The Hills, Season 3, Episode 4: Who says you can’t go home?

Posted by Cristin September 24th, 2007 at 01:34pm In The Hills

Previously on The Hills: I spent a lot of time coming up with those fake Leader of the Pack lyrics so you’d better damn well appreciate them.

I’ve clearly already hit the wall with this show, as I’m now 4 recaps behind and have only been brought to life by the trailers for this week’s episode that show Heidi in a wedding dress. OMGWTFLOL. And if you spend as much time as I do in the News Stand section of Borders, or as much money as I do subscribing to magazines that would make me look slightly pervy were I not currently working in what might vaguely be described as “teen media,” you already know that this clash of titans is going on in the magazine aisle of your local CVS or strip club or wherever you frequent to get your jollies:

What an exceptional role model. Next month: Miss Teen South Carolina.

My circulation rate’s much higher, biatch, so suck it. (Heidi’s note: Wait, that’s not true. I’ve slept with WAY more guys than Lauren has).

Meanwhile, Teen magazine has Vanessa Hudgens talking about how she stays grounded on their cover. You lose, Teen.

This episode opens with Heidi and Spencer getting her ring sized, since he didn’t bother to find out what ring size she was before proposing. I’m not entirely sure how boys are supposed to do this, since most girls I know don’t even know their own ring sizes, and whenever someone mentions ring sizing I always think of Little Women and how they talk about stealing a lady’s glove in order to have her ring fitted properly. Still, I’m going to rain judgement down on La Spence for not figuring this out ahead of time. I’m guessing he doesn’t have a dog-eared, tear-stained copy of Little Women in the cigar box where he keeps his leopard fur-covered handcuffs and a picture of the father he never knew. Again, there’s some confusion about which hand an engagement ring should go on and AGAIN I’d like to point out that if you don’t know, you shouldn’t be getting married. Not only is it the wrong hand, Heidi, you’re also giving him the wrong finger. Blissfully unaware of how much I disapprove of her life style, Heidi asks Spencer along to a weekend in Colorado to meet her parents. Spencer acknowledges that he and Brody were planning an epic beer-be-que, but he would “much rather” meet Heidi’s family.

The MFA candidates at MTV have entitled this one “Meet the Parents.” I liked it a lot better when they were using ridiculous pull quotes from the various heinous boyfriends of our gals.

Spencer and Brody are looking into rim jobs together. Ba-da-bum-bum. But that’s what you call those spinny things that go on your car wheels, right? I take public transportation, I don’t know these things. Spencer drops the BBQ bomb on Brody, and Brody is openly dismayed. Like, someone-just-ran-over-my-puppy dismayed. My-reality-show-got-canceled-after-2-episodes dismayed. Can’t-have-sex-until-the-antibiodics-clear-this-infection dismayed. “I understand that you’re in love, but it just sucks when you flake on the homies like that,” Brody says, mentally adding air quotes around “in love.” “You sound a lot like LC,” Spencer tells him. Ouch. Someone get Brody some ice for that burn.

On the beach, JustinBobby is still being tagged as “Audrina’s ex.” I kind of understand their hesitation to promote him, as he is currently rocking the half-ponytail, 8th grade girls’ basketball team style. “Lauren is worried about me,” Audrina confesses, employing one of my least favorite “getting your man to talk about things that bother you” strategies. You know, like when you make it all about someone else and pretend it has nothing to do with your own relationship, a la “Katie’s boyfriend had his fantasy football draft this weekend and they totally hired strippers to hang out with them for the day. You think that’s totally disgusting, right?” “She doesn’t need to worry. Until you piss me off,” JustinBobby casually remarks in the calm, restrained tone of a man who has chopped up girls and frozen them in his ice cube tray. Later, Audrina has drinks with Lauren and Lo (Lo! Yay! Lo is wearing a fedora in this scene and I don’t even care because she’s adorable), and Lauren invites them to Brody’s BBQ extravaganza. Was Lauren invited to this gala event before or after Spencer and Heidi confirmed their nonattendence, I wonder? Also, how feverishly did the producers try to get the happy couple’s flights canceled so that they could make a surprise appearance? “JustinBobby definitely keeps me on my toes,” Audrina remarks. I thought she was going to end that sentence with “knees,” but, you know, I’m an enormous bitch.

Spencer and Heidi approach the town of Crested Butte, CO with heated anticipation. Crested Butte’s offical homepage claims a “spirited, fun-loving community of 1,550,” and according to Wikipedia it’s 97.19% white with a median household income of $41k. Just so we all have our facts straight. Also, for a good time, plug your hometown into Wikipedia and figure out how much money everyone living there makes, and then throw up in disgust. “I think the whole town knows we’re coming!” Heidi says. No kidding, you’re about to be responsible for a huge population boom. “This is pretty much the heaviest thing I’ve ever done,” Spencer replies. Can you please stop using “heavy” to describe nontangible things, Spencer? You are neither Bill nor Ted. Cut this shit out. At the house, Heidi’s mom runs out to meet the car, flanked by her sister, Holly, and brother, Skye. Oh, Skye. You probably get beat up a lot for that name. Though maybe not, considering your 8th grade class most likely has 14 people in it and half of them are named Tanner or Hunter.

