I’m sorry,” he explains. Audrina suggests that they might be better off as friends. “We can make peace and kick rocks and be aquaintences or we can be cool with each other,” JustinBobby responds. Wait, what? Did that make sense to ANY one? Oh, sorry, he’s not done yet: “I take you for who you are, and the person you are and the heart that you have.” Somehow this is enough to get back into Audrina’s good graces. And pants. Lost cause.

A rebellion is being mounted within the walls of Heidi and Spencer’s Shake Shack: Heidi is painting over the mural! I have to say, the first time I saw this I stood up and fist-pumped, I was so proud of our girl. “Surprise!” she says when Spencer comes home, telling him that he can’t be mad at her for making a decision on her own that he had previously made on HIS own. Heidi, you logic ninja! Get that girl to the LSATs! “We can decide what to do with this wall together,” she tells him, before trotting off, leaving the wall half-painted. In what I believe to be a watershed moment for this show and their relationship, Spencer picks up the paint roller and finishes what Heidi started. Get used to wearing that look of defeat, friend. You are getting married, after all.

Up next: Spencer visits Heidi’s fam in Colorado, and Audrina is wearin’ next to nothing cause it’s hot as an oven.