Audrina and JustinBobby hop on his hog and head to the Brody-B-Q. Yeah, that pun doesn’t really work so much, huh. Sorry guys. Brody is in the process of telling Frankie that “frat daddy” (I can only assume that this is Spencer) is off riding horses in the Outback (okay, Spencer, or the ghost of the crocodile hunter). Spencer calls to check in on the festivities and remarks “She is from a different world” of Heidi’s humble beginnings. “A world where people date for more than 6 months before getting engaged, and a world where women keep the breasts God gave them without any surgical alterations.” Lauren and Lo arrive at the beach as the boys announce that they are going to kayak and “get their fitness on!” Meanwhile, Audrina is wearing what amounts to a dental floss loincloth. I cannot believe she has a body like that and elects to press it up against a guy who is wearing boots to the beach. Lauren playfully tackles Brody in a game of touch football and we later see him icing his hand. After reading this, I kind of hope she did it on purpose.

Over in Colorado, Spencer and the Montag family are enjoying a lovely dinner outside. Dad pulls Spencer aside to that they can “build trust,” and they take a stroll around the property. I was pretty distracted at this point because there were horses in the background (ponies! yay!) but I did catch a mention by dad of the fact that Heidi has always been the kind of girl who drops all of her friends as soon as she has a boyfriend. “If things were to go south, what would happen to her?” Dad asks. “I’d hate for her to have all her eggs in one basket.” Particularly when the basket is as ridiculous and awful as you are, Spencer. In fairness, if this is the real problem, isn’t that Heidi’s issue and not Spencer’s? When Heidi has a moment to chat with her mom, her mom says “Spencer could be the guy who winds up your husband.” Everyone seems to be talking about this “engagement” in very vague and uncertain terms… Good for them! Mom asks Heidi if she has any other friends, and Heidi cites Spencer’s friends’ girlfriends. Well played. When Mom asks about Lauren, Heidi all but shuts down. The parents are on to you, fools! RUN!

Day has turned to night at the BBQ, and Justin has turned to Bobby and is completely ignoring Audrina. Brody comes back from having his injured finger checked out sporting an enormous cast that runs to his elbow. Lauren, understandably, laughs hysterically upon seeing it. She’s got her Drunk Girl slur on and, I mean, Brody’s cast is hilarious. Later on she apologizes, both for wounding him and then pouring salt on it with her laughter, and Brody responds “I’m a little self conscious about THIS,” indicating the enormous sheath enclosing his hand. There’s a penis joke in here somewhere just waiting to happen. The two later commiserate about losing their respective best friends to the engagement sham that is Spencer & Heidi. ::Single Tear::

But there’s no crying in Colorado, where Heidi’s mom is proclaiming how she is “impressed with Spencer’s committment.” Ugh. “I would marry her TODAY. I’m ready when she is,” Spencer declares passionately, and is met with… crickets. You can almost see every member of Heidi’s family thinking “Please don’t marry her today. Please don’t marry her today.” He also goes un, relatively unprompted, to describe Lauren as a “stubborn, immature, little, selfish girl” who wanted Heidi all to herself. Spencer sleeps on the couch at Heidi’s house, further proof that (a) no one is taking that ring as anything more than credit card debt and (b) there is a meet the parents double standard where you’re allowed to sleep in the same room at the boy’s family’s house, but not at the girl’s, as I have always suspected.

Lauren and Audrina are now in my favorite stage of drunkeness where everything makes you incredibly emotional and you either love or hate everything with no gray area in between. In summation: Each other- Love. Heidi-Hate. Beer-Love. Motorcycles- Love. Each other (again)- Love. Clearly, though, for as much as Lauren loves Audrina, she is no Heidi, since Lauren can’t stop crying while discussing how Spencer forced Heidi to drop Lauren. “Jason HATED Heidi,” Lauren says, explaining how she would never drop a friend at the request of her man. I’m not sure if we’re going to accept Jason as the enduring standard of good taste and class, though.

[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/KExy_06z0lI" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]I have to say, I’m only a little upset that JWahl was recently kicked off Celebrity Rap Superstar. As he said himself in his exit interview, he had no idea that people would take the contest so seriously. I think he was thinking of the time when Sebastian Bach was asked why he wanted to switch from rock star to rap star and Sebastian answered “Tonight we are not trying to be rock stars– tonight WE ARE rock stars!” Okay, pal. As My Dad, Esquire, would say “Well, that’s an answer, but it’s not an answer to the question I asked.” But I’ll forgive him as soon as this cover becomes available via iTunes:[kml_flashembed movie="http://www.youtube.com/v/jN_TWFKoSHk" width="425" height="350" wmode="transparent" /]

“I haven’t seen Justin in forever,” Audrina comments over her solo cup. Lauren does a lap of the party and notices that Justin left Audrina’s helmet behind and beat it without saying goodbye. She breaks the news to Audrina, who tearfully declares “Seriously, I’m done.” “Homeboy wore combat boots to the beach. I know you don’t wanna call that your boyfriend,” Lauren half-jokes. The girls laugh, and talk even more about how much they love each other.

Next time: Spencer has some seriously bad facial hair.